Your 'Ho-Ho-Ho' Xmas Eve Funnies

For all those like me who can't stand all this Xmas crap, here is something to cheer you up - and, no, that is not 'JK' on his bike - behave!

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

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Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Q: What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
A: Bi-Polar.

Q: What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
A: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.  Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

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Finally, a particularly dry one from one of my favourite poets:

'Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!'    Ogden Nash

 

To be serious for a moment, I do wish all of you a splendid and enjoyable Christmas - no, really - I mean it - honest - would I lie to you?

 

 

Comments

[AussieD]

Shalom Duffers.

Just think of it as a birthday party for one of my lot.

I'm not into political correctness or considering the feelings of "Hairies" so have a Merry Christmas all.

[Whitewall]

Thank you AussieD. Merry Christmas to everyone as well.

[Uncle Mort]

Or as Theresa May might whisper "Merry Christmas hardly anybody".

Have a Merry Christmas and a healthy New Year.

[Bob]

Happy Solstice, return of light, and New Year.

[JK]

http://theferalirishman.blogspot.com/2018/12/ho-ho-ho.html

[JK]

https://dailytimewaster.blogspot.com/2017/12/someone-spiked-santas-nog.html

(He's fine. Or will be once the second surgical swelling goes down.)

[Scrobs...]

An odd thing happened to me on the way to the forum...

Last evening, after a few whisky-flavoured comestibles, I dozed off, and the assembled family popped off to bed, leaving me in peace by the open fire.

And I awoke at 1:00am, feeling great, with the small, snoring dog by my side, so for the first time ever, I've already awoken twice to Christmas, and now, with a gallon of tea, I'm ready to start all over again!

If, as expected, I have a post-prandial inspection of the eyelids around 3:00pm, I will make the record of three awakenings, which somehow seems religious, but is probably going to be down to a few more of those amber nectars...

Goodness knows what will happen this evening, if I doze off after the awful BBC offerings, as it could well be four...

[Whitewall]

Scrobs...
you lead an interesting life I take it?

[ortega]

¡Feliz Navidad!

[David Duff]

Muchas gracias, Ortega.