The world might be in turmoil (or not), the markets might fall (only to rise again), politicians might go (but some will come back) but here at D&N all is calm and serene and continues as before. Thus, nothing is permitted to interfere with your Monday Funnies without which the earth really might shift on its axis!
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat!"
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Dear Dorothy,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Confused
Dear Confused:
Grow up and dump him.
You don't need him anymore!
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."
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An attractive woman in a Bar in Washington (or it might be Brussels!)barely able to stand after several large drinks turns to the man standing next to her and says:
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on ... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding ...I'm in Government, too. Are you federal or state?"
I think that's enough politics for today!
Oh well, there goes the knighthood.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 27 June 2016 at 09:25
Make the most of this. Once Article 50 is invoked it will be illegal to have Monday Funnies.
Posted by: Whyaxye | Monday, 27 June 2016 at 10:55
They wouldn't dare! Uz, Zummerzet boys would be out on the lanes (er, we don't actually have any roads) armed with pitchforks - and they don't like it up 'em!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 27 June 2016 at 11:07
Nice touch after an eventful weekend.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 27 June 2016 at 12:04
Apropos "Confused":
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 27 June 2016 at 19:30