As this 'Septic Isle' freezes under all that 'Rooskie' arctic weather, here are some warm and cuddly 'funnies' to cheer you up!
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman,
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said,
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’
The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
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The Pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the desk to check in.
The clerk said" I don't believe it - it's Elvis Presley!"
The Pope replied," No, no - it's me the Pope. See my white robes?"
The clerk said," Oh yes, I see, sorry." and gave him his keys.
The bellboy came over to get the Pope's bags and said "Oh my God - it's Elvis Presley, I don't believe it. I just *knew* you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said," No, no, my son - I'm the Pope, God's rep on earth. See my pointed hat and white robes?"
"Oh yes - I see," said the bellboy, and took his bags up to the Pope's
room.
When the Pope got to his room and opened his door he saw a stunning, naked lady laying on his bed. She gazed at the Pope for a brief moment and then screamed, "Elvis Presley ... it's Elvis Presley!"
The Pope replied: "Well, a one for the money, a two for the show ...
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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, smiling and gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, um, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek and then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' noo, perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
And he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, ah, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, took his hand and put it on her knee and he blushed.
Once again, the two turned to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke softly. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said,"Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
That's your lot but, see, you're feeling warmer already!
"Thank ya, thank ya very much"!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 26 February 2018 at 12:36
Good crop there, DD.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 26 February 2018 at 20:14