Your Monday Funnies: 18.12.17

Oooops, sorry, I forgot it was Monday - mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!  And the first one is exceedingly vulgar, albeit, rather funny.

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

 This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

 He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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I'm sure our mutual friend from Arkansas can verify the truth contained in this story:

 A young man from Arkansas went off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his  girlfriend, he called home.

"Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing, how do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000 and I can get him in the course." 

His Father sent the dog and $1,000.  About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again ran out. The boy called home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asked.

"Awesome!  Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!? No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" 

“Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." 

The money promptly arrived. The Arkie and his girlfriend were able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.  Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a lie for him. She had him shoot the dog.

When the young man arrived home at the end of the year, his Father was very excited. 

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" 

"Dad, I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually did.  Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The Father went white. "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!" 

"I sure did, Dad!" 

"That's my boy!" 

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville.  He became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States.

You already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be.

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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
 
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
 
"I got it from my genie."
 
"You have a genie," he asked?
 
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
 
"Could I see him?"
 
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.  The friend says, "Hey,
look - I'm a good friend of your master.  Will you grant me one wish?"
 
"Well ... okay," said the genie.  So he asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting.  Suddenly, the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks is heard flying overhead.
 
The friend screams to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
 
He answers, "Oh - I forgot to tell you ... the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

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Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel, 
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution .....!!!
 

That's your lot, get back to work!

 

 

Comments

[mike fowle]

You should be able to have next Monday off and the one after.

[JK]

Why David, I sure can.

That Arkansas lawyer ever since has been gettin' Ol' Blue's ashes hauled all over the whole damned planet ever since.

How's your'n "Ashes" doing?

[Whitewall]

Stand by for AussieD...

[AussieD]

I am loath to put merde upon the Poms about losing "The Ashes" as my generous and sympathetic character forbids such displays of arrogance - however in a mood of generosity let me say that you shouldn't send sheilas to play a man's game.

WE WON. WE WON!!!!!! TROUNCED THE F---ERS.

[Whitewall]

Told yah!

[AussieD]

G'day Whitewall,

Having survived Hannukah yet again let me wish a Merry Christmas to you and your family

[Whitewall]

AussieD,
Thank you sir! Blessings of the season to you and yours as well.