A fine collection of absolute corkers to start your week with a smile - no, really!
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum...you still awake?'
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' by
James Cameron and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist..
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Positive Attitude ...
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
A guy was in a horrible accident. He finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. She spoke to
him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Back to work, here comes the boss . . .
Good ones!
"The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient."
When you go out in your robe, you first look up and down the street and seeing nothing and no one, you go. It is then that everyone shows up and more cars than you can recognize come by.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 23 October 2017 at 13:56