Starting with another 'blondist' joke, sorry, ladies:
A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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MEDICAL UPDATE:
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! This is good to know.
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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The postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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Finally, some great one-liners from the incomparable Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70: 'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80: 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90: 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100: 'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: 'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
ON GOLF: 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS: 'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: 'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
That's it and the Boss says have a good week - or else!
Bob Hope was a class act and always good. He was a member of the decent generation.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 01 August 2016 at 13:19
Never apologize for blonde jokes! I am not a blonde.
A boyfriend never liked my blonde jokes - said they just weren't funny. I realised his ex and his 3 daughters were all blonde. So I changed the jokes to redheads. He found them hysterical. Yea, that relationship lasted long......
I am going to send the Bob Hope jokes to my Daddi-O. He just turned 90. He will love them
Posted by: missred | Monday, 01 August 2016 at 13:19
Indeed so, Whiters, and he was born in London, too.
Dear Miss Red, pass on my best wishes to, er, Daddi-O and tell him that '90 not out' is an excellent cricket score!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 01 August 2016 at 13:43
this was great for a laugh, i am going to take a few of these too work and share around, Cheers
Posted by: kahl | Tuesday, 02 August 2016 at 06:42
Kahl, you are obviously a man of taste and discretion and there for doubly welcome at D&N.
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 02 August 2016 at 08:12
Sorry to talk ill of the dead, but Bob Hope, if still alive, would be a subject of historic sex abuse investigation by the Met. It is on record that many of the young women who appeared in his films, and supported him on his tours of the military bases, had to do 'personal auditions'. There was a standing in-joke that he had more joke writers than Moses had followers to the promised land and that his ad-labs were well rehearsed. His wife spent most of her married life being humiliated again and again and one can only hope that when she became his carer after his stroke, that she took suitable revenge. Crosby, Lamour and Russell all hated him, which shows what good actors they really were. What the public saw was not what they always knew.
Posted by: Penseivat | Friday, 05 August 2016 at 22:06