Your (late) Monday Funnies: 17.9.18

I know, I know, all over the world offices and factories are grinding to a halt because the Monday Funnies are late - again!  Sorry, sorry but this morning it has been hell here, sheer hell, I tell you, but never mind because, thanks to my little elves beavering away in the joke mine, I have some A1 side-splitters for you:

A cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me. "

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said , "Go down into that valley ."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the River ."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill ......"

Adam said,  "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave ."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce ."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well .

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily , "What is it now ?"

And Adam said.... "What's a headache?"

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This one is specially for 'Whiters':

Thinking back a year, living in North Carolina, I remember Hurricane Irma. I was ready for it but my wife was not.  When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing tiles and destroyed lanais, as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot. She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever. Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.

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And so is this!

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

 

That's y0ur lot, 's.w.m.b.o.' has another list of jobs for me to do!

 

 

Comments

[BuckoTheMoose]

Rather than keep apologising for the funnies being late, why not just change the scheduled time? :-)

[Whitewall]

Why thank you David! That is the purpose of the eye in the hurricane...that brief calm to let out what's needed and let in what you might as well!

About that fisherman, I know a couple of fellows like him. Slow minded.

[David Duff]

Now look here, Bucko, that sort of common-sense is not the sort of thing we encourage here at D&N!

[JK]

Ahoy AussieD!

Aussie sailors appreciate neat ships as much as Yank sailors?

http://www.thedrive.com/the-war-zone/23607/the-striking-and-fast-superyacht-yaz-was-born-from-a-40-year-old-dutch-frigates-hull

I'll go a'bit out on a plank here an' guess "Yep."

[AussieD]

G'day JK,

Spot on. Ship/hull design I have found to be a favourite topic of discussion among sailors of most nationalities and I have had some very pleasant extended discussions over ship design with RN, RNZN, RAN and USN sailors of the years.

That is one very neat conversion of what was an attractive man-o-war into a neat private yacht. Unfortunately a bit over what I could afford.

You are safe on that plank.

[BuckoTheMoose]

Sorry :-)