Sorry normal service was interrupted, alas, all due to an elderly relative, by which I mean even older than me, who had to be moved from a residential home to a care home. Fortunately, young, well, youngish, SoD stepped up to the mark and did most of the hard work. He's a good lad, really, if only he could stop going on and on and on about Brexit!
This first one has a familiar ring to it but it still made me smile:
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh bloody damn!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi' Jesus… I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....'
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'damn it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more..
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard but discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
Not a lot of people know this . . .
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An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired gruff Marine Corp Sergeant-Major of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for
coffee. While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill
by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm takin' a crap. Please advise."
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Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer on September 9, 1850?
California became a state!
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically NOTHING has changed except, then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today!
*a round of applause*
Posted by: missred | Tuesday, 12 December 2017 at 00:27
Missred,
I didn't need counseling like some, but just in case my wife put away all sharp objects.
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 12 December 2017 at 03:24
Testing
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 12 December 2017 at 08:47
You Passed!
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 12 December 2017 at 11:24