Yes, here they are, bright and early, too, thanks to the extra hour in bed!
Got an urgent phone call from my blonde girlfriend. Poor thing was in tears. When she had calmed down, she explained that she was doing a jigsaw puzzle and all the pieces seemed the same. I asked what the picture on the box was and she told me it was a big hen or chicken.
I went over to help. She showed me into the room where she was doing the puzzle. I looked at the pieces. I looked at the box. I looked at my blonde girlfriend. I thought and thought.
Finally I said, "My love, let's just put the cornflakes back in the carton and never discuss this again".
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Some people have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it green with pink trim. Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day. The City Council told me: Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque." Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!
I love this country. It's the government that scares me.
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The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What
happened, Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her
I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation............
She never got your e-mail"
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Finally, a question and answer section for retirees, er, like me!
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Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. |
Hmm... ya ever read 'red head' jokes like blonde jokes? I married a red head to be on the safe side as I have always had a weak spot for them. Besides, can you imagine what it is like trying to teach a blonde how to fish?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 10:46
The mind boggles at the thought, Whiters!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 10:49
I would have scored an A+ on the quiz for retirees.
Posted by: Timbo | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 11:44
You may shuffle to the top of the class, Timbo!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 11:52
Q: What is the question most frequently asked BY a retiree?
A: Where the f*ck are my glasses?
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 19:19
Henry, I know what you mean. I have four pair. Somewhere.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 31 October 2016 at 20:14