A definite touch of Autumn here this morning so I guess all you wage slaves will be immensely grateful for this fine selection of good humour - sorry, I didn't quite catch that!
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run in the U K . It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go….
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British National Party School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
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Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man it's 2.50/min (charges may vary).
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Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him London.
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's probably Spam.
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly
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An Australian ventriloquist who was visiting New Zealand walked into a small town and saw a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He thinks to himself that he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G'day. Mate mind if I talk to your dog?'
Local: 'The dog dusn't talk, yu shchupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog. How's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah. Doin' all right cuz.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this bloke your owner?' (pointing at the the Kiwi)
Dog: 'Yup'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good Bro. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse there?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse dusn't talk either...I thunk.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse. How's it going cuz?'
Horse: ‘OK'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the Kiwi)
Horse: 'Yup'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Prutty good end thunks for askin. He rides me regularly, brushes me down uften and keeps me en the shed to prutect me from the ulumunts.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) - ‘The sheep’s a liar..'
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The following selection is a little too close to home to be that funny but still . . .
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
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An old man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour, 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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That's your lot, I'm just off to find my zimmer frame and change my nappies!
"A little too close to home"...many more than you know!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 25 September 2017 at 12:15