What a relief to get off the subject of politics! Here is another fine selection of jokes, all in the worst possible taste, natch!
An elderly Queensland man on the Atherton Tablelands, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a big pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he got closer, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave.” The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the crocodile..."
Some old men can still think fast.
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With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal
experience with you, my friends, about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an
evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although
relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the
limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it
was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call!
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'! We missed the bloody 'R'!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was .... CELEBRATE".
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1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so
I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50 It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been
listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. My wife said we'd love to,
but I told them that our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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'What's in a name?'
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing across the room, alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen”.
“That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?”
She answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy most: cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.”
Then she asked, “What’s your name?”
He answered, “Bob Titsengolf.”
That's your lot, now get back to work!
Nice work!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 18 September 2017 at 12:13
As ever, Whiters, I am indebted to my 'little elves' who beaver away non-stop in the joke mines!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 18 September 2017 at 12:36