Not that any of you wage-slaves deserve any 'funnies' today, given that you're all lazing about at home on a Bank Holiday! This first one will make you groan!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.
When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros,
and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the Chief," What are you going to do with all that money?
"Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fecking truck!"
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Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a real education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing, you were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"No."
"Then you're a poofter."
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir?
‘We have - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie and Skater Barbie, all of which cost $19.95 each and we also have Divorced Barbie, for $265.95’.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: 'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it’.
That's your lot, you can roll over and go back to sleep now!
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