Right, sit up and pay attention, this is serious!

A truly shocking report has just been released by the RSPTB based on years and years of research by some deadly serious swots from Cambridge.  They have discovered that working in an office could shorten your life span!  And no, they don't mean that you might die of blood poisoning if you accidentally pin your finger to the desk with a stapler - please be serious!  Research shows (to quote a phrase!) that a sedentary office job will increase your chances of dying of heart disease, cancer and galloping piles.

Also, staring at the tits of that gal in the green sweater could make you go blind. 

The RSPTB insist that to prolong your life it is essential to undertake an hour of exercise a day.  Of course, if you go for a run you might get run over by a No. 15 bus so take care.  In addition, a regime of weight lifting might induce an undue strain on muscles and skeletal frame, so only lift one file at a time.

I would add some further health warnings.  Getting up in the mornings can be bad for you, you never know what you might come across outside the haven of your bedroom.  Also, breathing can be highly dangerous, you have no idea of the muck and filth you take into your body!  So my advice is for you to stay in bed and stop breathing, apart from anything else it will save the paramedics from carrying you upstairs and depositing you on the bed ready for the undertaker.

Sorry ... what was that?  Ah, what's the 'RSPTB'?  A very distinguished body of scientists known as the Royal Society for the Preservation of Total Bollocks!

 

Comments

[TheBigHenry]

What tits? Oh -- the green sweater.

I'll get my coat ...

[David Duff]

... and don't forget your glasses!

[Whitewall]

Now boys!!

[Pat]

We'd all be healthier with a labouring job, obviously. Well we'd certainly be happier if the writers of these reports did a labouring job.

[penseivat]

Perhaps we should adopt the Japanese policies of spending the first 30 minutes of work at doing workplace calisthenics. Having Wayne, Letoy, Beyoncé-Louise and Chardonnay-Rhianna doing their stretching exercises and marching on the spot ("Lift those knees you idle person!") would have the union and H&S reps experiencing heart murmers. On the other hand, if these idle people pop their clogs before retirement age, then the government of the day has all that extra cash to play with as they won't have to pay pensions. Logic proclaims that if you don't work off those pizza and hunkyburger calories, you may die prematurely. Logic also proclaims that it is up to the individual to make that decision whether they die prematurely as a 50 stone lardarse of do something to prevent it. We have free will. If it all goes apeshit, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

[AussieD]

Can I just look at them 'till I need glasses.

Money on it that the bozo on the desk opposite gets bugger all done for the day.

[Andra]

Oh, honestly.........

[TheBigHenry]

Seriously, Andra, besides a sandwich and a beer, this is all that men think about.

[Bonnemort]

Former colleague was an ex-Royal Ballet ballerina who'd had to retire cos of back trouble (quiet at the back there) - real head-turner.

When she walked through the office, every male head would be lifted and would follow her progress through the room.

[David Duff]

Bonnemort, I will forward that urgently to the RSPTB!

[Timbo]

I was once asked to take in a "problem" worker from another division. Turns out she was suing the company claiming sexual harassment from her boss. When I interviewed her she turned out to be a five foot nothing lump of lard with a 40" bust adorned with a deep V cut sweater. My eyeballs were strained from keeping them focused on her hairline. I said I didn't want her, but had to take her anyway.

[David Duff]

Crikey! You ought to have gone to Specsavers!