Yes, you lucky people, today you will be receiving TWO sets of Funnies because I have things to do this morning and I'm pressed for time. Mind you, this first part contains more jokes than you usually get! Also, they're Jewish jokes so you're getting a real bargain!
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears.
"Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mum, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner
Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. He asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
These are good! My younger brother spends the winter near Cocoa Beach Florida every year. He is there now so I forwarded these to him...much positive response from his neighbors and friends who seem to "resemble those jokes".
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 13 March 2017 at 13:34
Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses tees off straight down the fairway. It takes a few hops and bounces up onto the green. Jesus says, "Nice shot, Mo."
Jesus tees off straight when suddenly, the ball takes a wicked hook into the trees. It bounces around until a squirrel picks it up and starts running with it back to the tee.
Just then, an eagle swoops down on the squirrel, picks it up in his claws and flies towards the green. As he flies over the hole, a bolt of lightning hits the eagle. The eagle drops the squirrel; the squirrel drops the ball; the ball drops into the hole!
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to fuck around or play golf?"
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 13 March 2017 at 15:28