DUFF & NONSENSE!

The Sunday Rumble: 30.4.17

Nurse Ratched strikes again:   Sorry, just one 'rumble' for now - but more later - because I am off to do my 'Nurse Ratched' act this morning as I visit an elderly - yes, even older than me! - relative who is quite dotty and lives in a care home.  Not easy because she drives me nuts with her endless, mindless chatter but I absolutely must NOT snap because  underneath her endless ramblings she is a sweetie.  Back later!

 

And then it gets worse:   I get back from my virtuous, not to say, saintly, duties to find the 'Memsahib' still in bed feeling unwell having thrown up.  I warned her that the Grand Prix starts at 1.00 so the nursing service might be intermittent.  She did not look impressed!

 

Never mind France, just keep an eye on Italy:   As this blog never ceases to remind you, it will be Italy that kicks the foundation stone from under the edifice of the EU.  Now, what's the Italian for 'Bring it on'?

 

Boring-snoring!   I suppose it's unfair to blame the 'Rooskies' for the most tedious Grand Prix in years although I will because their circuit is totally useless.  Actually, I went off and had a nap halfway through and when I woke nothing much had changed.  Our frightfully, pukka, decent, British chap, 'the Right Honourable' Lewis Hamilton, just went round in circles and finished where he started - fourth!  Something must be done!

 

Clever fella' that Fraser Nelson:   You see, he speaks two languages fluently, English-English and Political-English.  So, if like me you wonder what, exactly and precisely, Mrs. May is waffling on about when she deigns to grant the occasional interview to the 'smelly socks brigade', then the 'Ed of Spec' provides you with an excellent translation over at The Coffee House.  Read it and weep!

 

Obviously, the 'Heffalump' reads this blog:   I claim that fact having just read Simon Heffer's column in The Telegraph today.  As you, my faithful readers do know, I always refer to the Liberal Democrats as the 'il-Lib-non-Dems'.  Mr. Heffer puts it this way:

"On the rare occasions Lib Dems have crept into this column I have noted the paradox of their being called “Liberal Democrats”; they seem to be neither, as the last week has shown."

Stout fella, that 'Heffalump', and no, no, I don't mean he is overweight, a tad plump, perhaps, but I just mean that he is, er, 'right on', if that is the correct modern jargon.

 

And yet another!   Er, that is, another 'frightfully, pukka, decent, British chap', and this one is called Anthony Joshua and he just beat another very decent chap from the Ukraine called Wladimir Klitschko in a heavyweight fight.

Pity that little squirt of a London mayor managed to grease his way into the photo but never mind him, let us all celebrate two colossal warriors who not only fought well and fairly but also managed to conduct themselves like gentlemen before, during and after the fight.  Such a relief after the mega-silliness that pervades boxing these days.

 

It reminded me of the 'milling':   Watching that fight brought back memories of 'milling'.  This was a part of the selection course you had to undergo to join the Regiment.  You were paired off with another 'wannabe' Para roughly - very roughly - by size and weight and you were both put in the ring wearing some very old and well-worn boxing gloves with little in the way of stuffing.  They rang the bell and the idea was that you stood toe to toe for a minute bashing the brains out of each other.  It was not considered 'the done thing' to duck and dive, taking it on the chin, or at least somewhere on the face, was what was expected.  Needles to say, not being used to fighting, my opponent instantly bashed me in the face which made my nose bleed and my eyes fill with tears which meant that I could not actually see him.  I blinked furiously to clear my vision but just as it came back and I drew my arm back to counter-punch (yes, pulling my arm back was not good fighting technique I learned later!) in came another punch!  Consequently I staggered around half blind until in the end I just let rip with a wild swing in roughly where I thought my opponent might be standing.  I felt a slight bump but then his blows ceased.  In that pause I managed at last to clear my vision and, blow me down, there he was flat on his back.  Apparently I had enjoyed a lucky punch!  Mind you, he got up again very quickly and matters resumed their normal course.  It was the longest minute of my life!

 

"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest":   Having made mention of Nurse Radchet earlier, I cannot get my mind off that truly excellent film in which she featured.  It is absolutely and definitely in my Top Ten Films, even if there are about forty such films in there!  I really must get a DVD copy and watch it again - er, SoD, if you're reading this, it's my birthday in a couple of weeks - NUDGE-NUDGE, WINK-WINK!

 

 

No more rumbles today

 

'Winnie' had a way with words

I confess to feeling some discomfort when I wrote my commentaries on Christopher Bell's excellent book "Churchill and the Dardanelles" (see a few posts below) because, dammit, no matter how wrong-headed 'Winnie' was over that - and some other - debacles, I find it impossible not to admire the man.  If his faults were 'yuuuge' (to quote the current jargon), then so were his virtues.  I am reminded of this by a review in The Telegraph from a year ago - yes, yes, I know but I save these things and only get round to reading them much later - of a book entitled "All Behind You, Winston" written by Roger Hermiston which tells the story of the remarkable coalition cabinet formed under Churchill's leadership which steered us through to victory in 1945.  I know it was a time of great peril but even so it was a remarkable effort on the part of all concerned, Labour, Liberal and Conservative politicians to sink their differences under the leadership of that extraordinary man.  I know a fair bit about Churchill's strategic leadership carried out in concert - well, mostly concert! - with his international allies but very little of how British domestic affairs were conducted.  Oh dear, I foresee more dosh heading towards Amazon!

However, The Telegraph review ends with seven examples of Churchill's wit which I thought y'all might enjoy: 

• "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it"
• "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals"
• "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life"
• "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me"
• "In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet"
• "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. It's also what it takes to sit down and listen"
• "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter"

 

 

Pas certain mais peut-être

Jonathan Miller has an intriguing piece at The Coffee House summed up, perhaps, in his first paragraph:

On Wednesday night, the two finalists in the French presidential election will meet for a head to head television debate, which will be watched by almost everyone in France. A choice between plague and cholera.

My first re-action is 'poor France' but on the other hand this is real-politik and there can be no room for sentiment.  According to Mr. Miller, the more the French see of the favourite, Emmanuel Macron, the less they like him but whether that will be enough for them to hold their noses and vote for Mde. Le Pen in sufficient numbers he is not sure.  She has pulled a smart move by already announcing the name of the man she would appoint as prime minister, a very Right-wing politician but not from her party which should broaden her base.

Also, she scored a few days ago when she turned up unexpectedly at a factory in a particular town where she was cheered by the workers.  Macron was also visiting the town but was intent on talking privately to the local politicians.  Hearing of Le Pen's surprise arrival, he too went to the factory - where the workers booed him!  He did not add 'lustre to his cluster' when, after finishing in the top at the first election, he went off to the swankiest restaurant in Paris to party with his posh friends.  Sounds just like 'Dim Dave'!

Anyway, the 'experts' - yeeeees, quite! - have him down as the winner but much will hang on the coming TV debate.  By all accounts he lives up to the reputation of L'école supérieure which he attended so he could be a tricky opponent but on the other hand Mde. Le Pen has the passion!  I hope she wins not so much for what she might do to France but what he might do to us!

 

Welcome with open arms the Greek bearing gifts

The particular Greek I have in mind is Mr. Yanis Varoufakis, the former Greek finance minister who, poor chap, had his Greek grapes put in the crusher and turned to juice by the European Kommandanten!  He has now written a book on his experience and it should be compulsory reading for Mrs. May and her entire cabinet before 'zey are taken down, vun by vun, to ze cellars in Brussels where zey haf veys of making you sign vot zey vant you to sign'!  In today's Telegraph, A E-P (who else?) has written a summary of the book and it is an absolute eye-opener.  I always believed that negotiations with the EU fanatics would be a waste of time and now I know it for sure.

There are lessons for Brexit in this sad saga [of Greek defeat]. Prof Varoufakis, a specialist on economic “Game Theory”, says Britain must not let itself be captured by the EU’s negotiating net.

If the UK succumbs to that fate, it will be beaten down by one humiliating defeat after another in a slow campaign of attrition. The EU will exploit Britain’s political divisions, playing off regions and parties against each other.

“My advice to Theresa May is to avoid negotiation at all costs. If she doesn’t do that she will fall into the trap of Alexis Tsipras, and it will end in capitulation,” he told The Telegraph.

According to A E-P's reading of Varoufakis's book, negotiations will be an endless trap in which the people with whom you think you are negotiating are simply glove puppets put up by a mysterious committee called the 'Eurogroup Working Group' under the command (I use the word deliberately) of some mysterious German called Thomas Weiser who, in turn, reports to German finance minister Wolfgang Schauble - why am I not surprised?

