Your Monday Funnies: 15.8.16

Yes indeed, and more or less on time - for a change.

 

Positive Attitude 

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. 

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.   He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. 

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." 

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, 

"Can I feel your boobs, then?" 

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed, "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN......

 

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2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.  This festival had no name.  

In those days the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely in a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the events. 

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great festival, Gedophamee observed the waves of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: 

"Oh! Limp pricks!"     [ Say it fast ]        

Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.  Enjoy the summer Olympics.

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In praise of exercise:

 

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 87 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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I do have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Well, now we know the answer to that age old question- "why are women in the restroom so long"? Now if only somebody can finally answer-"what do women want"?

[David Duff]

It would be easier, Whiters, to work out the square root of -1 than the answer to your second question!

[Mayfly]

It's easy! Men with lots of money who b*gger off when you tell them to.

I can't remember who told this story, but your "Positive Attitude" story reminded me of it. It concerned a gentleman who had hit the ground with the aid of a broken parachute, and when he was asked if he were allergic to anything, shouted, "Yes! Gravity!"

[David Duff]

That second man, Miss Mayfly, could have been me! I always hit the ground like a sack of you-know-what even when the parachute was perfectly alright!

[Whitewall]

Mayfly...thank you, I think! Now that I know, it seems a good time to load up my fishing gear and head to the NC Outer Banks. Fish tremble at the mention of my name.