Beautiful, sunny autumn weather so you don't really deserve any 'Funnies' to cheer you up this Monday morning but I am the 'Pleasure God who keeps on giving'! First, some definitions because you know how particular we are on this blog to ensure that we always use words korrectly!
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Next some Irish 'quickies' to celebrate their sporting prowess this weekend:
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
.....................................................
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
.....................................................
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going ..... the driver won £52!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
If only it was 'good ol' Bill' running for president instead of his ghastly wife. The first is from the script of a black comedian:
Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him ... His wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
....................................................
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
....................................................
*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .
....................................................
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
......................................................
*The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
.......................................................
* Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And last of all, an old-fashioned joke:
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
Right, back to work!
Comments