I cannot stress this too strongly, the Europeans, under strict German command and control, have absolutely no intention of negotiating any sort of deal.  Their main aim is to bring us to heel with as much humiliation as possible 'pour encourager les autres'!  I hope and pray that Mrs. May recognises this and as soon as it becomes apparent to the general public  I hope she will swing her handbag, Maggie-style, and leave the room and leave this festering, corrupt, German racket.

 

 

And lo, I have risen from the dead, well, sort of!

I don't suppose any of you noticed but I was 'off air' for an hour or two this afternoon but now, courtesy of 'a very nice man' from BT, I am back on again.  Pheeeew, now I know what it must be like to go 'cold turkey' because, honestly, not having a working computer-thingie is like losing your best friend!  Yeah, yeah, I know, sad, isn't it?

Anyway, I now have a 'fibre connection' which will make me 'super-fast' - better watch out, baby! - or so 'SoD' tells me.  Sorry for the disconnection but normal service has now resumed!

What's the French for 'when in doubt keep doing the same thing'?

I feel sorry for our French neighbours - no, really, I mean it.  Three times in the last 150-odd years they have had their gonads removed by those damned Huns so it is no wonder that they lack a little confidence.  Mind you, to be fair, it was mainly that strip of sea water between us and them that saved us from suffering the unkindest cut of all!  Alas, for the French there is no escape from recent history.  Undoubtedly there are some hefty segments of their population determined to re-assert French independence but I suspect the majority will simply shrug and carry on as usual.  And, of course, the 'usual' for France today is to play the part of the French poodle trotting along obediently behind the stern, dumpy Hausfrau who has charge of them. 

There are two superb articles in The Spectator (out today - so go buy a copy!) taking a somewhat gloomy look at the forthcoming French presidential election and their cartoon illustrates that the Emperor is wearing no clothes:

Nobody gives the gallant Mde. le Pen a chance in the next election, although there are slight indications that her poll numbers are improving.  If the unlikely does happen and she wins then it will be "exciting times" for France and you know what they say about "exciting times"!  I doubt that there will be much excitement with the deeply peculiar Emmanuel Macron who is set to win.  I don't care if it is 'politically incorrect' to mention it, but any man who decides at the age of 17 to marry his school teacher who is 24 years older than him and already the mother of three children is, to quote the old phrase, 'not quite 16 anas to the rupee'!  Now, according to 'The Speccie', rumour has it that Macron is in "a close relationship with a senior male broadcaster" - cue: Gallic shrug and another puff on a Gauloise cigarette!

Anyway, I'm not here to worry about the French, any more than they worry about me, but a Macron win will add enormously to the pressure on Britain in the 'Brexit' negotiations.  The EU fanatics across Europe will be puffed up with pride that France has stayed faithful and they will be even more determined to exact 'cruel and unusual punishment' on us.  To which, my response is simple - bring it on!  Then shall we see their true, megalomaniac nature and anyone with vestiges of pro-European feelings will thank God that we escaped.  Also, if the 'Euros' are really that stupid then these tedious, so-called negotiations can be brought to a swift end as we pick up our briefcase and hat and make for the exit.

Yes, there may be hard times ahead but it's not as though we haven't been there before and lived to tell the tale!

 

 

History writing at its very best

I have finally reached the end of Dr. Christopher M. Bell's excellent history entitled Churchill and the Dardenelles and I cannot recommend it too highly.  Even thinking about how much sheer, hard, slogging graft it must have taken to plough through the volumes of documentation involved is almost enough to send me to bed for a week!  Not, mind you, that it was hard work reading it, on the contrary, Dr. Bell's pellucid prose remained crystal clear even as he strove to summarise even-handedly disparate events from disparate witnesses.  The book is an example of history writing at its very best.

 

When, in an earlier post, I mentioned that I was starting to read this book, I offered my opinion (as an ex-Corporal!) that anyone who thought that in 1915 they could drive warships 60-odd miles up an exceedingly narrow waterway against opposition on both banks was utterly bonkers.  Having read Dr. Bell's book my opinion is confirmed and the only surprise is that the mythical Field Marshall's baton which is said to reside in the knapsack of every soldier was not offered to me formally during my otherwise less than conspicuous service! I hasten to add that Dr. Bell is more circumspect in his conclusions.

Yesterday was ANZAC Day so it was an appropriate time for me to complete the reading of this book.  As Dr. Bell makes clear, Churchill, as First Lord of the Admiralty, was not a prime-mover in the landing of troops in Gallipoli and the gross slaughter that ensued could not be laid at his door but, of course, it was his naval adventure that set the scene and after that it was a classic case of "events, dear boy, events!" taking over. 

What is even more fascinating than the actual combat was the even more 'bloody combat' that ensued as all the leading actors strove after the event to justify their decisions and actions.  The book offers a truly masterful summary of the differing versions by different 'actors' which were offered up, especially by Churchill, to justify their parts in the tragic disaster.  Today we talk of 'alt-truth' and 'fake news' but do not under any circs think they are just a modern phenomenon.  Churchill, in particular, was a master of it!

If the art, and craft, of war and politics fascinates you, as it does me, then read this book.

 

 

Now pay attention and absolutely no sniggering!

This post is a report on a serious and scientific subject with which I have, er, grappled over the years.  No, no, not global warming, nor the state of Erwin Schrödinger's bloody cat, I'm talking complex, variable, multi-statistics here best summed up by the headline in The Mail:

The changing size of British breasts: How the average woman’s bust has bloomed from a modest 34B to a curvy 34DD like Kim Kardashian in just 50 years!

Now you can see my difficulty immediately because I haven't the faintest idea what '34B' or '34DD' means, they could be the square root of pi for all I know!  It is one of those deeply mysterious constructs (and believe me, they frequently are constructed!) of the sort you come across in quantum physics where a pair of particles might be spinning one way or another and you can only settle the matter by looking but, alas, the mere attempt to look results in a painful nudge in the ribs from the 'Memsahib' - and God help you if try a surreptitious feel!

Anyway, some, no doubt dandruff-ridden, 'smelly-socks' from The Mail has conducted an in-depth investigation and tells us that our frightfully decent, British ladies have now achieved the sort of dimensions only available to Ms. Kim Kardashion:

 

 

I'm sorry but this technical investigation will have to come to an end because, alas, that photo of Ms. Kardashian has left me in an over-wrought condition and I must go and lie down to recover.  Damn, it's very tough supplying you ingrates with all these important stories  . . .

 

 

Now, about this Macron fella', who owns him?

I ask the question because until a few months ago nobody had ever heard of him and he had no political party to speak of - or for!  His background was the high and exclusive ranks of the French civil service, followed by a spell at Rothschild's Bank - yeeeees quite! -  then as a minister in Hollande's dysfunctional government from which he resigned.  In so far as he has a political motif it appears to be plus ça change mais plus ç'est la même chose!  Given that La France is heading inexorably towards la merde then that will simply put off the evil day and the resulting crash will be all the more bloody.

The Editors at The NRO sum him up this way:

_{Economically, Macron has made a few cursory nods toward retrenchment — he hopes to cut the bureaucracy and lower corporate taxes, and has pledged to reduce France’s deficit — but he remains a socialist at heart. Under a Macron presidency, the welfare state will be expanded rather than limited; the 35-hour work week will at best be tinkered with; and, give or a take a few details, the status quo he helped President Hollande put in place will be left well alone.}

Not the least of his problems will be the make-up of the new French Assembly due to be elected very shortly.  Given that Macron has no party he can expect no loyalty from there whatever he does and the opposition from Left and Right will be fierce.  Needless to say, the buffoons in Brussels are crowing their delight that Mde. Le Pen appears to stand no chance of winning and thus the EU lives and breathes again - but for how long?  Instead of reckoning up the growing resentments and acting wisely the 'Eurocrats' will blunder on demanding ever greater unity.

Personally, and you all know how expert I am in these matters - yeeeees, quite! - I am not so convinced that Macron will beat the lady but even if he does the most he will achieve is to dig an even bigger hole for France and Europe to fall into.  One thing is certain if he does win, a negotiated Brexit will be nigh on impossible so brace yourself for a unilateral walk out by Britain.  Bring it on!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 24.4.17

Off we all go for another week in the salt mines:

_{If Scotland gains its independence in the proposed second referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the “Former United Kingdom,” or FUK.} 

_{In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting “yes” in the referendum the Government has now begun to campaign with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake.”} 

_{They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.}

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.  He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."} 

_{They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.} 

_{Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.  The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."} 

_{At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him, “Look,” she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."}

_{:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"}

_{"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.}

_{"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat. “}

_{He never heard the gunshot.}

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{Finally, and at no extra expense - this truly is the blog that gives and gives - some excellent advice to improve your lives:}

1. _{Do not walk behind me,for I may not lead.}

         _{Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.}

        _{Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow.}

        _{Just piss off and leave me alone.}  

2. _{Sex is like oxygen.     It's not that important until you aren’t getting any.}

_{3. No one is listening until you fart.}

_{4. Always remember you're unique.     Just like everyone else.}

_{5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.}

_{6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.}

_{7. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.}

_{8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.}

_{9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again it was probably well worth it.}

_{10. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.}

_{11. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.}

_{12. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.}

_{13. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.}

_{14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.}

_{15. There are many excellent theories for arguing with women.  None of which have ever worked.}

_{16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.}

_{17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.}

_{18. We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped as soon as we appear then things just keep getting worse.}

_{19. Never - under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.}

 

The Sunday Rumble: 23.4.17

In the land of the blind, Dan Hodges is king:   Well, as you know, Mr. Hodges only has one eye following (if memory serves) an altercation in a pub in which he acted with bravery and was 'glassed' for his troubles.  Anyway, in his column in The Mail today, this stalwart Labour party supporter has, so to speak, bitten the bullet and announced that he intends to vote Tory at the election.

