On this most un-Spring-like of mornings, I have been rooting about in the cellar of this blog to search for some particularly fine examples of what pass for D&N jokes - yeeeeees, quite but you have been warned!
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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And just to prove that this blog is not anti-Oirish but is, in fact, a multi-cultural insulter of one and all:
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. ================================================
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements =============================================== Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9. ================================================
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works well!
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low. =============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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And to end, a profound sociological insight for my American friends:
Just think - if Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a white billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!
Well up to your usual form, Duffers!
(I regret to say.)
Posted by: Oswald Thake | Monday, 25 April 2016 at 11:44
I don't know, our man Duff is off to a good start I'm thinking.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 25 April 2016 at 11:59
Well done! Some good giggles there!
Posted by: missred | Monday, 25 April 2016 at 15:19