Your Monday Funnies: 8.10.18

Yes, I know, a bit late but do stop 'going on'!  And no prizes for guessing who sent this one in!

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness, as the
two men considered their circumstances

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret, whose wish it was that had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said,

"Nice going Dickhead! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

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And here is a pictorial 'funny' entitled "How To Take a Dating Profile Picture":

 

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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.  As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my 'seeing-eye' dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a 'seeing-eye' dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

 "A Chihuahua ?  They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

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A CALIFORNIAN LOVE STORY

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend after having enjoyed great sex.  She spent the next hour just gently massaging his testicles because this was just something she loved to do.  As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and asked, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

She replied, "Because I really do miss mine!"

Well I told you this was a Californian love story!

 

That's it, now get back to work and give us retirees a bit of peace!

 

 

 

Comments

[Andra]

Are Aussies the only people who have jokes??

[David Duff]

No, Andra, but the Jews charge too much money for them!

[Whitewall]

Andra, we have many millions of jokes here in the US!

[AussieD]

the Jews charge too much money for them

Ahem. When was the last time I sent you an account for a joke? Just asking.

[David Duff]

Oh hell, AussieD, if you send me a bill for all the jokes you provide my debt will exceed our national debt!

[AussieD]

No bill. I am the antithesis of the theory.

[JK]

http://www.thedrive.com/the-war-zone/24041/cinema-aero-these-are-the-aviation-videos-you-absolutely-must-watch-from-the-last-week

What can I say ...