You wage-slaves really don't deserve any 'funnies' because it's a Bank Holiday. Still, as you are all sadly disappointed not to be able to take the 'kiddie-winkies' down to the beach because of all that global warming drizzling down steadily, I have taken pity on you. And, oh boy, do I have sympathy with this old guy!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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At the National Art Gallery, in Dublin, Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the husband.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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And now some quickies - and I do the jokes round here!
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Joe woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
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Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
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The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
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I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked, I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!""Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mum, I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, when it did happen, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another And after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses .... as he does. There she stood nude
Except for a pair of black panties while he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?
She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night it was the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on and he is in his birthday suit .... except that he is
wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?'
He replies:
'I want to offer my deepest condolences'
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What would happen if I didn't send you any jokes?
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 31 August 2015 at 11:19
I'd have to print my own which really isn't fair to my readers on a soaking wet Bank Holiday Monday, they're miserable enough already!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 31 August 2015 at 11:48
On the last Funny, I'm not sure which I admire more...the man's sensitivity or cleverness.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 31 August 2015 at 13:26
Yes, I know what you mean. In the same position I'm not at all sure what I would come up with - something like, 'Well, I'm off down the pub, let me know when you're out of mourning'. But that's me, no class!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 31 August 2015 at 13:34