DUFF & NONSENSE!

Not so much the 'Sunday Rumble', more the 'Sunday Grumble'!

Dammit, all the clocks have gone haywire again so I'm running an hour late and we're due out for an early lunch with friends so what passes for normal service here will not resume until this afternoon - and don't ask me what time this afternoon!

ADDITIONAL:  Alas, 'I lunched not wisely but too well'!  Consequently, I now need to rise up to the seventh level of inner awareness, something we strictly orthodox Buddhists do on a Sunday afternoon!

 

Dammit, (Sir) Lewis, you spoiled my headline!   Before I fell asleep rose up to the seventh level of inner awareness, I heard that some, unknown, French lad, Charles Leclerc, was leading the Bahrein Grand Prix!  I was shocked, I tell you, shocked but then I thought what a great headline it would make for my post on the subject - "Charles who . . . ?"  Happily, (Sir) Lewis put matters right by taking the lead a few laps from the end.  Poor old Vettel crashed - again.  Ohdearwhatapitynevermind!

 

Ukrainian Presidential election:  Apparently, the leader after the first round is a comedian.  Nice to know that British habits are reaching Eastern Europe!

 

No more rumbles today

 

 

Well, I will not be grieving for Grieve!

So the 'firing squad' has been formed up prior, one hopes, to the execution of Mr. Dominic Grieve MP.  His constituency party members have voted 182 - 131 that they no longer have confidence in him.  There will be further moves afoot before, one hopes, they level their 'rifles' and despatch him!  I have no animus against him for being a 'Remainer', he is as entitled to his opinion as I am to mine.  However, he was one of the several hundred MPs who voted in favour of holding a Referendum and who promised that 'the will of the people' would be upheld.

 

In his own words, "the decision of the electorate in the Referendum must be respected and that I should support a reasoned process to give effect to it".  Ever since then he has used every trick in the book to subvert 'the will of the people' and oppose Brexit.  Or to put it simply and clearly, he lied!  If his constituency party members deselect him it will help detoxify the House of Commons.

 

 

What an incredible lady!

I refer to the late and exceedingly brave, Virginia Hall, of whom, hitherto, I knew nothing.  She features in a book review in this week's Spectator.  American by birth, in 1933 she accidentally shot herself in the leg with a shotgun which resulted in a partial amputation of her left leg.  She named her prosthetic 'Cuthbert'! Alas, she found herself in Paris when the Germans invaded.  She made her way London and promptly volunteered for service with the SOE who sent her back into France as an agent.  She recruited enormous numbers of people to form intelligence networks and also helped in the escape of several incarcerated agents.  By September 1942 she was being hunted by the Germans and was forced to make her escape into Spain which involved an enormous hike over the Pyrenees:

One evening, having tended to her bloodied stump, she finally mentioned her discomfort to London by wireless. ‘If Cuthbert is tiresome,’ the uncomprehending reply came back, ‘have him eliminated.’

Back in London she transferred to the OSS and was then returned to France where she commanded some 400 French resistance fighters in the run-up to D-Day.  After the war, she married a fellow OSS agent and worked for the CIA.  She was awarded an MBE by Britain, a Croix de Guerre by France and the Distinguished Service Cross by America - the only civilian woman to be so awarded during WWII.

What a lady!

A Woman of No Importance: The Untold Story of Virginia Hall, WW2’s Most Dangerous Spy by Sonia Purnell

 

 

Er, Houston, we have a problem!

Grovelling apologies to many of you for the post below which consisted simply of a photo taken from the amusing, spoof film made to introduce the opening of the Olympics in Britain.  It shows a stony-faced 'James Bond' following 'Her Maj' down a corridor in Buckingham Palace.  He is 'saying', "All of Parliament, Ma'am?" and she replies, "Yes, the bloody lot!"

Sorry if it failed to appear on your screens - it did on mine - but perhaps it's because you lack the very sophisticated, latest 'whizzy-do' technology which drives my, er, 15-year old, purpose-built computer.  Y'all really do need to keep up with things!

This sums it up!

My thanks to 'Miss Reddipenni'

 

 

 

 

Who do I think should succeed Mrs. May as Prime Minister?

Er, well . . .  of course . . . on the one hand . . . obviously . . . there's . . . but on the other hand . . .  and we mustn't forget old . . . but then again . . . bearing in mind . . . and all that sort of thing . . . to say nothing of dear old . . . but then remembering . . . so perhaps . . . or there again, perhaps not . . . we really should keep clear in our minds . . . er, despite the confusion . . . the considerable merits, er, you know . . . well, sort of . . . whilst carefully weighing the pros . . .  but not forgetting the cons  . . . there's always good old . .  dammit, what's his name? . . . to say nothing of the merits of . . . er, well, perhaps not . . . but even so . . . and summing it all up . . .

Do I give a flying fig for any of them?

 

ADDITIONAL:  Actually, I do and my choice would be Dominic Raab but his chances are about equal to that of the mythical snowball in hell!

 

And so it goes on and on and on . . .