Labour is in this mess precisely because it does not believe it should be held accountable. It believes the British people – in particular the working class – owe it a living. ‘It doesn’t matter what we say or do,’ the party has smugly told itself year after year. ‘Working people will still back us. Maybe not enough to form a Government, but we can still luxuriate in opposition.’

That about sums up what passes for political thinking in the mad, mad world of 'Labourland'.  They deserve everything they are about to get!

 

Donald Trump: 'The Painted Turd':  There's nothing quite like a nice glass of vitriol to start your day and they don't come more vitriolic than that offered by Mr. David Cole over at 'Takimag'.  Give it a read and weep as you laugh.

 

My man Kamm speaks:   Well, he writes rather than speaks but you know what I mean.  Also, I don't really 'know' Oliver Kamm, it's just that years ago when I first discovered blogging, his was one of my favourite blogs - even though I didn't always agree with him.  Then, alas, 'my ex-best friend, Rupe', hired him as a columnist at The Times which I do not read because I can't afford it!  However, from time to time Oliver pops up in other places such as this piece at CapX - and no, me neither!  He is always worth reading despite the fact that he is that rare breed, a convinced Blairite, and also a totally committed 'Remoaner'.

 

The 'Hefferlump' gives a Gallic shrug:   Whilst our election is more or less 'a given', in France it is a total lottery.  Simon Heffer in The Telegraph boils it down to just one certainty, that if Mde. Le Pen is one of the two finishers to face any of the other candidates in a fortnight's time - she wins.  Quel dommage!

 

T0 ban or not to ban?   That is not the question despite the 'Kippers' jumping up and down at the back of the classroom shouting "Ban the burqa!"  Fortunately, at the moment, we have more important questions to ponder but that will only last until some female Islamic nutter hides a bomb in her burqa and takes herself and others off to paradise, although given the male domination over that religion she cannot possibly hope for 72 virgins when she arrives!  I confess that I loathe and detest the burqa but then, equally, I loathe and detest the tattoos with which women desecrate their bodies.  So by and large, in my English way, I shrug and mutter live and let live.  However, I do have one unalterable objection and that is to the face veil.  I can't quite explain it but there is something totally abhorent about any human refusing to show their face. So, leave the burqa but ban the veil!

 

"Words, words, words":   As this is Shakespeare's birthday I am happy to quote the exasperated 'Prince of Denmark' but actually it is not so much words I am concerned with but the 'correct' way to pronounce them.  According to The Mail today this is tricky!  Take 'scone', for instance.  Do you rhyme it with 'cone' or 'gone'?  According to the 'Lady Bracknells' of this world the former is posh and the latter is common!  Alas, breeding has nothing to do with it according to some 'word swots' who have studied dialects in England.  How you pronounce it depends on where you live.  Down 'ere in deepest, darkest 'Zummerzet' they probably say 'scaaarn'!

 

Better look out, the Klingons are coming!   Oooops, sorry, I mean the Clintons are coming.  No, no, not Bill, alas, because at least he was a laugh but there are still hints in the media that 'HillBilly' refuses to accept that she lost and is already positioning herself for another run.  That's bad enough but there is even worse news - Chelsea, the rich little know-nothing daughter, is considering her chances:

Kevin D. Williamson, who is a very naughty boy, begins his warning notice at The NRO with these words: "Hasn’t Bill Clinton been fellated thoroughly enough?"  Hardly in good taste, er, if you know what I mean but then he continues, thus:

Rather than send Bill Clinton into his dotage with a generous allowance of Viagra and interns, they gave his wife — his batty, corrupt, inept, corrupt, feckless, corrupt, preening, unbearable, corrupt, condescending, and corrupt wife — the Senate seat being vacated by Daniel Patrick Moynihan, the last good Democrat.

Well, we all know what happened after that - nothing much except that she became the Secretary of State and oversaw the murder of several of her diplomatic personnel.  Is it any wonder that even 'The Donald' beat her to the Presidency?

But the Klingons - sorry, sorry - the Clintons never give up.  Stepping up for her turn on the stage comes Chelsea and Mr. Williamson sums it up this:

Have a little self-respect, Democrats. Build Bill Clinton a statue or . . . whatever. Send him your daughters like a bunch of bone-in-the-nose primitives paying tribute to the tribal chieftain. But stop trying to inflict this empty-headed, grasping, sanctimonious, risible, simpering, saccharine little twerp on American public life.

Crikey, doesn't mince his words, does he?

 

No more rumbles today

 

Who is Theresa? What is Theresa?

I still 'ha'e ma doots' concerning Mrs. May.  Mainly, this is because she rarely if ever provides us with any sort of detail concerning her political aims.  The former 'Ed of Spec' and now a distinguished commentator at The Telegraph, Charles Moore, sums up our ignorance of her aims and objectives by asking a list of questions:

Here is a quick, unsystematic list of matters on which we do not know her views – the NHS, tax, Russia, Islamist ideology and subversion, the environment, defence strategy, international development and, which shows how clever she is, the EU itself. Even today, she has avoided telling us whether she is in favour of Brexit. All we know is that she says it will happen and that it will be a success.

He then touches on slightly deeper, more fundamental areas of ignorance we have concerning the lady:

To this could be appended a list of more philosophical questions about which her views are, so far, opaque. What is her attitude to freedom, a word which she rarely uses? Does she think free markets are the key to prosperity? If so, how can an “industrial strategy” achieve anything? Does she believe in universal human rights law? What is her overall view of government spending and borrowing in the age of unfavourable demographics? Would she call herself a Thatcherite?

No-one who isn't technically brain dead has any doubts what 'Jezza' is for, or that funny, earnest, little man who runs the 'il-Lib-non-Dems', they are both bonkers but honest but when it comes to Theresa - who knows?  As usual, 'our Will' summed it up - just change the name:

Who is Silvia? what is she,

    That all our swains commend her?

Holy, fair, and wise is she;

    The heaven such grace did lend her,

That she might admirèd be.

Well, it's no good worrying about it.  Only the afore-mentioned 'brain dead' will vote for 'Jezza' or 'the man with no name' so I suppose, like our American friends 'over there', we will just have to wait and see what actually happens.

 

 

Now be honest, would you kiss this man?

 

 

Oh alright then, no you wouldn't, so let me ask you another question, would you vote for him?  He is, of course, the current leader of the 'Unite' union which appears to be anything but united!  Apparently the votes are in and being counted, er, well, being 'sorted' is perhaps a better description because Mr. Len McCluskey (for it is he) is for the first time facing some considerable opposition from a very plucky prole by the name of Gerard Coyne who is running for 'Red' Len's position as General Secretary of the union.

The result will not be announced for another week, well, er, 'sorting' the votes is a long job, but one may sense the outcome from the fact that 'Red' Len has had his opponent suspended from the union according to Stephen Daisley at The Coffee House:

Gerard Coyne was suspended from his post as West Midlands regional secretary of Britain’s biggest union while an investigation takes place. It is not clear what Coyne is accused of, who his accusers are, or when he will get to see the evidence against him, assuming there is any.

Anyway, altogether now - UP THE WORKERS!

 

Additional:  Guido reports that McCluskey has won.  Who's surprised?

 

 

Does 'The Don' read 'The Kraut'?

Alas, I suspect not because I do not imagine 'The Don' to be that much of a reader which is a pity because today, over at the NRO, 'The Kraut' takes a long, hard and cool look at some of the underlying realities behind the imbroglio with 'Fat Boy Kim'.

First of all he emphasises that it is very definitely not just an American problem.  The Chinese must know, particularly in this new Trumpian age which is so very different from the lacklustre, limp-wristed reign of 'Obama the Wet', that the USA will simply not allow North Korea to develop ICBMs capable of taking out America cities.  The choice facing the Chinese is simple, they can do something about the North Korean regime or sit back and watch South Korea and Japan build up their missile systems which need not necessarily be aimed at North Korea alone!  Or, they can watch and wait for the USA to strike which will kick off an almighty war of destruction all across the entire region and bring their economy to its knees.

