In a break with tradition, this distinguished blog has decided to begin this week's 'Funnies' not with the usual witty, sophisticated jokes - sorry, did you say something? - but with a cartoon which has been shamelessly stolen borrowed with much gratitude from Guido - where-else?
I couldn't have put it better myself - well done Guido!
Now, back to the 'Funnies' and again this week I can offer you a pot-pourri of some of the very finest one-liners to be had anywhere - and I'll ignore that remark!
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling the production of all Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed… The police are blaming AL IKEA .
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Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
Stop it my sides are aching.
Posted by: Antisthenes | Monday, 05 September 2016 at 10:55
I agree! These are the best yet! Around here I do right much cooking so that take a "whisk" will be pasted to the wall.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 05 September 2016 at 12:33
Trigger warning required - I opened up the cartoon featuring Keith Vaz's plonker contemporaneously with my snap box, and my cheese and tuna sandwiches immediately lost their appeal...
Posted by: Cuffleyburgers | Monday, 05 September 2016 at 15:12
Cheese and tuna have appeal to be lost? :)
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 05 September 2016 at 18:59
Aahh, makes your heart sing.
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on
to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee
wife before leaving and said, "Di - put your hat and coat
on, lassie."
'She replied, 'Awe Bruce that's nice are you
taking me tae the pub with you?"
'Nay," Bruce replied
"I'm turning the heater off while I'm out.'
Well, here's a proper joke to go on with.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 05 September 2016 at 19:54