Beginning with a corker!
"Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun....'
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
That's it, get back to work!
David, it's obvious today is your last encounter with the 'death ray'. These are good!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 11 February 2019 at 11:47
I can claim no credit, Whiters, it's all down to my little elves beavering away in the joke mine!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 11 February 2019 at 14:09
"Everyone deals with breakups differently — and for some, that might include naming their ex after a fish before it's fed to brown bears."
https://www.foxnews.com/great-outdoors/oregon-wildlife-centers-valentines-day-promotion-lets-you-name-a-salmon-after-your-ex-before-its-fed-to-bears
***
http://www.encyclopediaofarkansas.net/encyclopedia/entry-detail.aspx?entryID=3827
About that last link - anybody out there got any of Virginia's top elected officials' email addresses? I just got notified my name was drawn to head the hunt for a speaker to that event. I'm thinking it'd be the perfect fit.
Posted by: JK | Monday, 11 February 2019 at 21:14
JK,
In my world, any salmon or fish of any type has only one name..."mine".
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 11 February 2019 at 22:04