So, our 'representatives' spent all day yesterday and failed to agree on anything including the time even with Big Ben bonging away above them!  Why am I not surprised?  Even so this long-winded farrago has opened our eyes to some truths.  For example, there can now be no doubt now that John Bercow is an obnoxious, pompous, little rat with an ego the size of Everest.  The quicker his is deposed the better and one hopes that in future MPs will take more care in choosing a Speaker to control their affairs.

Also, it is confirmed, not that there was much doubt about it, that Mrs. May is utterly useless.  Again, it behoves Conservative MPs to think very carefully before they appoint their next leader given that their last choice has left them 'up shit creek without a paddle'!  I can't even begin to guess what future the Conservative party has after this debacle.  However, I can visualise exactly what future we will suffer if Corbyn's Marxist Labour party seizes power - "The horror, oh, the horror!"

In the meantime, the 'Big Brothers' in Brussels continue to ram through their nefarious stratagems which have but a single aim - the installation of a European dictatorship.  Yesterday they tricked their way through the EU parliamentary voting system by altering at the last moment the voting schedule in order to ensure that two measures were passed.  The first set the foundations for them to seize control of the internet and the second was to introduce a legal requirement for all cars to be fitted with electronic systems which will, amongst other things, allow them to know exactly and precisely when and where you drive your car.

Oh, brave new world!

 

 

The majority of the American media is 'stoopid'!

How to  describe the embarrassment for the disreputable American media who, since 2016 have run a non-stop hysterical lynching party against Donald Trump?  You expect amateurish, unprofessional activities from Prime Ministers and Presidents, after all, they're just 'slick Willies' who slithered into positions of power with very little idea of actually how to run a country sensibly.  Thus, they are nearly always an easy target for journalists who are, in effect, merely the equivalent of theatre critics, that is, scribblers with opinions of their own but not necessarily much in the way of knowledge or intelligence.

Even so, the mass hysteria on the part of most of the American media when faced with the gob-smacking surprise of the defeat of that wretched woman to whom they had virtually granted sainthood by a ghastly-looking property dealer and TV personality sent most of them mad.  In their state of psychosis, forgetting all standards of professionalism which still, just, exist in remote corners of American journalism, they swallowed hook, line and sinker the yarn that the dreadful man in the White House only stole their election with the assistance of 'Vlad the Impaler'.

With what joy and exultation they did receive the news that 'Iron Man' Mueller would be given, dare I say, 'yuuuuuuuge' powers to pursue the truth of this obviously villainous fact.  Never bothering to wait for actual evidence and for a clinching summary of Trump's obvious villainy, they went on, and on, and on, and then on some more whilst dribbling ecstatically at the dire punishment which would be inflicted on this cheating reprobate.  Night after night, day after day, month after month, year after year their salivating excitement grew - until Mueller stuck his pin in their great gaseous balloon and it emitted - a long fart!  In the traditional words of a British bobby, "Nothing to see 'ere, move along!" 

Below, I give you the perfect picture of Ms. Rachel Maddow, one of the TV leaders of the media lynching party who may now be forced to swing from her own rope.  Her expression of totally 'stoopid' incomprehension sums up the whole madness.

 

 

Will they learn from this fiasco?  Almost certainly not but maybe, just maybe, their bosses will as viewing and circulation figures slump!

 

 

 

He has my sympathy

In a somewhat anguished piece in The Mail today, Jacob Rees-Mogg admits that he will be forced to vote for Mrs. May's pathetic version of (non)Brexit.  Unlike the majority of his fellow Parliamentarians, he is both a thoughtful and an honourable man and it must be excruciatingly painful for him to be prodded at bayonet point into the 'Aye' lobby - but needs must!  The sensible 'no deal' Brexit is dead and gone and the Parliamentary skunks are determined to ram the body politic into reverse and raise two fingers to the British people who want out of the EU.

Of course, May's deal is dreadful, as Rees-Mogg knows all too well, because it will leave us half in and half out and the European Commissars will begin turning the screws immediately.  There-in, I hope, I pray, there may lay an eventual second chance because as the European cosh descends again and again in all sorts of sensitive spots it may be enough to drive the British people into outright mutiny.

 

 

The light at the end of the tunnel is a high speed train!

I have been blogging boring for Britain for years now, regularly offering up my usually ill-informed opinions on current affairs to my regular readers most of whom, I guess, have difficulty sleeping!  Needless to say, I have probably been wrong far more often than I have been right but, hey, nobody reads yesterday's blogs, thank God!  

As the Brexit debacle swirls around the plughole before disappearing down into the drain I have suffered, indeed, my suffering continues and turns increasingly sour.  I watch with utter disgust the antics of our so-called 'leaders' as they lie and lie and lie again with insufferable arrogance as they set about defying the will of the people, a will invited and encouraged by themselves and with full promises to carry out the decision.  The fact that most of these disgusting lying-liars are Tories, formerly a party with some, albeit minimal, sense of propriety, adds to my nausea.

I cannot speak for others but for me the sense of utter repulsion is enormous.  I am not some teenage naïf, I am fully aware that politics is a dirty game mostly played by even dirtier rascals but to invite the people of a nation to express their choice and then to defy that choice is villainy - and stupidity - of the worst kind.  Actions produce re-actions, almost always unforeseen.  In my case, it is the beginning of disillusion.  For the first time in my nearly 80 years of life, I am disgusted with my own country.  I once volunteered to fight for it if necessary.  Today, I wouldn't lift a finger in its defence.

