A lot of interesting comments in the post below which I hope to respond to later this - busy - Monday morning. However, one must have a sense of priorities and of course your Monday Funnies take priority!
Today's riddle is for Seniors. Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!
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I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty young women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and said, “Hello ladies,are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!”
So I apologised and replied, “I am so sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember!
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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?"
"Mike -- it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are here too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
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Yes, I know, slightly long ones today so here are a few 'political shorties' to make you chuckle as we approach VOTE LEAVE DAY:
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism.
I offered my opponents a deal: if they stop telling lies about me, will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan. Early 20th century actress, nightclub owner and good-time gal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, t might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office. ~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton, American actor/writer
It appears you have the same problem in bars as I do. Despite being at a fairly advanced age, I still enjoy flirting with the ladies. I was in a bar a couple of weeks ago, was sat at the bar chatting idly to the bartender (it was a very quiet night), when two young ladies came in, ordered their drinks, and sat chatting at the opposite end of the bar. I tried my best flirting techniques which were ignored. Seeing that they had almost finished their drinks, I told the barman to fill them up again and I would pay. He told me I was wasting my time as they were lesbians. I still insisted and so he replenished their drinks. Using their acknowledgement as an excuse, I sauntered over to them and said, "Good evening ladies, and what part of Lesbia do you come from?" The local A & E has very friendly staff.
Posted by: Penseivat | Monday, 20 June 2016 at 12:13
Penseivat, I trust you heal quickly?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 20 June 2016 at 14:00
Penseivat sorta kinda pre-empted the little tale I was gonna put on offer somewhat in a similar vein in relations with the lesbians. Mine had to do with a lass (over a decade ago ... friends here, have in mind I have "somebody newish" occasionally follows my tracks)
Anyway it had to do with me taking the lass to a Lebanese restaurant.
So - you'll have to make do with this;
https://20committee.com/2016/06/20/the-kremlins-football-hooligans-another-face-of-putins-special-war/
Posted by: JK | Monday, 20 June 2016 at 15:40
Come on, JK, you can't leave half a tale hanging in the air - what happened in the Lebanese restaurant?
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 20 June 2016 at 18:07
Duff,
If JK told you what happened in the Lebanese restaurant, he probably would have to shoot you -- not because it's classified but because his girlfriend would shoot him.
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 20 June 2016 at 20:44
I'd like to shoot somebody, in fact I have a list, but I haven't got a gun.
JK promised me one several years ago but it hasn't turned up yet.
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 21 June 2016 at 03:09