You really don't need cheering up given that you have all had an extra hour in bed but never let it be said that D&N forgets its duty. Today I offer you a fine selection of one-liners all guaranteed to offend just about everyone:
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
Don't let the boss or the wife (there's a difference?) see these, you could be fired!
good ones!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 30 October 2017 at 11:06
Oh those are naughty ones! *laughing*
Posted by: missred | Monday, 30 October 2017 at 11:35
Sorry, Miss Red, but they did come with a government health warning!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 30 October 2017 at 12:52
The "so now you want me to stay!" is a great zinger.
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 30 October 2017 at 16:00