Your Monday Funnies: 6.3.17

Despite the fact that the biggest laughs are coming out of Washington, here are a few cheerful morsels for you to choke chew on as you start the working week:

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

And the correct answers are:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?  The good news is:  You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert!

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Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, just the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.  When we came out, there was a parking meter bloke writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an asshole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Anne called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window:  "I support Muslims".

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.  I  buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.  OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What ... You're coming empty handed?"

__________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

__________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"  She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...

But all men ... Are men!

 Look out, here comes the Boss - late again!

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Well David, these are solid gold truth! Good start.

[missred]

Winners all today, dear duffers! Thanks for the giggles

[TheBigHenry]

I got RANDOM right. What's the wrong answer?
:)

[Up2L8]

I got RANDOM wrong, put FANDOM.