Pots and kettles, Dave

Normally, if asked, I would prefer to read Vince Cable's laundry list than plough through one of his political essays but there is always an exception to every rule.  At The Coffee House yesterday, he poked 'Dim Dave' in the eye with a sharp stick following Dave's inadvertent admission that, in effect, Nigeria and Afghanistan are up to their fat necks in corruption.  Normally, of course, I would shrug and mutter 'so what?' and move on but then I recalled that Dave sends Nigeria around £300 million of MY money every year.  So what's going on, Dave?  If I was still a shifty, cynical, second-hand car dealer I might think 'you was on a bung, know wot I mean, Dave?' Happily, these days I am an elderly retiree with impeccable credentials, well, I printed them myself!  Dave, of course, calls it 'aid' but given that Nigeria is attempting to operate its own space agency do they really need any aid?

Again, some equally shifty types, I refer to that band of back-stabbing 'bruvs', the London estate agents, might suggest that eventually all that bent dosh comes home to Mummy in the form of galloping price rises in the London housing market - or at least, the posh bits of London, so what's not to like?  Possibly but if you're a nurse or a bus-driver trying to house your family in London then rocketing house prices do not help.

Mr. Cable also points out, no doubt with malice aforethought, that if Dave, and by implication, George, really think something must be done they should make a start with the various so-called 'Crown territories' who supply most of the safe havens for ripped off money.

Half of the companies featured in the Panama Papers were registered in British-administered tax havens.  These overseas territories vary in the degree of venality and abuse they accommodate but collectively they are dragging our British brand through the mud. And they all depend on secrecy. After all, money laundering is not just linked to lavish lifestyles; it is also tied up with tax evasion, illegal arms dealing, drug smuggling and fraud.

So come on, Dave, purse those little lips of yours to show how much you really, really care and at your forthcoming PR junket conference on international corruption lets hear you spell out exactly what measures you will take against these British dependencies and their corrupt practices.

 

Comments

[backofanenvelope]

It seems to me that these tax havens are missing a trick or two. What they need to do is make it possible for ordinary people (me?) to use them. They could have the OPTAF (Ordinary People's Tax Avoidance Fund). The government would be on a hiding to nothing and we could all avoid giving that slimy little git Osborne and his pudding faced friend any of our money!

[David Duff]

Nothing "ordinary" about you, BOE! Mind you, I'm not too sure I'd be happy having my savings lodged with the National Bank of Panama!

[Whitewall]

Well, neither I nor any of my shady aliases are listed on the Panama Papers. I would have the decency to use the traditional offshore have in the Cayman Islands.

[David Duff]

The Cayman Islands! I say, Whiters, you couldn't see your way clear to lending me a few quid, could you? Perfectly safe, of course, the Bank of Duff is spoken of in hushed whispers in international banking circles!

[backofanenvelope]

If you search online for the best fixed bonds you will get banks in Pakistan, India, the Gulf states. There is even Leeds Bldg Soc! Is there anything wrong with the Bank of Panama?

[Andrew Duffin]

I'm quite relaxed about tax havens.

For one thing, they put some sort of limit on the venality and greed of governments, because having them means there is SOME sort of alternative available if things get too hot.

For another, if the state got its hands on all that extra money, would it do anything useful or anything we'd want it to do? Why no, it would not - it would just employ more tax-eaters and implement more prodnose laws.

And finally, when I go to those grand luxury harbours in the Med (as a casual visitor I hasten to add), it makes me rather proud that most of the super-yachts seem to be flying the Red Duster. When you look closely it's actually the Cayman Islands' ensign, but hey, who looks closely?

[Whitewall]

Andrew you are correct about tax havens and some governments. Bad tax and monetary policy chase money away for safe keeping. Also, people in this league may need to get hold of assets quickly in the event of domestic political strife. Legal tax havens can be a canary in the coal mine. What is improper about them is laundering drug or arms dealing funds or the like.

By the by, don't fall for the Bank of Duff rumor. Seems a bit shady and sails under many unrecognizable flags.

[David Duff]

"Leeds Bldg Soc!" Sucks in air through pursed lips!

The Cayman Islands gets another mention! I must look it up!

And I'll have you know, Whiters, that the Bank of Duff is not just a bank but a charity, too, so you get a nice warm feeling when you deposit your life savings with it, or perhaps in the interests of accuracy, a sweaty feeling!