Sooner or later there will be an election - probably sooner! - and my guess is that the Tory party will be decimated as a punishment for its disgusting treachery.  At that point, the Marxist/Leninist Labour party will take over and another iron curtain will descend - around Britain!  Then we will get a 'Brexit' the like of which no-one anticipated.  Thank God, I will probably not see too much of it!

 

 

 

Your Monday Funnies - at last! 25.03.19

Still 'n' all, they are well worth waiting for - don't say it!

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’

Man: 'Not particularly but she'll be home shortly.'

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfil his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door of a married quarter and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.  My husband and I put it on the bedroom doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

NOW WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

 

 

"God bless America" - sort of!

First, apologies to those of you desperate for a laugh - well, you must be desperate to come here! - on a Monday morning but, alas, you must wait until later because the 'yuuuuuuuuuugest' joke ever was cracked in America yesterday and I must write about it.  'The Great Democrat Plot' just blew up in their own silly faces.  All those screechy, hysterical, wild-eyed, Dem 'pols' and their 'aiders and abetters' in the media and in Hollywood who have been attempting to march on the White House armed with media muskets and pitchforks prior to throwing the 'Ginger Ninja' on a bonfire have ended up looking like a parade of clowns.  Too, too delicious!

Mind you, if life has been a tad uncomfortable for Mr. President in the last two years he should admit to some culpability for making himself such a 'yuuuuuge' target.  As Mr. David French puts it in The National Review:

Trump hired and surrounded himself with some of the worst people in politics — felons and liars who sometimes committed crimes in the ham-handed attempt to cover up their own contacts or attempted contacts with Russian assets or operatives. The president’s personal lawyer, his campaign chair, his longtime friend and adviser, and his first national-security adviser (among others) each engaged in patterns of deception that were not only criminal, they created real and genuine alarm in fair-minded Americans that at least some people in the president’s inner circle were more than willing to work with our enemies abroad to gain financial or political advantage here at home.

I have forgotten, if I ever knew, that old physics law about every force having an equal and opposite re-active force but the Democrat party are about to learn it the hard way.  It is now clear that they used their toadies and lickspittles, established in the FBI and the (non)Justice Department by the Obama regime, to whip up this monstrous accusation against Trump, by spying on the Republican party during the election.  If anyone is guilty of using the power of the State to intefere with a Presidential election, 'it woz the Dems wot dunnit!'  I can't believe that the mighty - and now even mightier! - 'Ginger Ninja' will hesitate before instituting an investigation into that festering stew-pot whose head chef was, of course, Hillary Clinton!

Why not choose Robert Mueller to investigate, Mr. President, he knows the details and now he's out of work?!

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 24.3.19

An intermittent rumble today:   Dammit!  You can never rely on the weather!  My garden is only roughly 0.05 of an acre and, rather sensibly, I paved over most of it to avoid too much gardening.  Even so, the remaining 'postage stamp' of earth and sundry 'green things' (mostly weeds!) has the virility of a rain forest!  Whilst moaning and groaning about the cold, wet weather, as I do - waddya mean ya noticed already!? - at least I could remain inside warm and dry.  Today, of course, the bloody sun is shining and has melted my excuses.  All of this is my usual long-winded way of indicating that today's 'rumble' will be intermittent - and I heard that! - but at least you can rely on my desperate need for regular cups of tea to provide several breaks during which I can 'Bore for Britain'.

 

To the Germans, the EU is a religion:  Another interesting article over at The Coffee House, this one from a British musician working in Germany who, perhaps because of his musical training, has a keen ear for the German interpretation of the EU and Brexit.  On the basis of 'always know thy enemy', it is well worth reading.

 

In which Dan Hodges and Peter Hitchens agree - sort of:   And even worse, I, sort of, agree with them, too!  Hodges sums it up thus: "Tomorrow, MPs will begin dismantling Brexit".  Well, I told y'all a week or two ago that Brexit was finished.  Hitchens, on the other hand, makes an even starker forecast, "I fear a British Donald Trump. I fear such a person will steal the slogans of the Right and the merciless, dishonest propaganda methods of the Left – as the US President has done."  Our MPs are determined to overthrow the Prime Minister and the cabinet and seize political control over the people for themselves.  How long before the angry and resentful people, under the crude leadership of some foghorn agitator, decide that they will overthrow Parliament and seize control for themselves? 

 

Sorry, 'C' or 'M' or whatever you were called, no plaque for you!   I refer to the late Sir Stewart Menzies, the wartime head of MI6.  Forgive my confusion over which cover initial letter to give you.  I do know that one of your predecessors always signed himself as 'C' but since James Bond we all think of you as 'M'.  Anyway, despite your mostly excellent service to your country during WWII, the 'Pecksniffs' and 'Quill-pushers' at English Heritage have refused to grant you a blue plaque to be mounted outside your old residence.  The reason these oh-so-superior beings offer for their refusal is that you (along with just about everyone in the British establishment) failed to spot that master liar and traitor, Kim Philby.  The fact that you led the establishment of Bletchley Park which was an enormous aid to the country during WWII stands for nothing in the eyes of these snooty twats who actually agreed to a blue plaque being mounted in honour of the first lady dentist!  Honestly, you couldn't make it up!

