Another Monday and another week at the coal face for all you wage slaves but these should cheer you up - no, really! Frankly I don't understand the first one.
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that this morning, the snow is nearly waist high and the temperature is 30 below zero, with the north wind blowing near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for the last ten minutes and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my
husband's home early!'
‘I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied,
'he's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain,he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others; about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air, ' it feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side, ' Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly, 'that way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope, just when it's raining.'
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Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but while standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
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This will no doubt have AussieD and Andra in fits of laughter but personally I don't get it!!
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my knickers, then he dropped his pants and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English cricketer."
"That's very observant" said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
That's your lot!
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