And the Joke of the Year at the Oscars is ... the Oscars! Oh my giddy aunt, a damp, chilly, Monday morning and I found myself reeling round the kitchen clutching my sides with helpless laughter. Sorry, People, I don't think my jokes are going to give you that level of laughter!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
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And now a fine series of 'jokes' worthy of the late, great Tommy Cooper. Talk about laugh, you might - just!
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Right, that's your lot - you'll be glad to hear!
Like you, I fell about laughing, and then watched RT, who didn't seem to have noticed.
I would like to thank Bob and his friends for giving us a really cheerful start to the week!
Posted by: backofanenvelope | Monday, 27 February 2017 at 09:48
David, these are funny! Good start.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 27 February 2017 at 12:44
It is so good to laugh on a Monday. When I woke this morning I said with dread - oh I have to do this all over again.
Posted by: missred | Monday, 27 February 2017 at 16:27
I remember the feeling, dear Miss Red, and I feel for you, er, in the nicest possible way, of course!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 27 February 2017 at 17:39
http://www.kait8.com/story/34614934/mid-south-council-members-arrested-for-not-paying-water-bills
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When I break bad (and I know I will) I hope I set my sights higher than not paying my water bill.
Posted by: JK | Monday, 27 February 2017 at 21:02