 

This about sums up our so-called 'Masters of the Universe':  A summary from the Daily Mail says it all:

MPs are claiming one fifth more on their taxpayer-funded expenses than they did at the height of the 2009 expenses scandal which rocked faith in politicians for a generation, it has emerged.

The latest claims signed off by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa) include £180 spent by Jeremy Corbyn last March on artwork for a 'Jeremy Corbyn MP calendar', and the cost of two replacement toilet seats for the office of Britain's wealthiest MP, Tory Richard Benyon.

Only one question remains - should we hang them or burn them?

 

More rumbles later . . .

 

 

"The Case for Trump", well, maybe, baby!

Because of those damned "events, dear boy, events" I missed the reviews for an exceedingly rare book written by the major American intellectual, Victor Davis Hanson (VDH).  The rarity of this book does not arise from the prolific author but from the fact that it is sympathetic towards a President who is regularly trashed in the vilest terms not least, perhaps, because his counter-fire, usually loosed off via Twitter (yeeeees, quite!) is equally ghastly.  Personally, I have given up even attempting to come to a considered opinion about the man, not least perhaps because I still remember writing some kindly words about 'Obama-rama' before he slid his elegant, and lying, arse behind the desk in the Oval Office.  Equally, in 2016, I was prepared to narrow my eyes when contemplating 'The Donald' because the vision of 'HillBilly' as President was so ghastly as to be beyond contemplation.

Mr. Michael Doran in his review of the book in The National Revue provides some useful background information on VDH himself.  For an acknowledged historian of war, a retired professor of classics, a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution and a high-order intellectual, VDH lives an unusual life.

[H]e is also a farmer in California’s Central Valley. He routinely peppers his articles and even his academic work with telling details about farming life and social realities in Selma, a town outside Fresno where he lives in the same house in which he was born and raised. In this book, as in his others, the glimpses of Selma come only in support of Hanson’s wider thesis, never as part of an effort to tell his personal story. Nevertheless, beneath the surface of dispassionate analysis, the book burns with emotion. 

In other words, VDH inhabits a real world with real people far removed from the 'loopy-loo', oxygen-deficient stratosphere of Washington.  He is all too well aware of the dangerous fact that there are now two Americas and each of them is drifting, or even perhaps, driving apart.  California, he reminds us, is already virtually a one-party State!  Trump, in his disorganised way, is attempting to speak for those whom 'HillBilly' called "the deplorables", that is, white, working-class and mostly ignored.

Meanwhile, 'over here', Justin Webb in The Times (subscription only - which is why I rarely read it!) sums up VDH's view of Trump this way

"Donald J Trump, the narcissistic klutz of a million news stories, the racist ninny, the foul-mouthed sexist, is, in fact: A Hero!"

Mr. Webb, whilst he acknowledges Trump's support, unsurprisingly, fails to understand it.  Even so, he acknowledges that there is a very reasonable chance that 'The Donald' will win again in 2020!  Heavens to Betsy, 'hoodathunkit'?  Personally, given my appalling record, I have given up trying to forecast American politics given that they are even more useless than my Brit political forecasting!

 

 

The age of the untalented

I take my title from an exceedingly talented writer, 'Theodore Dalrymple', whose essays nowadays appear mainly in 'Taki Mag'.  'Taki', of course, is the very naughty but 'yuuuugely' rich, Greek playboy (although given his advancing years 'boy' is hardly the word!) who has entertained me for decades with his "High Life" column in 'The Speccie'.  He started his on-line mag a few years ago and there are usually some gems to be found in it, most of them from 'Dr. Dalrymple'.

Today, he has been provoked to a useful insight by reading a memoir of a little known Hungarian called Sándor Márai - and no, me neither!  From it, 'Dr. Dalrymple' tells this story from WWII in which, of course, Hungary fought with the Germans:

There is a story in the opening pages of his memoirs that seems to me of wide application in the modern world. He recounts how, in Budapest on his name day on 18 March 1944, he invited guests to a traditional celebration. Budapest had been an island of relative peace among European capitals, despite the fact that Hungary—with rather little choice in the matter—had been Germany’s ally. Márai’s name-day celebration was to be the last bourgeois dinner party he ever attended in Budapest, and though food was limited, the table settings were elegant, the wine flowed, the evening became convivial and the conversation lively. He was never to see any of the guests again. [My emphasis]

During the course of the dinner the rights and wrongs of Hungarian support for Hitler cropped up with most agreeing that it had been a disastrous mistake.  However, one ardent Nazi sympathiser disagreed with passion:

I am a National Socialist! You [he continued, pointing his finger at Márai], you cannot understand because you have talent. But I, who have none, I need National Socialism.