'The Kraut' suggests, very shrewdly, that America could help the Chinese to act in their own self interest by offering to abjure any notion of Korean unification so long as the Chinese get rid of 'Fat Boy Kim' and any of his 'thugocracy' of similar mind.  They can keep their so-called 'workers paradise' puppets in Pyongyang just so long as they ensure that it is Chinese hands pulling the strings.

I wonder if 'The Donald' gets that!

 

Churchillian madness

Following my introductory post a few days ago on the subject of the Dardenelles campaign in 1915, I have moved with agonising slowness to Chapter 7 of Christopher M. Bell's excellent book "Churchill and the Dardenelles", in fact, I am almost as slow as the Royal Navy's approach was to this enormously ticklish operation!  The first thing that is worth studying is a map of the area:

 

 

Now regular readers of this blog will be aware that I write on naval affairs with all the expertise of an ex-Corporal - yeeeeees, quite!  So, I am entirely happy for any ex-matelots to correct me.  Anyway, the idea was to sail some British battleships and cruisers up those Straights and into the Sea of Marmara and then, all being well, on again into the Black Sea to join hands with our Russian allies.

 

Be honest - 'wotcha fink?'

 

Well, my reaction was and is that the whole scheme was utter crackpot lunacy!  Both sides of the Straights had forts and heavy gun emplacements built along them, plus hundreds of lighter and more manoeuvrable army howitzers, to say nothing of a huge collection of mines and, just to add another defensive 'delicacy', built-in and camouflaged torpedo tubes on both banks.  Did Winston Churchill, then First Lord of the Admiralty, with all the experience of a junior cavalry officer(!), seriously believe that the Navy could fight those ships through that obvious death trap?  Well, yes, he did!  What is worse is that virtually none of the senior Admiralty staff, including no less a figure that Jacky Fisher, was prepared to scotch the madness at the very beginning.

 

So the momentum built in the full knowledge of the fact that the Navy only had half a dozen converted trawlers to act as minesweepers and around 4 - 6 aircraft to act as spotters for the ships guns attempting to hit targets they could not see.  Fisher's opposition grew as the operation hit the obvious brick wall to which it was steaming but he still lacked the determination to resign as First Sea Lord.  Even so, it became clear that the only way to force a passage through the Straights was to deploy the army mostly on the northern bank in order to clear the gun emplacements - and there began the greatest tragedy of this useless farrago.

 

I will report again when I have advanced beyond Chapter 7!  In the meantime, buy the book, it is grim but it is illuminating.

 

 

 

The 'Ed of Spec' is spot on!

By which I mean, of course, the distinguished Editor of The Spectator, young Master Fraser Nelson - although he doesn't look quite so young these days! - who in today's Telegraph adds yet another good reason why the normally cautious Mrs. May has taken the electoral plunge.  He reminds us that she is still hog-tied by Cameron's last election manifesto.  By winning her own election under her own manifesto then 'with one bound she will be free'!  That's the good news, the bad news is that she will be free to raise tax levels and she will probably get rid of the triple-lock pension pledge which is dearly beloved by old geezers like me!

Even so, I will console myself with the probability that the ludicrous spending of '£zillions' propping up sundry dictators round the world, including we now learn, 'Fat Boy Kim', under the pretence of so-called aid, will be ended.  Grammar schools will be rammed through despite the wailings of the 'edukashun' establishment.  Perhaps shareholders' rights to limit ludicrous pay rates for top execs will strengthened.  Finally, and most deliciously, she will be free to trundle a guillotine into the House of Lords and chop the heads off all those free-loading fat cats.

Can't wait!

 

"Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive!"

Well one thing is for sure, as a commentator mentioned earlier today, at least this Prime Minister and her No.10 team can keep a secret!  Today's announcement of an election took everyone, including all the experts, totally by surprise - as well as, I suspect, many of the key figures in her government.  Also, the timing is impeccable.  There is bound to be a slow start to the Brexit negotiations not least because of the forthcoming elections in France and Germany so now was a good time to get our own house in order.  If, as seems to be beyond doubt, the lady marches her party to Parliament with a whopping majority over the mouldering corpse of the Labour party then that will strengthen her negotiating hand against the Europeans.

Mind you, there are always those irritating 'unknown unknowns'.  The fate of the Labour party is now up for grabs.  If it is a massacre at dawn then how many of the survivors will be moderates or extremists?  Or if the decimation is so extreme, will there even be the vestiges of a Labour party left to act as an opposition?  Many commentators suggest that the Lib-Dems will see a resurgence but even if they double the number of MPs that will only give them 18 seats! 

There's nothing like a good cliché so I will trot this one out - nature abhors a vacuum!  So in a situation in which the Tory party utterly dominates Parliament then some of the more contentious parts of the Brexit negotiations might induce a section of wet Tory 'Remoaner' MPs to consider breaking away to form a new opposition party.  Not likely, I think, but a possibility.

The Jocks, of course, will continue their non-stop moaning and it is extremely unlikely that the ScotsNats will not win overall but if the Tories succeed in increasing their share of MPs by a larger than expected number then that might give 'Mrs. MacWhinge' pause for thought.  Happily, I know even less about the politics of Ulster than any other part of the UK but the stupidity (putting it kindly) of the Unionists might give the Nationalists a bit of a boost.

Meanwhile, 'back at the ranch', a whopping great win for 'St. Theresa of May' will put her firmly in charge of her own party.  I hope, nay, I pray, that she will take full advantage of her new found power and kick out some of the deadbeat cabinet ministers that 'Dim Dave' left her, starting with the gormless prat who runs the Treasury and who made a total cock-up of the budget.

All in all, by and large and taken in the round, I think a very large, celebratory Calvados is in order but will someone tell 'The Donald' to hold off the war with 'Fat Boy Kim' until after June 8th!

 

 

Just for Big Henry

As I indicated earlier, the entire holiday weekend was a big, fat waste of time because 'Classic FM' were playing their way through the 300 top pieces of classical music as voted for by their zillions of listeners.  'Big Henry' was rather grumpy because none of Ludwig's magnificos made it into the top three but if it's any consolation he had three in the top ten: No.9 and No. 6 were 8th and 7th respectively and the 5th piano concerto was, rather appropriately 5th .  The No. 7 came in at 18th but to my own irritation the 5th symphony, the greatest piece of music ever written in my humble opinion, only made it to 31 on the chart.

Anyway, the top three were exactly the same as last year:

3:  Fantasia on a theme by Thomas Tallis:  Ralf Vaughan Williams

2:  Piano concerto #2 by Sergei Rachmaninov

1:   Lark Ascending by Ralf Vaughan Williams

And yes, you are quite right, Henry, that most of the voters are English but according to Classic FM they receive huge numbers of votes from all over America, too.  Personally, I think Edward Elgar's Cello Concerto deserves to be up there in the top three but he only made it to #11.

You can peruse the entire chart here:

http://halloffame.classicfm.com/2017/

 

A blast from the past

Now here's an item from 'ye olde curiosity shoppe'.  The drop dead handsome bloke on the right is, er, well, me, actually and the photo was taken circa 1960.  The plonker on the left is 'SoD' and his picture was taken circa 1989.  A few years ago, thanks to my old friend, clever Richard, ex-Airborne himself and a regular commenter on this blog, he was able to merge the two photos, a copy of which hangs on the wall up here in my eyrie.

 

 

Anyway, the point of showing it to you all is that Lawrence, accompanied by his best mate, Simon (a second-hand car dealer so I hope Lawrence double checks his 'chute!), are both undertaking tandem free-fall jumps for charity.  You can read all about it here:

 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/si-and-loz-skydive

 

If you are able, please donate what you can spare to their chosen charity Parity for Disabled which is a small, local charity based near Camberley.

 

Finally, one last favour I beg of you all - for God's sake don't tip his mother off that he's doing a jump, she'll give me - and him - HELL!

 

 

 

 

 

There goes the holiday weekend!

During this idle Holiday Monday I had planned to write something piercingly intelligent and memorable such as my solution to the 'Fat Boy Kim' problem, or perhaps an explanation of the consciousness enigma, or even the square root of -1. 

But, bugger it, I forgot that today is the last day of Classic FM's Hall of Fame which has now reached the last 60-odd pieces of favourite classic music chosen by their listeners.  Consequently there is nothing but drop-dead gorgeous music from now until 10.00pm and every time I try and write something I have to stop and have an orgasm, er, well, as near to an orgasm as I can mange these days - and I heard that!  We've just had some splendid 'Pomp and Circumstance' from that most English of composers, Sir Edward Elgar.  Obviously it meant that I had to stand to attention which ruins my typing!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 17.4.17

Yes, bright and early for a change!

