Yes, bright and early this morning with your weekly chuckle ammo although this first one might make you groan! Waddya mean, no change there then?
An Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Look, I don't make them up, I just send them on!
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of thebeautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . ... ..........
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first which is the reason for me call."
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The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor explaining at length that she was an environmentalist and how she received all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examination room and he would see if he could help her.
She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared.
Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from
The Environmental Protection Agency;
The Forestry Service;
The National Parks and Wildlife Service;
The Wilderness Society
and
The Department of Conservation and Land Management,
before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area'
. . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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Some one liners from Billy Connolly:
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”
"When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?”
"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... that can keep me awake for days.”
"Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace." Billy Connolly makes a lot of jokes about football. He once joked that he thought for years that one club's name was "Partick Thistle Nil"
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards." [Sorry, Jimmy!]
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
Very disappointed.
You have a Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman but no Englishman while you have a Brit. So being British is English only? No wonder the others want out of the union.
Posted by: Lord T | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 13:39
Connolly was right about the nuclear attack on Glasgow. Their teeth would still be falling out.😂
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 16:30
Alas, m'Lud, we don't do equal opportunities on this blog - especially the jokes - but well done for your close analysis!
You said it, Jimmy, not me!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 16:40
If that many nationalities walk in all at once, Thai or no, who buys?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 18:08
Well, not the Scotsman!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 18:35
We just ring the Mess Bell and disappear when the round is up David. Och Aye.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Monday, 11 April 2016 at 22:05
I only noticed because I have seen it before. English people tend to identify as Brits but the outlanders like to have that special status.
Posted by: Lord T | Tuesday, 12 April 2016 at 11:59