There was a little nervous laughter at this, and then the Nazi supporter said something that was revelatory not just of his time, striking himself on the chest several times:

"You cannot understand. At long last, the age belongs to us, to us the men without talent!"

What a perfect example to explain the absolute dearth of talent, or even minimal intelligence, to be found in political circles - then and now - and here and everywhere!

 

 

 

God bless Robert Mueller!

I have absolutely no idea what his long awaited - too long awaited! - report will contain but, bless his little cotton socks, at least he will drive Brexit off the headlines for the weekend and give us all a break 'over here'!  I have never understood, perhaps because I failed to try and understand, what all the fuss was about.  Washington, Republican or Democrat, is a festering swamp in which the default mode is crookery, cheating, bribing, fixing and corrupting which, of course, makes it so fascinating.  I doubt if there's anything much on Trump but you can be absolutely sure the Dems and their chorus in the media will make us much noise as possible.  Good!  Bring it on because that may, just may, drive Brexit onto page 2 and relieve my headache!

By the way, I do think Mueller deserves a pat on the back for achieving the impossible and, in a city totally dominated by the media and peopled with the very finest selection of 'dirty rats' anywhere in the world, keeping his tedious, plod-like investigation secret.  Of course, it may be that there was nothing to tell - who knows?!

 

 

And, lo, I bring thee glad tidings of great joy - well, 'gladdish'!

I had almost given up waiting but, according to 'Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph' today, the next series of "Line of Duty" will commence a week on Sunday.  Mind you, my joy is tinged with apprehension because I find it hard to believe that the brilliant Jed Mercurio and his team can keep on producing TV police thrillers to the same high standard.  I have some grounds for my caution because, although most people gave rave reviews for his series called "The Bodyguard", I thought it was far-fetched and silly.  However, with "Line of Duty" we are back to the tried and tested set-up of a Police anti-corruption unit, AC-12, with the usual stalwarts, Kate (Vicky McClure), Steve (Martin Compston) and Ted Hastings (Adrian Dunbar).

The twists and turns, hopefully, will make John le Carré's plots seem simple.  Also, of course, the writing is of such a high standard that much depends on the 'true' nature of the characters involved.  Fingers crossed!

 

 

 

An exceedingly convenient truth

Courtesy of the grumpy, old git who runs the excellent "I Hate the Media" site, I was delighted to be directed to another site called "Humans Are Free", the title of which is, I suppose, another example of American optimism!  Even so, it was fun to read an article there pointing out that 13 years after Al Gore's ten absolutely definite and dire predictions from his film "An Inconvenient Truth" have turned out to be total 'blx'!

1. Rising Sea Levels – inaccurate and misleading. Al was even discovered
purchasing a beachfront mansion!

2. Increased Tornadoes – declining for decades.

3. New Ice Age in Europe – they’ve been spared; it never happened.

4. South Sahara Drying Up – completely untrue.

5. Massive Flooding in China and India – again didn’t happen.

6. Melting Arctic – false – 2015 represents the largest refreezing in years.

7. Polar Bear Extinction – actually they are increasing!

8. Temperature Increases Due to CO2 – no significant rising for over 18 years.

9. Katrina a Foreshadow of the Future – false – past 10 years, no F3 hurricanes; “longest drought ever!”

10. The Earth Would be in a “True Planetary Emergency” Within a Decade Unless Drastic Action Taken to Reduce Greenhouse Gasses – never happened.

Why am I not surprised that a grifter like Al Gore who has made a fortune from all his global warming 'blx' turns out to know about as much about science as I do - er, I failed maths, physics and chem! - but even so 'they' gave him a Nobel Prize.  It should have been a 'Nob prize'!

 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaah, I keep hearing it over and over again . . .

This morning I switched on the radio by my bed and heard . . . BREXIT!

I went downstairs, switched on the TV and heard it again  . . . BREXIT! BREXIT!

I ran for my attic, switched on my computer and  - BREXIT! BREXIT! BREXIT!

 

 

According to the British Museum, as reported in The Telegraph, Edvard Munch's famous painting was not a scream at all.  In fact, it was a painting of a man who had heard the word 'BREXIT' 7,487,841 times and was desperately trying to block his ears!  He has my total sympathy!

 

 

In the land of the blind the one-eyed woman is queen!

Sorry, sorry, did you get that deja-vu feeling all over again?  However, you will have spotted the sexual change from my previous title which I used the other day.  Yes, indeed, today the 'Memsahib' had a cataract operation.  All went well and she's home looking somewhat bionic with an enormous clear plastic lens taped over her left eye.  I confess to feeling exceedingly nervous about the whole thing because I have a dread of anyone messing about with my eyes.  However, after an hour or two of mild irritation, she now tells me that has passed and now she feels nothing.  I must confess that the medical technology and procedures availble today are truly incredible and very humbling.

The other good news was that as I sat in the waiting room biting my nails, who should walk in but 'SoD'!  He had driven all the way down from Surrey to hold his Mum's hand, so to speak.  He's a good lad really despite his disfunctional views on Brexit!

"There will be blood" or should it be 'Will there be blood?'

