The best joke today is the fact that 52 years ago I walked down the aisle with my new wife on my arm thinking to myself that if this marriage lasts more than a couple of years I'll eat my hat! Several hats later we're still tottering on. Obviously it's a monument to my kindness, generosity, good sense and my ability to quickly master the essential words required to keep a marriage intact - "Yes, dear, whatever you say!"
Some of these have a familiar ring to them but I always forget jokes ten seconds after they are told:
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling the production of all Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapse. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
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Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, "Never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
That's your lot!
Congrats on your wedding anniversary Duffers!
(Wish I could say the same for the jokes.)
Posted by: Timbo | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 09:06
Sorry about that, Timbo, but I am utterly reliant on my little elves in the Joke Mine. It's so very difficult to get good staff these days!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 09:08
Incidentally, Timbo, and any of the rest of you, if you have any good jokes, or even fair to middling jokes, please e-mail them to me. You will find the link over on the left underneath the list of "Recent Comments".
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 10:00
Congratulations, and have a great day. I hope you remembered the flowers, and have booked somewhere expensive...
Posted by: Whyaxye | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 10:46
Congratulations to you and memsahib, dear duffers. A great achievement indeed.
Oh and the jokes are just fine as usual, thank you. I will try to be more diligent in sending jokes, but usually the best ones in my emails are from you.
Posted by: missred | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 12:40
David, congratulations to you and the long suffering Mrs! Fifty two years is something to be proud of.
Posted by: whitewall | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 13:09
Your new wife (What did you do with the old one?) obviously has a very good sense of humour. If she had consigned you to the compost heap years ago she would out and free these last good many years.
Posted by: Doonhamer | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 13:43
Is thinking and adult common sense peaking through in academia?
http://www.breitbart.com/london/2016/10/02/students-walk-out-of-patronising-sexual-consent-class-en-mass/
Posted by: whitewall | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 15:00
Happy anniversary, David. Who would have guessed there's more to you than curmudgeonly political opinion?
Posted by: Bob | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 16:06
Congratulations, David.
Best wishes,
Henry
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 17:46
Thank you all for your good wishes, much appreciated.
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 19:38
Just shows what a remarkable woman the memsahib is.
Fancy putting up with you for all that time!
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 20:17
Congratulations, David. These days, any marriage which lasts more than a few years seems to be far from the norm. When the Boss and I were celebrating our 40th, a few months ago, we were asked what the secret of a long and happy marriage was. I explained that when we married, we agreed that I would make all the major decisions in the marriage and my wife would make the minor decisions. The result is that in 40 years of marriage, I have never had to make a major decision!
Posted by: Penseivat | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 20:52
Penseivat,
Sounds like the first decision in your marriage was a minor one, namely, who decides whether a decision is major or minor.
:)
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 03 October 2016 at 22:22
David
Congrats to you and the Memsahib.
I gather you follow my fathers rule:
When you are wrong -- apologize.
When your right -- Apologize profusely !!!
Seemed to work for me.
Posted by: Hank | Tuesday, 04 October 2016 at 00:07
Hank, Amen!
Posted by: whitewall | Tuesday, 04 October 2016 at 00:16
My fellow learned very early on to say "Yes, dear."
Wise move!
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 04 October 2016 at 08:27
As I and my far better half approach, (in three days time, actually); our 49th, we extend our own congratulations to you; and commiserations to your good wife.
As for the 'jokes', I notice that you have derogated entirely from the politically-correct ideas which should have been burnt into your protesting mind many years ago.
Posted by: Mike Cunningham | Tuesday, 04 October 2016 at 16:23