I know, I know, your Monday Funnies are late!

Don't blame me but when we have visitors I get promoted to be acting deputy assistant chief cook & bottle washer and life is hell!  Anyway, better late than never here they are:

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
 
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"  

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."

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When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

 The officer put his ticket book away, bade her good day and said, “Makes perfectly good sense to me!!

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' 

 

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.  So he asks, 'Do you know me?' 

 

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' 

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' 

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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That's your lot - I'm being summoned again  . . .

 

Comments

[Andra]

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A Hamburger, Fries and a Coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A Hamburger, Fries and a Coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a Steak, Baked Potato and a Salad,' says the man.

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!'

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[David Duff]

Now look here, Andra, I do the jokes round here, er, even if most of them are yours in the first place!

[Andra]

Well, you should have used the emu one this week. I think it's better than the rest and you'll have forgotten it by next week.

[David Duff]

Sorry, Ma'am!