Nice and early this morning to make up for my idle Sunday yesterday. And we begin with some sage advice and tips from a pensioner:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That now makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind your shower curtains for murderers. If you happen to find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again. Men will get it the first time.
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been one keen fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. “As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
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Some one-liners from Billy Connolly:
"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life."
“I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
Ohh, that fisherman has it down right! My kind of guy.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 24 August 2015 at 14:23
"5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body."
No, my friend, that feeling is when you meet the love of your life; and I just know all about it. I knew some ten seconds after we first met that this was, indeed , the girl for me. We have indeed been together, through that meaningful phrase; ''in sickness and in health' and our 48th anniversary is just around the corner!
Posted by: Mike Cunningham | Tuesday, 25 August 2015 at 13:39
My very best wishes to both of you.
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 25 August 2015 at 13:44
Well said and well done Mr. Cunningham!
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 25 August 2015 at 13:45