My Australian gnomes have been hard at it in the joke mine so here is a fine selection to start your week:
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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An ethical dilemma to start your day which I had great pleasure in passing on to my golf fanatic friends:
What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says:
"Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods:
"I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
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Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
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And now, some of Scotland's finest - yeeeeeeeeees, quite:
"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
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McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".
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You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."
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After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed -"Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
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As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."
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Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was carefully stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving out."
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McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.
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By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."
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MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied"Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."
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A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"
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It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.
That's it - enjoy your week!
That is the trouble with golf...ethics! Fishing has no such problems therefore I am ethical to a fault. Some fishermen I have met are the biggest liars on the planet.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 09 October 2017 at 12:17
Whiters, you need to conduct covert surveillance on your nearest fishmonger!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 09 October 2017 at 12:26
David,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the Scots use "Mac" and the Irish "Mc"?
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 09 October 2017 at 16:04
Not sure, Henry, I dinna speak the language!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 09 October 2017 at 17:42
No, TBH, only the lazy use Mc...or even worse M'
Either is correct and it is not the Irish Scottish thingy. Unless it is whisky.
Posted by: missred | Monday, 09 October 2017 at 18:40
Miss Red,
You are right:
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Tuesday, 10 October 2017 at 00:41