Right, all those sweaty 'hearties' have finished running and jumping and throwing things so you can all jolly well concentrate on your work. Howevr, to help you along here are some hilarious funny side-splitting witty - oh alright then, mildly amusing jokes to help you along:
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in a Halfords Car Parts store."
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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked Muslim with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What” she said.
"That bastard next door has still got my shovel."
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My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and use it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week!"
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Men can't win...
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue.......
A man takes a blonde out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
The blonde agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
Right, that's your lot - back to the coalface and get at it!
One of the blessings of having a Schnauzer is its skill on a bicycle. No need to walk it...it just pedals itself.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 12:18
Robert,
It is difficult to walk a Schnauzer because you have to keep breaking the suction.
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 17:31
David,
The so-called "racist" Irish joke is a reworking of the classic ethnic joke, in which a Polak orders a kielbasa (a Polish sausage) in a hardware store.
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 21:43
Another classic ethnic joke goes as follows:
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 21:50
Well, Henry, as any old comic will tell you, there's no such thing as a new joke!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 22:23
"There's no such thing as a new joke".
Especially on this blog: http://duffandnonsense.typepad.com/duff_nonsense/2016/02/your-monday-funnies-22216.html
Posted by: Dom | Monday, 22 August 2016 at 23:06
Oh dear, Dom, I fear the old Alzheimers has arrived! Mind you, I can never remember a joke 7.8 seconds after hearing it!
Incidentally, Dom, you are hereby appointed deputy assistant archivist, so that JK had better watch out!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 23 August 2016 at 08:02
Reminds me of a joke about Anglo-Saxon Alzheimers:
Forget everything but remember the grudge.
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 23 August 2016 at 13:05