Your Monday Funnies: 20.8.18

Bright and early with the 'funnies' this morning, well, early-ish!

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own
airfares.'

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Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt.. Who the f*** misses a one-foot putt?

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Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, So he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.'

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I have 18 irrefutable Laws of the Universe and I will feed them to you three at a time over the coming weeks:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.

2.Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.

3.Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Right, back to work, the boss is coming!

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Speaking of "back to work"...I'm told that these are good for morale:

Six Phases of a Project:
Enthusiaism

Dissillusionment

Panic

Search for the guilty

Punishment of the innocent

Praise and honors for the non-participants

[David Duff]

Sounds more like 'Whitehall' than 'Whitewall'!

[Whitewall]

:)) !