This first one is a warning to my fishing pal, Whitewall, and a warning to all of you on the double duplicity of wives everywhere!

_{A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up - oh and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "}  

_{The wife thinks this sounds a bit “fishy” but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.}  

_{The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.}   

_{The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?} 

_{He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"} 

_{You'll love the answer...}  

_{The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."}

_{:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year.  And every year Ed would say, Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.  Norma always replied, "I know Ed but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"}

_{One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm  75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."}

_{The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."}

_{Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"}

_{Ed replied," Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"}

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{To Become A Doctor}

_{When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.  One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.}

_{Those who answered spine are doctors today.}

_{The rest of us are sending jokes via email.}

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less.} 

_{One day 'little sister' called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.}

_{Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.} 

_{I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car.}  

_{Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'} 

_{And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.}

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 16.4.17

This morning's sermon from the attic:   After this I promise not raise the subject of religion about which I know even less than any of the other topics on which I 'Bore for Britain'!  However, Mr. Rob Dreher's book, to which I referred a couple of posts below, which advocated a return to a St. Benedict tradition of Christian withdrawal from an irreligious society, is the subject of a long essay at the NRO which is worth reading.  I will also add, of course, that where 'The Speccie' leads others do follow so take out your subscription now!

 

A warning!   We have a friend coming to lunch today so I may be called up for domestic duties and 'Sunday rumbling' may be intermittent.  (And of course, it's the Bahrein Grand Prix at 4.00pm - jes' sayin'!)

 

Kelvin takes on the 'Scousers' - again!   What is it with Liverpool these days?  The 'Scousers' I knew back in my army days were tough, resilient and humorous.  Today they come across as a bunch 'snowflakes'.  So that naughty Mr. Kelvin MacKenzie did what he is famous for doing, being rude and funny about everything and anyone - but especially 'Scousers'.  So what?  Having compared an Everton footie-player, Ross Barclay, to a gorilla it turns out that the lad concerned has a Nigerian grandfather - who knew? - and the London 'liberatti' have succumbed to mass hysteria screeching racism.

 Mr. Barclay is the, er, 'gorilla' on the right, so would you have known that his Grandfather was black?  No, nor me and certainly not Mr. MacKenzie.  Of course, the 'Scousers' will never forgive MacKenzie for stating in The Sun in the plainest terms possible that it was Liverpool fans who crushed to death nearly a hundred other Liverpool fans at Hillsborough.  It doesn't do to tell the truth these days.

 

Giggle time: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZV7qtCPsjg

 

May be gone, maybe not!   Dan Hodges at The Mail raises the possibility, in his view more of a probability, that once Brexit is achieved, Mrs. May will jack it in and go off to spend more time with her beloved Phillip.  She was 59 when she took office and according to sources she really is not enjoying it.  Let us hope that over the next 2-3 years she clears the Tory decks of some of the deadbeats.

 

 

No more rumbles  today

 

Now, about this religious-thingie . . .

As most of you know, I am best described as a small-c Christian.  In other words, I am 'Christian' by what I can only describe as religious osmosis!  I have never attended churches of any description except for what can at best be described as social reasons.  Of course, as a schoolboy of a certain era I was taught the basic, very basic, tenets of Christianity.  Even so, as I have written here before, I am a confirmed agnostic who neither believes nor disbelieves in any God of any sort.  It is, I think, a question way above my pay-grade!

Even so, and sort of continuing from my previous post, I do care very much about the state of Christianity because I know it has made a profound difference to the western world, not always good but then again not always bad!  If you doubt me then cast your eyes eastwards to those lands where Islam rules the roost.  It seems to me that the religion of Islam is rotten to the core.  For a start it sets up men against women.  The whole rotten edifice is based on the belief that men rule absolutely and women are slaves set on earth to serve without question or complaint.  In other words, it enshrines male dictatorship, and in the end, all dictators go mad!

Of course, Christianity has had, and still has, its fair share of swivel-eyed loonies, mostly men, but gradually and inexorably the teachings of Jesus Christ have sapped their strength.  Women have been set free.  Slaves have been set free. Fairness and decency may be constantly under pressure but still their flickering light shines out and, on occasions, still shame the wrong-doer and even guide the morally confused.  Alas, the various churches themselves often fall into disrepute but still, beneath the rot, those simple precepts of fundamental decency allegedly spoken by Jesus Christ survive and induce just enough people to hang on to a sense of right and wrong.  Long may it continue.

Here endeth the first, and from me, the last lesson!  (Waddya mean, 'Thank God?')

 

 

And the blessings of the Lord be upon, er, 'the Speccie' actually!

Yes indeed, because this week, to chime with Holy Easter, 'The Speccie' offers two opposite views on the future path for the Christian churches in these modern and increasingly irreligious times.  To open the batting, as it were, they have an essay from Rod Dreher, an American journalist who was raised as a Methodist but switched to Roman Catholicism but then, following the paedophile scandal 'over there', he switched again, this time to Eastern Orthodoxy.  So, a man well-steeped in religious matters.

In his article, Dreher faces up to the uncomfortable fact that the Christian church is fast becoming irrelevant in the modern world.  To be a practicing Christian today is to be part of a small, and shrinking, minority.  There is now a very real possibility that Christianity will simply disappear.  All the efforts over recent years by Churchmen and women to make their beliefs more acceptable and modern and 'with it' have made no difference:

The collapse of religion in Britain has been perhaps the most striking feature of the last generation. The sheer pace of the decline has been recorded by Damian Thompson in this magazine: church pews are emptying at the rate of 10,000 people per week. In 1983, some 40 per cent of the population declared itself Anglican. Now, it’s 17 per cent. To be a practising Christian in the West now is to belong to a minority.

This is not the first time that this shrinkage has occurred.  After the fall of the Roman Empire, the 6th century saw a similar contraction occur and it fell to St. Benedict to offer a solution.  He began the monastic movement in which true believers detached themselves from ordinary society and formed their own separate communities in order to follow their precepts and, hopefully, to act as an example to others.  The monastic movement spread rapidly all across Europe and provided a base for Christianity when, eventually, the desire for a Christian society returned.  Dreher thinks that a similar movement is required now.

True to 'Speccie' principles, an exactly opposite opinion is offered by Matthew Parris who might stand as a primus inter pares example of modern, western man who picks and chooses which bits of Christian belief he is prepared to accept. 

Like many atheists, agnostics  and searchers, I find myself rather drawn to a church that, however fitfully, seems to be trying to stay open to ideas, differences and influences outside.

He recognises that in certain areas the Church has led the way but that in others it has lagged and dragged but, in any event, he insists that the Church must remain tied to the society in which it exists with each exerting a 'push-me-pull-you' on the other:

Connecting a religion and the culture within which it lives, the metaphor of a length of elastic is illuminating. The two may diverge, but each exerts a pull on the other. In its long, turbulent history, the church has sometimes run ahead of secular culture, sometimes lagged behind. It has a proud record in questions such as the abolition of slavery; in education, welfare and prison reform it has sometimes lit the way. On overseas aid and concern for the homeless, the church has led where secular society first looked away.

On the other hand, the church has had a chronically difficult relationship with the advancement of science, and, in recent centuries, has had to be dragged reluctantly to a recognition that religion is not the seat of learning about the material world. Wherever sex or gender are involved, the church has tended to lag a good few paces behind the rest of society.

You can read both sides of the debate and then, of course, you can take out a subscription to the world's 'oldest and bestest' weekly magazine!  I may return to this subject later - you have been warned!

 

https://www.spectator.co.uk/2017/04/the-benedict-option/?utm_source=Adestra&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20170415_Weekly_Highlights_15_SUBS

 

https://www.spectator.co.uk/2017/04/why-i-admire-the-church-of-england/?utm_source=Adestra&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20170415_Weekly_Highlights_15_SUBS

 

 

He, she or it?

Now, before I begin, Gentlemen, I want you to cross your legs and 'man-up'!  This is a tricky story to tell, in fact, you might call it a 'tricky dicky' story!  It concerns Mr. oooops, sorry, Miss - or should that be Ms? - Bruce, or Caitlyn, you choose - Jenner.  He - or she - is a true man, or woman, of our age!  (Now look, I did warn you this would be complicated so just concentrate!) 

Let me start at the beginning which is always a useful place to start, I find.  Mr. Bruce Jenner was a true He-man of all He-men and has a medal to prove it because he won the men's decathlon at the Olympics in 1976 and the decathlon, 'as any fule do no', is the greatest of all athletic tests.  He then, quite reasonably, went on to wring as much dosh as he could from his celebrity status and the fact that he was dead handsome helped enormously.  Also, he went on over the next few years to marry three gorgeous ladies by whom he produced a plethora of children.  Boy, what a man, er, well, sort of!

