Your Monday Funnies: 8.8.16

Alright, alright, I know, they're all kicking off in the works canteen because the Monday Funnies are late!  Well, better late than never:

 

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man. I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.  A cook, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, the Internet, went to the gym, the pool, the library, medical and dental, I could still continue my education ..."

I asked him, "What happened man? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? Tell me what??"

"Oh no, nothing like that” he said. "No, no... I got out of prison.”

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I got my gun permit so yesterday, I went over to the local Walmart to get a small 9 mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.    When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'  

God simply replied, 'You are what you are.'  

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'  

The zebra looked puzzled.  'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''   

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'  

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'   

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes,  God would have said, 'You is what you is..'  

WARNING: If you laugh at this, we will be comin' after yo white ass!!!

 

That's your lot, sorry, but it's been one of those days  . . .

 

Comments

[Whyaxye]

Number two is actually quite good!

[Whitewall]

Hah! I grew up hearing the Zebra thing said 'just like that'. Come to think on it, it is Still said 'just like that'. Some traditions of speech do linger and then spread.

[TheBigHenry]

The zebra joke is one of my all-time favorites. No, not because I am a racist -- some of my other favorites are self-deprecating Jewish jokes. The zebra joke is deliciously and outrageously (as well as ethnically and sacrilegiously) surprising in its punch line. Moreover, David, you left off the outrageous part of the punchline itself:

Because, said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is, motherf*cker!'"

[Andra]

I love the zebra joke, with or without the m'f#cker.

[JK]

Can't have a proper Monday Funnies without can we?

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2016/07/prayers-for-rain.html

(As when ... from the vault AussieD)

http://duffandnonsense.typepad.com/duff_nonsense/2012/07/jk-comes-up-trumps.html

[TheBigHenry]

JK, David and Andra,

In return for the thoroughly enjoyable flash mob vid in Moscow, I offer the following flash mob vid on a beach in Israel.

[Andra]

Love that Letters of Note.

[Whitewall]

That Russian flash mob was nice and that bride with red hair was pretty. I am a soft touch when it comes to red heads ;)

The beach in Israel was, shall I say...inspirational!

[TheBigHenry]

Robert,

"... inspirational!"

You're welcome :)