No, I haven't been pulling Xmas crackers early to nick the jokes but I am offering you a fine collection of (nearly) one-liners that will make you grin - or groan! Beginning with that great Chinese comic, er, Confucious, actually:
Confucius Say:
OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.
Better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Man with broken condom often called Daddy.
Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.
Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Viagra just like Disneyland ..... One hour wait for 2 - minute ride.
Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever..
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Woman who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Woman who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY . . .
Person who deletes this has no humour
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And now, a proper joke and please forgive the Aussie accent:
Stanley, died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer
hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and
fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley ."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two arse-holes."
"What! He had two arse-holes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two arse-holes."
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Federal Government. One is in Canberra as a Senator, and the other works as a private secretary for the Prime minister.
And one more because I'm feeling generous today:
Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighing heavily.
“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender.
“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse.
The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
Right, that's it, get back to work, I want some good production figures from all you wage slaves this week!
"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs"
I never fish in wells and never go crabbing!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 20 November 2017 at 12:57
OK, OK, Whiters, we believe you, really we do!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 20 November 2017 at 18:14
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
That's why a Tiger is really a cheetah.
Posted by: TheBigHenry | Monday, 20 November 2017 at 23:15