However, a few decades later - now how can I put this delicately? - he began to doubt himself and became convinced that beneath all those muscles and despite all that testosterone hurtling round his body, he was really a lady - yeeeeeeees, quite! Anyway, soon after a change came over him, or her:

 

Well, each to his own and I suppose it's quite nice when gentlemen give up their seats to you in a crowded train.  However, whilst the 'upper works', so to speak, were fairly easily obtained courtesy, no doubt, of 'Big Pharma', there was always the irritation of that 'appendage-thingie'!  It posed a real problem, particularly, I suppose, if it became over-excited.  Anyway, that is now no longer a problem for a real He-man - ooops, sorry but you know what I mean! - like good ol' Bruce, dammit, I mean Caitlyn.  He, sorry, I mean she, has now undergone 'the unkindest cut of all' and the appendage is no more!  Such a relief for all concerned.

And yes, you are quite right, it's a funny old world!

https://pjmedia.com/lifestyle/2017/04/11/welp-he-did-it-caitlyn-jenner-finally-cut-it-off/

  

 

 

Mon Dieu, quelle horreure!

He is a shocker, that 'A E-P' in The Telegraph, by which I mean that he's always shocking the pants off me with his columns.  After reading his column today I needed a black coffee and a large Calvados!  Only a few days ago I wrote a post, in which I admitted to being in a state of total ambivalence over the forthcoming French election, that whilst I wanted Mde. Le Pen to win and then tip over the European juggernaut, I was worried that in doing so she would tip over La France as well, and that I did not want.  Today, 'A E-P' paints an even more horrifing picture.

According to 'The Gloomster', all the middling candidates are showing signs of weakness in the polls but, even worse, the extreme Left-wing candidate, Jean-Luc Mélenchon, a man who makes 'Jezza' look fairly sensible, is showing signs of growing support.  The situation is summed up thus:

"Absolute catastrophe. Mélenchon is the Venezuela scenario, Le Pen is the Argentine scenario," warns Pierre Gattaz, head of the French employers' federation MEDEF.

It is a classic example of the truth that politics does not stretch in a straight line from Right to Left but is a circle on which the extreme Right and Left hold hands on one point of the circumference.  In this particular instance, according to 'A E-P':

Both candidates are anti-German, anti-American, anti-globalist, anti-NATO, and pro-Putin. Both want to rip up the EU Treaties. Both want some sort of parallel currency or sovereign monetary control.

Both are viscerally hostile to financial markets and to liberal labour reform. Both want a bigger French state financed by borrowing, and damn the deficit. The ideologies merge. 'Les extrêmes se touchent', as the French say.

Of course, so far there are only indications in the polls, and we all know how much reliance can be placed on them but even so, it's enough to make one gulp.  Perhaps I'll have another Calvados!

ADDITIONAL:   A very interesting piece at The Coffee House this morning by Jonathan Miller who, despite his anglophile name, is an elected municipal councillor in France.  In effect, he reckons anything is possible in this election.  Worth reading.

 

West, East or North?

That is the question dominating the minds of the British wartime leadership in 1914/15.  Yes, as you will have guessed, I am already into "Churchill and the Dardanelles" by Christopher M. Bell  and I am well and truly hooked!  The fundamental problem which was both cruel and intensely frustrating is summed up in a simple fact I have mentioned before on this blog - the impossibility of moving infantry soldiers made up of flesh and soft tissue across several hundred yards of open ground against quick firing artillery and machine-guns firing 600 rounds per minute.  By September 1914 the trench-lines which were to run from the Channel to Switzerland ha already begun and the result would be bloody stasis for years.

Almost the entire British leadership was forced to thrash around trying to find someway to circumnavigate this impassable block to progress and find a quicker route to victory.  In essence, the choice was to attack on the Western front despite the cost of blood, or to try, almost literally, to 'dodge the bullets' and attack Germany's main ally, Turkey in the East, or, as both Churchill and Jacky Fisher were keen to do, to use the navy to attack Germany in the North Sea.  Churchill was desperately keen to capture a German island off Jutland and use it as a base for operations in an effort to winkle out the German fleet from their harbour in Willemshaven.  Fisher was equally determined to force an entry into the Baltic and land troops in north Germany.

Needless to say, the objections, and risks, to all these schemes were enormous but no-one, least of all Churchill, was prepared to sit back and let the slow but steady strangulation of Germany by means of our naval blockade take its toll.  Admittedly, the Germans had the equivalent of a drip feed via the neutral ports of Holland but even so, by 1917 they were beginning to feel the pain.  The motto of the High Command was the same then as it is today - 'just crack on'!  Of course, the French, much of whose country was under German control, would not have approved a waiting game.

So all in all, it was a terrible dilemma and personally I pity the Generals, Admirals and politicians who had to work their way through it.

 

 

Strictly speaking, 'pas mes affaires'

No, it's not my business but even so I was intrigued by an article by Michael Curtis in The American Thinker on the somewhat arcane subject of the wartime treatment of their Jews by the French authorities.  Even as I raise the subject I am uneasily aware that our own history has more than its fair share of blemishes, some of them painted blood red!  However, what is interesting about this particular French blot on its historical legacy is the re-action of its recent and current political leadership.

I am referring to 'Operation Vent printanier' (Operation spring wind) which took place in 1942 and during which the French authorities, political as well as bureaucratic, assisted the Germans in rounding up Jews and resulted in some 76,000 of them perishing in German concentration camps.  Mde. Marine le Pen has in the past made some brave efforts to distance herself from her Father's anti-Semitic utterances (for which he was punished by the French courts) but in the last few days she has been quoted on the subject of one part of this monstrous exercise, the Vel d'Hiv operation which refers to a particular sports stadium in which some 6,000 Jews were imprisoned prior to export to the camps in Germany.  She stated that "I don’t think France is responsible for Vel d'Hiv... I think that generally speaking if there are people responsible, it's those who were in power at the time. It's not France."

In saying that she echoes Francois Mitterand who used to send flowers to the grave of Marshal Petain and who insisted that it wasn't 'La France' which was responsible for the atrocity.  It's interesting that two other leading politicians, Chirac and Hollande, have faced up to the truth of the matter, in particular Pres. Hollande who said, "Vel d'Hiv was a crime committed in France, by France, against French values and principles".  Later, Mde. Le Pen attempted to soften her words but even so they were perhaps an unguarded slip of the tongue which perhaps indicate her true feelings.  In the meantime I spotted a headline somewhere today indicating that the French ultra-Leftist candidate, whom one might call 'le Jezza de France' has suddenly enjoyed a surge in the polls.  Sacre bleu!  Or perhaps that should read 'sacre rouge'!

 

 

Sorry, sorry, sorry - normal service will now be resumed

Alas and alack, woe is me, or rather, woe was me yesterday because I was hit with a bout of food poisoning during which I qualified as being able to vomit for Britain at the Olympics!  I'm not one to cast aspersions but I have mentioned before that the 'Memsahib' does seem to spend an inordinate amount of time watching Midsomer Murders, Miss Marple and just about every other murder mystery on the 'telly' and recently she has started taking notes  - yeeeeeeeees, quite!

Anyway, whilst I'm not 100% I do feel better today and I hope none of you were thrown into despair by a lack of Monday Funnies yesterday.

The Sunday Rumble: 9.4.17

Jolly Good Show!   Yes, I am delighted to report that that awfully decent British chap, Mr. Lewis Hamilton, held off that damned pushy Hun into second place at the Chinese Grand Prix.  Unfortunately, due to my falling out with my ex-best friend, Rupe, because of his exorbitant charges, I was unable to watch the race on TV this morning but the BBC did an excellent job via the radio commentary.  And for the third day running we have a cloudless, sunny morning - hoorah!

 

Sod's Law will strike!   Apropos my last remark above, I have just been sitting on my patio drinking my coffee (and it's only April, for God's sake!) and the 'Memsahib' remarked that the sunshine had brought out so many insects including some beautiful butterflies.  Being a miserable Brit, of course, I instantly responded by reminding her that next week temperatures will almost certainly plummet and rain, if not snow, will certainly fall and kill off all the insects.  She simply rolled her eyes which I think was very disrespectful!

 

"Churchill and the Dardenelles":   Just bought this book by Christopher M. Bell which has received rave reviews.  To be honest, I know very little of this campaign (or mega-cock-up, if you prefer) so I am looking forward to learning something.  I gather that the author had to hack his way through a jungle of myths and lies and distortions in order to reach some sort of balanced judgment as to who was to share the blame.  Mind you, there is some sardonic humour to be had from the fact that even a hundred years ago, 'fake news', spin and good, old-fashioned lying were still the weapons of first resort!  I will provide some further commentary as I work myself into the book.

