Yes, I was on the Ashley Maddison website: I might as well own up because it's only a matter of time before those rats of Fleet Street release my name. Yes, I placed an ad looking for some extra-marital excitement and I described myself, more or less accurately, as possessing a Double First in World Literature and Philosophy (er, that's from the 'University of Life!), and as having once been runner-up in the 'Mr. Body Beautiful of Britain' competition. Only minutes later I received a reply from Ms. 'A' of Cairns, Australia wanting further and better particulars. I sent her a photo but in my eagerness, unfortunately, my 'do-flicker-mouse-thingie' hit the wrong button and this was sent.
It was only my superb knowledge of World Literature that allowed me to decipher the reply from Ms. 'A' of Cairns, Australia but in essence, I think, beneath the layers of 'Australianese' it amounted to a variation of "Go forth and multiply!"
A deep depression has centred over the Met Office: Yes indeed, having just spent several zillion quid on brand new, all-singing, all-dancing computers that would ensure that their forecasts were even more erratic than before, the Met Office has been told by that other government financed behemoth, the BBC, that they have lost the contract to supply weather forecasts. Well, I told them several times on this blog to change the seaweed they hang outside their windows. You ignore D&N at your peril!
I blame Jack Reacher: Yeah, yeah, I know, not many 'rumbles' this Sunday, Sorry and all that but I came across an old 'Jack Reacher' yarn that I hadn't read before so - zip! - there goes Sunday!
No more rumbles today
"Go forth and multiply!"...David, I suspect there are deeper meanings within 'Australianese'. A second opinion from down there might be in order.
Posted by: Whitewall | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 13:37
What's the shovel for?
Posted by: backofanenvelope | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 15:13
It's a WWI entrenching tool and I use it frequently in cases of heavy incoming from the 'Memsahib'!
Posted by: David Duff | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 16:39
I just knew you were looking for another opportunity to flaunt that photo.
Posted by: Uncle Mort | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 17:12
Haven't had a better offer so I am reconsidering your application. Please send another photo .... nekkid would be good.
Posted by: Ms A | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 18:56
Ms A, you must have a strong constitution?
Posted by: Whitewall | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 19:30
Well, I have to think of my many fans, Mort!
Ms. 'A', please control yourself and remember that Her Maj is a frequent visitor to these distinguished columns!
Posted by: David Duff | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 20:57
Hmmmm, tell Her to send a nekkid photo too. I'll decided then!
Posted by: Ms A | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 21:23
I notice you have two legs. That's a bonus.
Posted by: Ms A | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 21:24
David, those are not original issue as there are no stains on them. Must be M & S. However the greens were issued late seventies and they hid the drips from various orifices.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 22:15
Shudder!!!!
Flabber-bloody-gasted am I.
Aren't you supposed to put up warnings about accessing such photos?
Posted by: AussieD | Monday, 24 August 2015 at 08:11
I have been watching the gorgeous, delicious Daniel Craig all last night, and I have to say, I think you're in better shape! You might want to consider a slightly less "Doc Brown" hairstyle though.
Posted by: Mayfly | Monday, 24 August 2015 at 08:52
Jimmy, this is the very distinguished site of Duff & Nonsense, not a barrackroom - do behave!
Don't show it to Mrs. Aussied, she could become over-excited!
Better shape than Daniel Craig?!!! You need to visit Specsavers, Miss Mayfly. Also, my hair is somewhat different today because on Saturday I had one of my bi-annual haircuts - No.2, all over. I look like a convict and the 'Memsahib' refuses to walk with me in the street!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 24 August 2015 at 09:24
Being a lady of Aussie origin perhaps she was upset by the fact of your resemblance to an England batsman.
Posted by: Cuffleyburgers | Monday, 24 August 2015 at 12:36
'That photo'?
Thank you for reassuring me as to the fact that I’m not quite as bad looking (relatively) as I thought I was.
As to Miss A's reaction (and after recently contemplating some more walking in The Colonies and consequently re-reading Bill Brysons Walk in the Woods), this quote sprang to mind:
I found Katz in the dining room and he was looking laudably perky, too. This was because he had made a friend —a waitress named Rayette, who was attending to his dining requirements in a distinctly coquettish way. Rayette was six feet tall and had a face that would frighten a baby, but she seemed good-natured and was diligent with the coffee. She could not have signaled her availability to Katz more clearly if she had thrown her skirt over her head and lain across his Hungry Man Breakfast Platter. Katz in consequence was pumping testosterone.
“Ooh, I like a man who appreciates pancakes,” Rayette cooed.
“Well, honey, I sure appreciate 'these' pancakes,” Katz responded, face agleam with syrup and early-morning happiness. It wasn’t exactly Hepburn and Tracy, but it was strangely touching nonetheless.
She went off to deal with a distant customer, and Katz watched her go with something like paternal pride. “She’s pretty ugly, isn’t she?” he said with a big, incongruous beam.
I sought for tact. “Well, only compared with other women.”
Katz nodded thoughtfully, then fixed me with a sudden fearful look. “You know what I look for in a female these days? A heartbeat and a full set of limbs.”
“I understand.”
“And that’s just my starting point, you realize. I’m prepared to compromise on the limbs. You think she’s available?”
“I believe you might have to take a number.”
Age does cause some 're-evaluation' of priorities but who knew that the ladies got that way too?
Oh, if you'll consider some sartorial 'advice' – ditch the long-johns and go with these:
http://www.silvermans.co.uk/collections/clothing/products/usa-union-suit-underwear?variant=4198617603
and you too could be cutting a swathe through the elderly, short-sighted, tone-deaf, available-and-vaguely-desperate-for-company (any company) ladies! (wear them under/with a Drizabone coat, Kakadoo hat and Redback boots and I just bet Miss A, and possibly Aussie D but for slightly different reasons, will swoon).
Posted by: Jerven | Tuesday, 25 August 2015 at 12:02
"face agleam with syrup and early-morning happiness" Excellent!
Alas, Jerven, as the photo indicates, I am impervious to any sartorial advice from any quarter - even the 'Memsahib' gave up about forty years ago! Still, those 'all-in-ones' look pretty cosy and if this 'global warming' keeps going the way it has, I might invest in a set.
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 25 August 2015 at 12:37