As fine a collection of absolute corkers as you could wish for on a Monday morning!
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her phone in public any longer.
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I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and the Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
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I have been warned by the Race Relations Board that my non-stop 'Paddy' jokes constitute racism at its worst. So here are a few blatantly disgraceful 'Jockist' jokes - sorry, Jimmy!
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
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In some Scottish restaurants, they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
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McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed," said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything…"
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McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper."
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After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced, "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
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As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat. "Where's the hat?" asked the Laird. I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail. "Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident." "Aye. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."
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A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P.”
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"
She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete dick!”
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This blog prides itself on its strictly, non-discriminatory policy - we insult everybody!
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.. 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'
There, I don't think I left anyone out!
Moses came down from the mountain and said to the Children of Israel, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I got Him down to 10. The bad news is Adultery is still in."
Posted by: decnine | Monday, 06 February 2017 at 10:48
Nice one, Deccers!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 06 February 2017 at 11:22
Now I know how we ended up with Ten!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 06 February 2017 at 12:50
So glad to see you are back to being an equal opportunity offender, Duffers.
Posted by: Timbo | Monday, 06 February 2017 at 14:32
It is not just that Adultery was left on the list. Golda Meir summed it up nicely.
Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
Shalom
Posted by: AussieD | Monday, 06 February 2017 at 22:18
After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced, "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
I note that you have accomplished the rare feat of synthesizing all of Scottishness in a single paragraph.
Well done......MacDuff
Posted by: Mike Cunningham | Tuesday, 07 February 2017 at 11:10