First, I must beg your indulgence as I indulge in utterly shameless schadenfreude. Wallowing in others' misery is like taking a long, leisurely warm bath and I simply cannot resist it. So here goes:
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
. . . .
What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
. . . .
On his way out into the middle to bat, Michael Clarke gets a call from
his wife and a teammate tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies, 'I'll hold, he won't be long!'
. . . .
What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of
Champagne?
A waiter.
I could go on - and on - but I'm not one to gloat! Anyway, here are some Jock jokes to prove this is an equal opportunities blog:
This makes your heart sing.
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
"Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?"
'Nay," Jock replied, "I'm turning the heater off while I'm out.'
And now for a 'Scouser' joke:
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
And finally, a joke aimed at husbands everywhere:
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband
asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never saw the glass coming.
Apparently Cilla Black's children weren't all that upset about the proposed plan to burgle her house during the funeral. One (allegedly) said, "We're annoyed about the damage to the fence but it was nice of those people to try and plan a proper Scouse send-off."
Posted by: Penseivat | Monday, 17 August 2015 at 12:16
Penseivat, that joke is in appalling bad taste - and I nearly fell off my chair laughing!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 17 August 2015 at 12:21
Sorry about the bad taste. My wife is a Liverpool lass and I tried it out on her first. Oh, how she laughed (and my facial bruising should have gone by the weekend!).
Posted by: Penseivat | Monday, 17 August 2015 at 13:21