Your Monday Funnies: 16.10.17

I am a little pressed for time this morning because I have to drive an elderly relative to a hospital check-up so I was hoping it wasn't going to take me too long to rake through my In-box for all the jokes sent to me by my 'little elves' in the joke mine. Bingo, I open up and there are a whole list of jokes just in from Andra - consider yourself covered in kisses, my darling!

 

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,
"Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you
hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend,
he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him
all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving
what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the
rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife
right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's
shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—
my wife died two years ago!"

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Confucius Did Not Say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil in tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Really Did Not Say... 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the Gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? ”

“Oh no, nothing like that , ” he said. “No, no. I got out of prison.”

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A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father 

" Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" 

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

 The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!  She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

 "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" 

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

 The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

 "Well there you have it, son," said his dad,

"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

 

Thank you, Andra.

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Thanks Andra! These are good! You too David.

[Timbo]

Not your usual standard, Duffers.

Much much better!

[TheBigHenry]

Wood is not a tiger; he's a cheetah!

[Andra]

You're welcome.