Your Monday Funnies on a Sunday: 26.3.17

That's because first thing tomorrow I am off on a mega-shopping trip to Cribbs Causeway, a 'yuuuuge' shopping mall.  Well, it's 'yuuuuge' as far as 'Zummerzet' is concerned but you'd probably get ten of them inside a Texas equivalent!  Anyway, to avoid the weeping and wailing if you plebs don't get your Monday morning 'funnies', here they are tonight.  And the first one should offend just about everyone!

_{IN RESPONSE TO ALL RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:} 

_{PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.}

_{YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WHO WE THINK MAY HAVE BEEN WOMEN WEARING BURKAS, TEN PEOPLE WEARING TURBANS, TWENTY PEOPLE WEARING JEREMY CORBYN T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP}

_{MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, FOUR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES, TWO MORMONS, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE MUSLIMS AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.}

_{FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!}

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The bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. 

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. 

Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, wharfies, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. 

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draught, and  started looking around the bar. 

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." 

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. 

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1,000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

_{The little fellow quietly replied: "No, I work for the Australian Taxation Office".}

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Women’s responses to size: 

2 inches: I can't even hold it. 

3 inches: Never been so unsatisfied. 

4 inches: I've had bigger than it. 

5 inches: Good, but I wish it was a bit bigger. 

6 inches: perfect. 

7 inches: Love it. 

8 inches: Wow! But can't have it all. 

9 inches: A lot, but manageable. 

10 inches: Too much pressure on stomach, fills me up. 

This survey was actually Customers' Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches!  But I love the way you think!

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A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the England v Ireland rugby match on 18th March. He paid £100 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be on the same afternoon as his wedding.  

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. 

It's at the Registry Office on Grand Canal Street at 4.30 p.m. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, nice figure, quite pretty and is a really good cook.  She'll be the one in the white frock!

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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

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You know that tingly feeling you get when you’re attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

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Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

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Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

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You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

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If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

That's your lot and when I get back tomorrow I might be asking y'all for a few contributions to the coffers!

 

 

Comments

[TheBigHenry]

A traveling group of Shakespearean actors would come to a town and because their funds were very limited, they would advertise the plays they could perform thus: 3"; 6"; 9"; 12"; wet; dry.

Name these plays by Big Bill the Bard. I will provide the answers upon email request to hl98@cornell.edu

[Whitewall]

David Duff! Going shopping, at a mall? Why just a few days ago, you were at death's door step with raging "man flu"! Many of your fans on at least three continents were very worried for you. You recover in time to go shopping? The least you can do is tell us you spent your time on the many husband benches available throughout.

[Michael F Adams]

Why is it that men who can run a Marathon, need those blessed husband benches when the women are shopping? I am apt to say (whine?) that I can feel the blood pooing in my legs, but, is that objectively true?

BTW there remain a few big malls in Texas, but many have closed, or been repurposed, because of the inroads of on-line shopping. Austin had four, now down to one. They were a great idea, if you lived in the heat of the sunbelt, or the snowdrifts of the frozen North, but both of those can be avoided, sitting at the computer.

So very glad you survived the savage man-flu.

[Whitewall]

Michael, maybe because a Marathon has a purpose: it begins and it ends and there are rewards. Shopping, for us, is passive: it begins with little or no reason, it drifts along for little reason and rarely comes to a conclusion. Often a return trip is needed. Not so after a Marathon. Holding her hand bag is not a reward, especially if it clashes with his outfit.

[TheBigHenry]

The volume of email requests for the answers to the riddle I posed, above, was so underwhelming that I decided to post them:

3" is "Much Ado About Nothing";
6" is "As You Like It";
9" is "The Taming of the Shrew";
12" is "The Two Gentlemen of Verona";
wet is "A Midsummer Night's Dream";
dry is "Twelfth Night".

[David Duff]

I'm sure, Henry, that I speak for all the other 'thickoes' here in thanking you for providing the answers. Now the next thing you have to do is provide the explanations!

[TheBigHenry]

David,

I'm sure that even the "thickoes" here need no explanations for "wet" and "dry". As for the measurements (in inches), perhaps one of the ladies here would oblige?