This morning, at 7.15am, I received possibly the worst joke in the world. I feel impelled to share it with you all - yeah, I know, I'm nasty like that!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?
Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Yes, yes, I know, appalling - and it was sent to me by a friend, well, actually, an ex-friend now! That came from Canada, we'll see if Australia does any better:
Fresh from her shower a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of romantically telling her this was untrue, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day."
Willing to try anything, she got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" She asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replied.
She stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to eat his meals through a straw.
Well, it made me laugh! And on a similar note, this from bonny Scotland - yes you know the perp!
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.’
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Bloody hell, it wasn't that creased in the shop.'
His funeral is this Thursday.
Surely it can't get any worse, can it? 'Stick around, kid, you ain't seen nuttin' yet!' Here are some 'Oirish' ones:
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
Oh God, I can't take any more, have a good Monday . . .
David, did you go back to bed I hope?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 18 April 2016 at 12:33
Ah, they didn't work for you, then, Whiters! Never mind, it shows you to be a gentleman of taste and refinement.
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 18 April 2016 at 12:41
You left off David, the punchline to the first.
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze the jolly good fellow.
And then they kick him in the icehole."
***
Works better now doncha reckon?
Posted by: JK | Monday, 18 April 2016 at 12:52