The Westminster turmoil roils on and on with no end in sight and with the pressure mounting almost by the hour.  How will it end?  I have no idea - and nor does anyone else including the nincompoops in No. 10!  By and large the British, or at least, the English, are a steadfast lot, not given to hysteria but their patience is being stretched to hitherto untested extremes.  As I indicated the other day, Brexit is dead although a majority of the British public do not want to face up to that unpleasant fact which amounts to a slap in the face from the national politicians who allowed them to choose and are now doing everything to thwart their freely-voted decision.  When they do realise with what utter contempt they are viewed by the high and mighty, there may well be blood!

 

I think Bercow was right - God help me!

I never thought I would ever write those words but I stick by them.  Yes, Bercow is an utter disgrace as Speaker of the Commons as he makes no effort to hide his anti-Brexit convictions thus destroying the convention that Speakers should behave with impeccable neutrality.  You only need watch a few minutes of his behaviour in the chair to realise what a stupid, little man he is!

Even so, I do not like the habit of Mrs. May and her puerile (non)government in bringing back before the house the same resolution which has already been defeated twice in the hope that members will, eventually, vote her way!  Whilst it has been obvious for some time that she and her 'advisers' are totally useless, I am still surprised that all of them, including her, were surprised by Bercow's move!  Mind you, most of them, and I suspect her as well, are all 'Remainers' and thus she may not be too upset.

For an excellent report from inside the 'Globule' (the so-called machinery of government!), this 'dirty rat' (actually, a real hero) spills the beans on how determined they all are to kill off Brexit.  Essential reading!

 

 

Why don't we just ban ALL religions?

I frequently pose dumb questions on this blog but the one contained in my title above takes the prize!  Mind you, as the body-count, in the name of religion, rises all around the world it is tempting.  Of course, the dreaded 'Peeps', being the way they are, would soon find other reasons to slaughter each other.  Perhaps rival football fans would erupt onto the pitch at the end of each match and fight to the death in support of the Rovers or the Rangers!

Mind you, the various religions have much to answer for.  How can they continue to prate and preachify to the effect that there is, somewhere, a Supreme, All-powerful God who watches over all of us?  If so, He, She or It are pretty ineffectual 'Masters of the Universe' given the oceans of blood that has been spilled through the aeons.  Equally, the 'Peeps' themselves - that means you, and you and you over there trying to avoid my pointing finger - all of you who try to avoid the responsibility of thinking for yourselves and simply swallow whole the prating of the preachers.  Is it not obvious by now that religion is simply politics under another name?

Well, obviously it is not obvious to the vast number of my fellow 'Peeps'!

ADDITIONAL:  

Not, perhaps, the most thoughtful post I have made on this blog but I was in 'Grump Mode: Factor 10' when I wrote it!  Actually, it is not God who is infuriating me, it's people!

 

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 18.3.19

Another fine selection from my 'joke cellar'!

 

The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven!

They die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.  Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.  The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

(Oh well, there goes my Knighthood!)

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Tricky thing pronunciation!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

Shockin', shockin', get back to work immediately!

 

The Sunday Rumble: 17.3.19

Australian Grand Prix:  Dammit, (Sir) Lewis, didn't you read the script?  You were supposed to roar off into the distance the minute the lights went out but instead you allowed your 'apprentice' to steal the race!  I trust that, as a true blue - or should that be 'true black'? - English gent of the first order you did not fall victim to all that Australian beer and the wiles of those many Australian 'Sheilas', as I believe they are called!  Even so, it was a special pleasure to find out that it was all 'fake news' about Ferrari developing a rocket-propelled engine!

 

"CHEAT":   If you missed it last week, more fool you because I did tell you that it was brilliant and you know you can trust my judgment!  The storyline was intricate - and diabolical!  If you know how to use all those 'catch-up thingies' then do it now!  Given the deplorable state of our TV productions, you will not see a better, more unusual thriller performed by a superb cast.

 

In which I suffered severe schizophrenia:   Yesterday I watched 'footie' on the 'telly', not something I am in the habit of doing but, alas, sentiment and memories drove me to it.  As a 'nipper', I was a fervent fan of Wolverhampton Wanderers but later in life, during the '80s, I was drawn to Manchester United - the era of George Best and all that!  Yesterday, they played each other and 'Wolves' won.  I didn't know whether to cheer or cry!

 

More sport - sorry!   For some reason and, I'm sure, absolutely nothing to do with those huge men and their muscular thighs, the 'Memsahib' has become hooked on Rugby.  Yesterday I watched the England vs. Scotland match, well, the first half anyway!  What a bore, the English massacred the 'Jocks' 31-nil so there did not seem much point in watching any more and, in the words of the dear old 'Screws of the World', "I made my excuses and left."  Where-ever you are on this planet, I will be surprised if you did not hear my chin hit the floor when I returned later to find that the game ended 38-38!  'Gob-smacked' ain't the word!  I hope our regular commenter, 'Jimmy Glesga', isn't suffering too much this morning!

 

Judicial Watch keep on squeezing:   Judicial Watch is an American conservative watch dog group that has its hands firmly clamped round the throat of the Obama regime in general, and the Clinton gang in particular.   It is unremitting in its efforts and finally it seems to be on the verge of success.  A judge has ordered the main 'perps' to produce previously hidden Obama-era government papers.  Should make for interesting reading!

