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Sunday, 23 August 2015


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"Go forth and multiply!"...David, I suspect there are deeper meanings within 'Australianese'. A second opinion from down there might be in order.

What's the shovel for?

It's a WWI entrenching tool and I use it frequently in cases of heavy incoming from the 'Memsahib'!

I just knew you were looking for another opportunity to flaunt that photo.

Haven't had a better offer so I am reconsidering your application. Please send another photo .... nekkid would be good.

Ms A, you must have a strong constitution?

Well, I have to think of my many fans, Mort!

Ms. 'A', please control yourself and remember that Her Maj is a frequent visitor to these distinguished columns!

Hmmmm, tell Her to send a nekkid photo too. I'll decided then!

I notice you have two legs. That's a bonus.

David, those are not original issue as there are no stains on them. Must be M & S. However the greens were issued late seventies and they hid the drips from various orifices.


Flabber-bloody-gasted am I.

Aren't you supposed to put up warnings about accessing such photos?

I have been watching the gorgeous, delicious Daniel Craig all last night, and I have to say, I think you're in better shape! You might want to consider a slightly less "Doc Brown" hairstyle though.

Jimmy, this is the very distinguished site of Duff & Nonsense, not a barrackroom - do behave!

Don't show it to Mrs. Aussied, she could become over-excited!

Better shape than Daniel Craig?!!! You need to visit Specsavers, Miss Mayfly. Also, my hair is somewhat different today because on Saturday I had one of my bi-annual haircuts - No.2, all over. I look like a convict and the 'Memsahib' refuses to walk with me in the street!

Being a lady of Aussie origin perhaps she was upset by the fact of your resemblance to an England batsman.

'That photo'?

Thank you for reassuring me as to the fact that I’m not quite as bad looking (relatively) as I thought I was.

As to Miss A's reaction (and after recently contemplating some more walking in The Colonies and consequently re-reading Bill Brysons Walk in the Woods), this quote sprang to mind:

I found Katz in the dining room and he was looking laudably perky, too. This was because he had made a friend —a waitress named Rayette, who was attending to his dining requirements in a distinctly coquettish way. Rayette was six feet tall and had a face that would frighten a baby, but she seemed good-natured and was diligent with the coffee. She could not have signaled her availability to Katz more clearly if she had thrown her skirt over her head and lain across his Hungry Man Breakfast Platter. Katz in consequence was pumping testosterone.

“Ooh, I like a man who appreciates pancakes,” Rayette cooed.

“Well, honey, I sure appreciate 'these' pancakes,” Katz responded, face agleam with syrup and early-morning happiness. It wasn’t exactly Hepburn and Tracy, but it was strangely touching nonetheless.

She went off to deal with a distant customer, and Katz watched her go with something like paternal pride. “She’s pretty ugly, isn’t she?” he said with a big, incongruous beam.

I sought for tact. “Well, only compared with other women.”

Katz nodded thoughtfully, then fixed me with a sudden fearful look. “You know what I look for in a female these days? A heartbeat and a full set of limbs.”

“I understand.”

“And that’s just my starting point, you realize. I’m prepared to compromise on the limbs. You think she’s available?”

“I believe you might have to take a number.”

Age does cause some 're-evaluation' of priorities but who knew that the ladies got that way too?

Oh, if you'll consider some sartorial 'advice' – ditch the long-johns and go with these:

and you too could be cutting a swathe through the elderly, short-sighted, tone-deaf, available-and-vaguely-desperate-for-company (any company) ladies! (wear them under/with a Drizabone coat, Kakadoo hat and Redback boots and I just bet Miss A, and possibly Aussie D but for slightly different reasons, will swoon).

"face agleam with syrup and early-morning happiness" Excellent!

Alas, Jerven, as the photo indicates, I am impervious to any sartorial advice from any quarter - even the 'Memsahib' gave up about forty years ago! Still, those 'all-in-ones' look pretty cosy and if this 'global warming' keeps going the way it has, I might invest in a set.

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