Always ready, willing and sort of able to do my duty and cheer you all up on this Monday morning, I slump here, clutching my hernia and attempt to tap out these hysterical 'jokes' - God I'm good!
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the side walk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop." Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K. Buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays”.
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A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began
to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy, "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money.
So that's exactly what I did."
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Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your Toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then lay the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
Right, that's your lot, my groin is twinging and twanging and, yes, I know that comes under the heading of 'Too Much Information'!
Well David, hopefully you can get that groin disappointment fixed later this week?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 10 July 2017 at 12:33
This week? You must be joking! This is the NHS, the, er, envy of the world!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 10 July 2017 at 12:54