 

That fella' Rembrant keeps following me!   It's another of those 'creepy coincidence thingies' which plague me constantly but the name 'Rembrandt' keeps popping up.  I may have mentioned before, but only about 27 times, that I have never forgotten seeing an exhibition of his work in London a few years ago.  In partiular, his self-portraits as an old man.  Now that I am poised to qualify as one myself, they strike home with increased power.  Here is one example:

 

A self-portrait, and I defy anyone not to be intrigued by the expression on the face.  Happily, I can quote a shrewd passage from the critic, Mark Hudson, in The Telegraph some five years ago:

Was the great “humanity” on which his reputation is based, exemplified by his extraordinary body of self-portraits, the product of painfully candid self-scrutiny, or a sophisticated, yet essentially sentimental gloss he was able to lay over his images at will?

I cannot answer that but what I can say is that those self-portraits, once seen, are never forgotten.

 

Vive La France - no, really!   Yes, yes, I know I occasionally spice these pages with snarky comments aimed at France but actually I am rather fond of the place and its people.  Anyway, there is an interesting article at The Coffee House praising 'mini-Macron' - yes, praising him! - but I will not attempt to precis it but instead urge you to give it a read.

 

A word of advice to the Defence Ministry:   Do not - ever! - take on a 'squaddie's' Mum!   I refer to Mrs. Diane Dernie, mother of Lance Bombardier Ben Parkinson, formerly of 7 Para, Royal Horse Artillery.  He, you may remember, was, in effect, 'blown to bits' in 2006 by a landmine in Afghanistan in which, amongst other things, he lost both his legs.

Ever since, on his behalf, his mother has fought an almost equally severe campaign against the 'quill pen pushers' in the MoD and finally she has won proper recompense for her son.  Well done, Ma'am, and you too, Lance Bombardier Parkinson!  Incidentally, for my non-military readers who may be wondering how 'Horse Artillery' fits into the Para Brigade, it is an honorific title granted to certain artillery units even if the rest of the 'Toms' refer to all gunners as "nine mile snipers"!

 

 

No more rumbles today

 

 

'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king'

And, of course, we all inhabit the land of the blind because we are all at the mercy of the mass media, including so-called 'social' media, which for a variety of reasons picks and chooses what to tell and show us.  I am obliged to Professor Peter G. Riddell of Melbourne School of Theology who reminds us in The American Spectator, that whilst we stagger under the sheer weight of news coverage offered on the disgusting Christchurch attack, none of us are aware that:

On the morning of March 4, Christian communities in three villages in Benue State in northern Nigeria were attacked by Muslim Fulani militants. Some 23 people were killed by gunshot and machete blows as the Fulani attackers moved unchecked through the villages. Three days later, a further attack on other nearby villages resulted in the deaths of another three people. Such attacks are by no means unusual; during the month of January, a further 70 Christian villagers were murdered in other Fulani attacks.

As the 'Prof' points out, it is very much easier for the media to cover a slaughter in New Zealand than it is in Africa.  Even so, I have never heard so much as a squeak of horror and protest from, er, 'peace-loving' Muslims over the decade- long slaughter of Christians in Nigeria by Islamists.

Jes' sayin'!

 

 

One down, 'yuuuuuge' numbers more to go!

The first of the dishonest and dishonourable ratbags in Parliament appears to have received his 'marching orders'.  I refer to the wretched Mr. Nick Boles MP who has resigned from his local Conservative party association because they are about to kick him out anyway!  Needless to say, the greedy little rat will continue to cling on inside Parliament not least, I suppose, for the salary and perks.  His constituency voted 60+% in favour of 'Leave'.  He is entitled to his own view but he promised to follow the result of the referendum.

Next up, I hope and pray, will be the half-French member for Beaconsfield, Dominic Grieve.  As Andrew Pierce reported in The Mail:

The former Attorney General Dominic Grieve has finally exhausted the patience of his local Tory members, it seems.
He is one of the most implacable opponents of Brexit, and determined to stop us leaving the EU. The trouble is that his Beaconsfield constituency voted to Leave.
The result is that Grieve will face a no-confidence motion at his annual Tory association meeting on March 29. If the vote goes against him, it could lead to his eventual deselection.

Mr. Pierce in his article points up a delicious irony:

The meeting will take place at the Bull Inn, Gerrards Cross, which first opened in 1688, the same year as the Glorious Revolution which saw the overthrow of James II as King.

Oh, simply too, too delicious,  don'cha just lurve irony!

 

The fascination of spies

Yes, I know, I went on 'the missing list' again yesterday.  No excuses, I was just a bit 'knacked' and also, to be honest, I really did not have anything to say.  Happily, today being Saturday means that I have enjoyed what I call my 'reading morning' in which I tootle round to the newsagent and buy The Mail and The Telegraph, plus my neighbour brings round the 'Arts' section of The Times, and I settle into my armchair with a cup of coffee and only an absolute minimum of chocolate biscuits - honestly!  A few hours later, I am totally 'knacked' again but at least I am armed with some fresh ammo to fire at you lot - hang on, where are you going  . . ?  

