Here we go, something to giggle about around the water fountain. First, some Paddy jokes:
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, …….but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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A thank you to the late, great and very titchy Ronnie Corbett who died last week:
- "French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in."
- "A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
- "We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
- "All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand."
- "This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago."
- "A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?"'
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And finally - who said 'thank God'? - some reflections on old age:
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Right, that's it, back to the salt mines!
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