 

Dan Hodges tells it the way it is:   If you are a member of the Labour party, either an MP, or a local party official, or just a card-carrying member, then you should resign the whip, tear up your card, cancel your membership and stop your payments to the party.  Why?  Because, in effect, and following the farrago of the anti-Semitic Ken Livingstone being let off with a caution, today's Labour party is no better than Oswald Mosley's Blackshirts.  Read it and weep!

 

And if one cold shower isn't enough, try this:   Peter Hitchens in The Mail re-enforces the fact that so far there is absolutely no 'proof positive' that Assad was responsible for the chemical attack that prompted 'The Donald' to loose off dozens of rockets.  In fact he goes further by emphasising that most of the information (I wouldn't call it 'news') emanates from the murderous rascals who control the locale where the 'attack' took place.  Does 'The Donald' know something we do not, I wonder?  Or did he just get out of bed on the wrong side again?

 

Oh no!  Now I will have to choose!   Dammit!  I have only read the introduction to the Dardanelles book I mentioned above and already it is clear that I will have to choose between two of my 'heroes'.  To be honest, I had forgotten that Jackie Fisher was First Sea Lord at the time and he is one of my all-time 'heroes' because he, almost single-handedly, succeeded in dragging the Royal Navy into the 20th century.  Now I learn that he and my other 'hero', Winston Churchill, were at daggers drawn over the Dardanelles fiasco and each spun furiously against the other.  Who to choose?  Better finish the book first, I suppose!

 

I almost forgot The Good News:   How could I have let this slip by without a comment and a bloody big 'HOORAH'!  Justice Gorsuch has made it on to the Supreme Court.  Now all we need is for Justice Ginsberg to catch a cold and retire and the Republicans can lock down a conservative majority on the court for decades to come.

 

No more rumbles

 

 

A slight, very slight, pause

Sorry about this but there will be a slight pause in the unstoppable flood of commentary from D&N - who said 'thank God'? - and it is due to two reasons.  First, today is the first day of Summer, or to put it another way, there is a large, bright, warm-thingie is the sky which, alas, has shown up all those weeds in my garden which I normally contrive to ignore when its cold and wet but cannot be ignored today, so I am outside, stripped to the waist and, as we used to say in the army, "I'm getting a bit of 'bronzey' in!" - I know, ladies, what an image but do try and control yourselves.  

Second, I am reliably informed that 'SoD' is paying us a visit today and his main task is to sort out my computer once and for all - yeeeees, quite!  Why do the famous last words of Capt. Oates come to mind, "I am just going outside and may be some time"?  But let's look on the bright side and maybe tomorrow all will be functioning well, er, including me!

See y'all later . . .

ADDITIONAL:   And, lo, 'SoD' laboured long and hard in the pastures of 'God' - er, that's me, by the way - but alas, due to the diabolical machinations of the Devil incarnate - er, that's Bill Gates by the way - Microsoft failed - at least, that's SoD's story and he's sticking to it!  Apparently we must await further and better developments.  So the bad news is that not much has improved on my computer-thingie but the good news is that I will be back tomorrow with my Sunday rumble - and I heard that!

 

 

Don't do it, Donald!

Before I make my main point, here's a question that is niggling away at the back of what passes for my mind.  Why is using gas as a weapon considered to be more evil than using high explosive?  I admit that I, too, find it repulsive but I can't quite work out why.  Anyway, the usual 'shlock-horror' news reports have followed Assad's decision to use it in an attack on his own Syrian people.  The other question that hovers is why?  It has provoked the 'The Donald' and, I would guess, 'Vlad the Impaler', too.  Where's the gain?

Two writers, Stephen and Shoshana Bryen, ponder the question at The American Thinker but come to no convincing explanation.  Assad's murderous attack came shortly after an American announcement that they were pulling back on confrontation with Assad in order to concentrate on their main aim of destroying ISIS.  The Bryens suggest that with American pressure off, Assad was fearful that 'Vlad' would ditch him and perhaps let his country "cantonize" into separate ethnic regions just so long as Russian bases were safeguarded.  In any event, Russian support for a separate Kurdish autonomy must have irked Assad enormously.

Now, Assad has provoked 'The Donald' into almost warlike fervour which will push 'Vlad' back into his arms.  At least, that's the theory, or one of the theories, to explain an act of seemingly total irrationality.  'The Donald' needs to think his response through very, very carefully which will not be easy considering his tendency to lose defence advisers at an almost weekly rate!  I can't help wondering if he is already pissed off with this politics lark which is already proving exceedingly tricky.  Yes, he enjoys the pomp and circumstance but for how long will he put up with the sheer intractability of the problems he faces?

 

 

Happy 450,000th birthday, Britain!

'Strewth, yet another of those creepy co-incidence-thingies!  Only yesterday (see below) I was busy offering sacrifices to the Gods for arranging that wonderful and critically crucial strip of water that keeps us, just, separate from mainland Europe.  Then today, I read in The Mail, that the first Brexit began 450,000 years ago.  It then took a few hundred thousand years more for the job to be completed - well, it always takes ages negotiating with those bloody Eurocrats! - but eventually the job was done. 

Now, whilst I set about finding some vestal virgins - never easy in modern Britain - to sacrifice to the Gods by way of gratitude, the rest of you can repeat after me:

_{This royal throne of kings, this scepter'd isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall,
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England,
This nurse, this teeming womb of royal kings,
Fear'd by their breed and famous by their birth,
Renowned for their deeds as far from home,
For Christian service and true chivalry,
As is the sepulchre in stubborn Jewry,
Of the world's ransom, blessed Mary's Son,
This land of such dear souls, this dear, dear land.}

 

Vive la France - no, really!

I really do like France.  I have some splendid memories of numerous visits to a whole variety of different locations 'just over there'.  Yes, from time to time historically they have 'kicked off on one' but then that is true of most European nations who, unlike us, have to exist cheek by jowl with their equally unpredictable neighbours.  Yet again I fall to my knees and offer up a prayer of thankfulness for that utterly invaluable 23-mile channel that just keeps us separate.

So, in the next few weeks, 'la France' faces an exceedingly tricky decision as to which of the unimpressive presidential candidates they will choose to run them for the next seven years.  I gather, because my expertise is exceedingly limited, that the 'Lefty' candidate makes 'Jezza' look rather statesman-like.  The 'Conservative' is a proven conman who helped himself to government expenses which he had not earned, I mean to say, you wouldn't find decent British Tory MPs doing that sort of thing - ooops, just remembered - right, well, moving on - the fact is that he doesn't stand a chance of winning.  That leaves a sort of political robot  called Macron, assembled, as I understand it, in the garage of some previous French presidents aided by some senior bureaucrats.  The fact that no-one knows anything about him is reckoned to be invaluable in the polling-booths.

Then there is the French equivalent of Lady Macbeth who, politically speaking, stuck a dagger in her 'dear, old dad' and took over his party.  I refer, of course, to Mde. Marin le Pen, a lady who makes 'The Donald' look a bit stuffy and staid!  From my point of view, she ought to be favourite because a win for her would destroy Europe, er, but unfortunately I suspect she would destroy 'la France' whilst doing it and I really do not want that to happen.

What can one say, except 'merde alors' and thank God the choice is not mine.

 

Is that it?

Provoked on another blog - yes, I failed to heed my Mum's warnings not to wander! - I thought I would check out how all that anthropogenic global warming is doing.  Not very well, as far as I can see!  Anthony Watts was kind enough to publish the latest Global Temperature Report yesterday.  It is based on far and away the most neutral and unimpaired temperature readings possible in that they emanate from satellites circling the earth and they are published verbatim with no interference from interested parties like those swivel-eyed global warming fanatics.  Anyway, the latest news is this:

Global climate trend since Nov. 16, 1978: +0.12 C per decade

Eh?  What?  Is that it, 0.12C per decade?  I thought we were all going to be fried in our beds!  At least, that's what that nice Mr. Obama (nearly) said.  And far from reducing all that nasty, evil CO2, today the Chinese are pumping it out in volumes that make the western industrial revolution seem like a fart in comparison.

Dammit, I had better hang on to those Long Johns of mine!

 

So then, Mr. Xi, waddyagonna do?

As 'The Donald' will learn - er, he will learn, will he not? - this political lark is a damn sight more complicated than a really complicated thing!  Poor Mr. Xi, the latter-day emperor of China, has two nutters to deal with as a matter of urgency.  First there is 'Fat Boy Kim' who is hell bent on wrecking his toy cupboard as well as his country and, if necessary, the world.  Then there is 'The Donald' who does totally unpredictable better than anyone.  Of course, if Mr. Xi was as clever as he likes to pretend he is behind his inscrutable mask, he would have arranged a quiet assassination of 'Fat Boy' years ago and saved himself and his country and everyone else a lot of bother.

