A few one-liners to, er, you know, cheer you up on a Monday morning:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+ Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
Fricassee Liberal Politician or Baked Green Politician or Grilled Labor Politician $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
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What a man! And what an imagination!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-mart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a "Code 3."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMT's were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.
12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, "Where is the fitting room?"
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
This blog does not advise husbands to follow that example! Now get back to work because you can never do enough for a good boss - sorry, did you say something?
tee hee!
I mean tut tut
Posted by: john malpas | Monday, 03 August 2015 at 23:58