Your Monday Funnies: 29.8.16

Not that you deserve any 'funnies' given that it's a Bank Holiday Monday and - unbelievably! - the sun is shining.  Even so, I'm a generous fellow - and I heard that! - so here they come and today it's a cocktail of 'shorties':

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.  Can you believe that,  2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...............but she did.

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." “Sod that” says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest “thingy” she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

 

A man walks into a pub in the Rhonda and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him... The barman asked, "Where are you from?" "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "English ay boyo. And what do you do, just across the Severn?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "He's one of us."

 

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some git's sent me a magnifying glass!

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

An old lady is being examined by her GP. He asks, "Have you ever been bedridden?" "Yes I have," she says, "And I've been table ended and backscuttled a few times too."

 

A wife says to her husband, "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He replies, "What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair."

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow." She was obviously not listening.

 

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Hi, mate. I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from A & E Casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

 

That's your lot!  All of them in the worst possible taste - so no change there then!

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Ah, nice to see normal return! I feel better already.

[Andra]

Another low moan but this time it's coming from me.

[TheBigHenry]

Moaning becoming from Andra?