Alas, I suspect that Mr. Xi is not quite as secure in his presidential office as he might hope.  His anti-American militarism no doubt pleases his General Staff who are almost certainly as stupid as most General Staffs throughout the ages, but letting a loon like 'Fat Boy' lead him by the nose is really dumb, and now that America is run by a man whose strategic decision-making is decided by which side of the bed he gets out from each morning leaves him in an all too real example of an 'unknown-unknown' situation!  The Chinese are tremendous businessmen and so it is certain that Mr. Xi understands that the Chinese economy is balanced on one leg and any sort of major global explosion will bring it crashing down.  If that happens, not only will the Generals be displeased but the 'People' (dread word!) will be incensed.

Er, have a nice day, y'all!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 3.4.17

A fine selection to start your weekly stint at the coalface, beginning with what might be called 'The Way of the World':

_{I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO!”.}

_{I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES."} 

_{I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON," BILL GATES SAID, "NO!”.} 

_{I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF WORLD BANK."  BILL GATES SAID, "OK"} 

_{I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.   HE SAID, "NO!"} 

_{I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW"  HE SAID, "OK"} 

_{THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS...} 

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

_{A vintage selection of one-liners:}

_{Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.}

_{…………………..}

_{I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.}

_{…………………..}

_{My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.}

_{…………………….}

_{Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.}

_{……………………}

_{I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.}

_{…………………….}

_{After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.}

_{……………………}

_{Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.}

_{…………………….}

_{Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.}

_{……………………}

_{ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!}

_{…………………….}

_{Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!   An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!} 

_{………………………}

_{Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.}

_{………………………}

_{A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? 'Granny replies, f%#k your pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!}

_{……………………….}

_{A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'}

_{………………………..}

_{Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!}

_{………………………..}

_{An elderly couple are attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'}

_{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

 

_{At a recent computer expo (COMDEX): Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."} 

_{In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:}

 

_{If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:}

1. _{For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.}
2. _{Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.} 
3. _{Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.}
4. _{Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.} 
5. _{Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.}
6. _{The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.} 
7. _{The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.} 
8. _{Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.}  
9. _{Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.}
10. _{You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.} 

_{:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;}

AN (ARKANSAS?) COWBOY & HIS BRAND-NEW BRIDE CHECK INTO A HOTEL FOR THEIR HONEYMOON. THE HUSBAND GOES TO THE FRONT DESK, & ASKS FOR A ROOM.

"THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION," HE INFORMS THE RECEPTIONIST.

"WE DONE GOT MARRIED TODAY, & WE NEED A GOOD ROOM WITH A STRONG BED."

THE RECEPTIONIST WINKS, & ASKS, "DO YOU WANT THE BRIDAL?"

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE, & THEN REPLIES, "NOPE, I GUESS NOT. I'LL JUST HOLD ON TO HER EARS UNTIL SHE GETS USED TO IT."

BACK TO WORK!

 

The Sunday Rumble: 2.4.17

Spring has sprung:   And to prove it, wearing my shorts and stripped to the waist I went and sat in the garden for all of 20 minutes!  I could see the curtains twitching as some of my elderly, lady neighbours took advantage in order to catch a glimpse of my body - insatiable, they are, insatiable!  Dammit, after a seemingly endless, wet, windy Winter it was such a tremendous pleasure to feel the sun on my body.  I am told that it is "A Good Thing" for old codgers like me to soak up as much sunshine as possible because it is the best way to ingest vitamin D which provides energy - and as the 'Memsahib' would tell you in strong terms, I am definitely lacking in energy!

 

More sun news:   I have mentioned before that over recent years I have become rather bored with all this AGW nonsense.  I am incapable of understanding the science but just one look at the eye-ball swivelling, mouth-dribbling, demented 'Greenies' who insist on moaning that we're all doomed is enough to convince me that man-made effects on the world's temperatures are minimal.  Anyway, finding the topic tedious I rarely visit that temple of proper scientific methodology 'What's Up With That' but this morning I took a quick look.  Happily, the host, Anthony Watts had an article reporting that some Swiss boffins were convinced that the activities of the sun had a direct bearing on our global temperatures.  Well - duh! - I thought, I've been saying that for years and I didn't even pass 'O'-level physics!  Anyway, as usual there was a comment trail of at least 230 but, happily, amongst them were several from Leif Svalgaard, an acerbic planetary swot whose usually brief and to the point comments crack me up even though I don't understand them.  I really like his style even though he has the temerity to disagree with my 'theory' that it's 'those bloody sunspots wot dunnit'!

 

Sometimes I worry about my e-pal Malcolm Pollack:   Normally he is a very amiable fellow, although on occasions his grumpiness can edge dangerously close to 'Warp Factor 9' - but then, if I lived in America these days I suspect I might get a bit curmudgeonly!  Anyway today I came across a fascinating post on his blog on the subject of how to build a pyramid of skulls - yeeeeeees, quite!

 A somewhat esoteric subject but when you think about the technicalities of piling up neatly some 70,000 skulls it becomes rather fascinating.  How you set about producing 70,000 skulls is a subject best avoided!

 

The 'Heffalump' injects some realism into the 'Remoaners':   Simon Heffer in The Telegraph has been doing his homework and quotes extensively from two reports issued by some economic swots on a realistic estimate of our future outside the EU.

A new Policy Exchange report by two Cambridge economists Graham Gudgin and Ken Coutts) and two from Ulster University (Neil Gibson and Jordan Buchanan) has interesting findings for those of us bored witless by the continuation of the idiotic Project Fear, the bouquet of lies used to try to bully us into voting Remain, which ended the political careers of David Cameron and trainee journalist George Osborne.

They remind us that the immediate forecasts of the Treasury, IMF and the OECD were, in order, wrong, wrong and wrong again!  What none of the 'scaredy cats' amongst the 'Remoaners' ever tell us is that ever since the euro was introduced, British exports have gone down, down, down.  Indeed, they fail to tell us that British exports to the EU will drop to more or less the same level in 2030 whether or not we Brexit!  In addition:

And, given new migration controls, the report concludes that “per capita GDP is predicted to be higher by 2030 as a result of Brexit as slightly less GDP is shared among a smaller population.”

Cue: chorus of wailing and much gnashing of teeth from the Remoaners!

 

A sign of the times, Mr. President:   So best not to ignore it!  As some of you know from the number of referrals I make to him, I much admire the proprietor of I Hate The Media.  He is the epitome of a crusty old conservative - now why would that appeal to me?  Anyway, it appears that after a mere 11 weeks in office, 'The Donald' has pissed him off 'yuuuugely'! Apparently, his favourite Congressman is under political assault from the Trump team for failing to support their own shambles of a medical scheme and which was 'designed'(!) to replace Obama's.  Not good politics, Don baby, to attack your own party members.

 

Feeling a bit sweaty, Mr. Assange?   To be honest, I didn't think they 'did' elections in South America but according to the WSJ, Ecuador is poised to elect a new 'el Presidento'.  The 'Leftie' candidate is called Lenin Moreno - yeeeees, quite! - and his opponent is Mr. Guillermo Lasso.  The former promises to protect Mr. Assange forever but Mr. Lasso says he will boot him out of the Ecuadorean embassy in London.  I think, Julian, you can expect a warm reception!

 

 

No more rumbles 

 

 

Humour still leaking from Britain

I warned you all the other day that there was a 'yuuuuge' humour outage in Britain and, alas, this being April Fool's Day I see no signs of improvement judging by some of the 'fake news' issued this morning.  The Mail did quite well with the 'wedding' of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle and I did manage a giggle at this picture:

Alas, I skimmed past the Telegraph's story of the polar bear being washed ashore in Scotland because of melting ice, merely pausing for a nano-second to wonder if the bear said to itself over the sound of bagpipes, 'Of all the shores in all the world, I hadda end up on this one!"

'The Graun' produced in me a slight smile when it 'reported' that George Osborne had a seventh job - as a fashion designer.  His, er, 'creations' were to be marketed under the name of 'Georgio!' but, in line with his image, they were mostly industrial, 'high-viz' jackets.

Quite a witty one from the frozen goods store, Iceland:

 

'Pink News' - no, I am not a subscriber - suggested that Britain was intending to 'Brexit' from the Eurovision Song Contest and I offered up a silent cheer - until I realised it was an April Fool joke.

So, not the funniest of April Fool's Days but I suppose that facing the prospect that for the rest of my life I will be reading about nothing else except our negotiations with les chers collègues, I suppose I must wring what humour I can from whatever source is to hand.