Your Monday Funnies: 12.9.16

"Hey-ho, hey-ho, it's off to work YOU go" whilst I shuffle around in retirement squalor pleasing myself.  But, being generous, here are a few 'funnies' to cheer you up:

 

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it In front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"

Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

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 A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

‘'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Hilary Clinton's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.’

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Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on Highway 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

Bill, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive,"

Bill also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' Bill here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Bill gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

That's your lot, back to the coalface!

 

Comments

[backofanenvelope]

Is the second one from Bob?

[David Duff]

I never disclose my sources, BOE, although you can probably guess some of them! In this case the answer is 'no'.

[Whitewall]

The first one was so touching that I had to put down my coffee cup. It was empty anyway.

[JK]

The one about the praying Grandson caught my eye and while its not exactly alike but, it does feature my first grandson and, sort of a "like a prayer"

Grandson was pestering his visiting Grandpa one day at breakfast, "Gramps, you'll never come around to see my school play as, you hardly ever visit even when you come up to the airbase. I'd really enjoy having you around Gramps 'cause you do neat stuff like play tricks on people at the airport and tell Grandma's (third) husband at Thanksgiving the guy is Obviously an idiot."

"Please come to my play!"

"I can't T, I simply must do/visit [insert lie] while I'm in town. Maybe next time."

"Gramps? What if I told you my teacher Miss [Smith] is actually the main reason I want you there tonight during the time she [forces] us kids to sing the [stupid] song 'cause I just know Gramps you'll [be brave enough to] blurt out something [inappropriate] like the other adults never do."

"How T, could Miss [Smith] possibly get me to do anything [but snore once the lights go down]?

Grandson winks across the breakfast table at his [remarkably youthful and studly] Grandpa and, "She's always really [clumsy?] and she's always dropping things like her pencil."

"What T? Grandson why on earth would you wish on your poor ol' Grandpa [the tasks of chivalry] to come sit in the front rows near the aisle and watch some kids theatrical production?"

"Like I said Gramps its not the play at all it's just that I want you in the audience when teacher drops her pencil!"

"???!!!"

"No not anything like that Gramps. Its because she always wears such short dresses that, when she drops her pencil and bends to pick it up, you can see what she had for breakfast!"

[David Duff]

I think, JK, it's time you wrote 'The Great American Novel' because you have such a way with words. For example, "remarkably youthful and studly". Brilliant!

[JK]

I might just do that David.

But in the meantime might you be able, using your considerable thespian contacts to, award T an Academy Award even though the play was some seventeen years ago?

(Postscript. Nowadays when I visit Grandson provides for the tab at the saloon bar [at the airport].

[David Duff]

No can do, I'm afraid, JK, but I would pay good money to see the pair of you, er, performing in the airport saloon bar!

[TheBigHenry]

I don't have a grandson. But one of my three granddaughters would probably have eaten the ice cream sundae before handing the empty dish to that "grouchy old bitch!"