I know, I know, it has been two weeks since your last selection of very fine Monday Funnies - who snorted? - but my little elves have been busy in the Joke Mine so all is well. This first is for Jimmy, assuming he made it back from London!
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit about if ye didnt use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."
"What aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learning'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist.
"I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."
" It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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This next one is a sweet, sentimental fairy story that will delight the ladies:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
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And now some wise words that Confucius did NOT say but I bet he thought them!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
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Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light. 'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' say s the Genie. So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Right, that's it, back to work!
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