As you may have gathered, following my enthusiastic review of "The Spy and the Traitor" by Ben McIntyre, I am endlessly fascinated by spies.  Yet another biography of a major spy has been reviewed across the papers, this time, the brilliant but ultimately tragic story of Richard Sorge.  He was the half German/half Russian who swallowed communism whole as a young man and who went on to be recruited by the Russian intelligence service when he he was living in Tokyo during the '30s.  He duped the German embassy into believing that he could provide information for them whilst he actually passed on everything he picked up from the Germans straight to Moscow.  He also ran an espionage operation inside the Japanese government.

There are some delicious ironies in this tale.  Sorge constantly warned Moscow that Hitler intended to attack Russia and offered up good evidence to support it.  Stalin simply refused to believe it - until the panzers crossed the border!  However, Sorge was believed when he told Moscow that the Japanese had no intention of attacking Russia and thus Stalin was able to shift armies from East to West to help defend 'Mother Russia'.  In the end, Sorge was found out by the Japs and, on November 7th 1943, the 26th anniversary of the Bolshevik revolution, they hung him!

A brilliant operator but doomed! 

 

What's the German for 'Let's drop a really 'yuuuuuge' bollock'?

Alas, I cannot answer that question because my knowledge of German is microscopic, limited to 'jahwohl', 'nein', 'Papiere!' and 'fur you zee var iss over'.  However, I do 'know' a man who could provide an answer.  He is Herr Herbert Diess who is the Führer, ooops, sorry, the boss of Volkswagon - you know, the car company started by Herr Hitler.  Alas, Herr Diess seems blessed with a German sense of humour, so in a speech to his fellow executives he attempted some, er, jocularity by using the phrase "EBIT macht frei"!  "EBIT" is an acronym in German standing for 'Earnings Before Interest and Tax'.  Not sure if anyone laughed but it looks as though several tons of Scheisse have fallen on his head.

What can one say, except 'Ohdearwhatapitynevermind'!  Wonder if he'll do the jokes at the Christmas party?

 

 

A gift for my 'Yankee-doodle' pals, even if it is stolen property!

I am, as y'all do know, a regular visitor to the American Thinker site, not just because many of the pieces contained there-in are interesting but also because their daily cartoon nearly always provides a chuckle and sometimes sends me crashing to the floor helpless with laughter.  Those are the ones, of course, which trigger my inherent kleptomania and result in me 'nicking' them and publishing them here.  Still 'n' all, your Honour, I always ensure that the name of the cartoonist is well to the fore:

Andrew Thomas blogs at Dark Angel Politics

 

 

 

They're just a bunch of 'cupcakes'!

I refer, of course, to all those MPs who yesterday told the majority of the British electorate to take their Brexit hopes and aspirations and 'stick 'em where the sun don't shine'!  Consequently, I am deeply grateful to Ms. Debra Messing - no, me neither, but I gather that she is some sort of an actress and also a 'yuuuuuugely' militant feminist - who has produced some cupcakes in the likeness of vulvas!   Yeeeeeeees, quite, er, scrumptious, don'cha think?!

 

 

Don't ask me why but the instant I read the article and saw the photo I thought of the Right (dis)Honourable Dominic Grieve MP, our resident token Frenchman (he's half-French) who, henceforth and forever, will be known as 'Cupcake' Grieve.

Thank you, Debra, darling, you're totally bonkers but I luuurve you!

 

 

 

It's over!

Some times, and in my case, quite often, it is necessary to acknowledge that 'pro' writers often say it so much better than us 'ams'.  In addition, of course, they often say it so much more succinctly than us 'blowhards'.  Mr. Rod Liddle at The Coffee House provides the perfect example in a piece headed "Brexit is now dead":

And that, my lovely friends, is it for Brexit. You kippers and ERGers who think we’ll leave with no deal, are deluded. They will not let it happen. They were never going to let it happen.

Brexit has been killed by a Parliament which by a two-to-one majority never wanted it, despite what lip service they paid to respecting the will of the people. The liberal elite has won. I suspect it will be its last victory before it is expunged. 

My main feeling last night was one of shame, not for my country which had the guts to vote 'LEAVE', but for the miserable, deceitful wretches in Parliament who voted by an enormous majority to give "us the people" the decision on whether or not to remain in the EU, and who then strove by every means possible to thwart our decision.  Thanks to their duplicitous efforts we are now to be bound and gagged and offered up to the 'High Priests' in Brussels for due punishment - and believe me, they will show no mercy for our act of 'betrayal'!

It guts me to say this but if I were a younger man, I would be making arrangements to get out of this country and seek freedom and independence in Australia or New Zealand.  Instead, as I approach my 80th birthday, I will comfort myself with the realisation that at least I will not have put up with the encroaching diktat of sundry foreigners for too long. 

The 'Remainers' have won the day, let them enjoy the long night to come!

 

 

Mrs. May is a born again lying liar!

My title is harsh but true.  She came back from her utterly useless trip to Brussels proclaiming that there was now a legal way out of the Irish bog in which Britain is trapped.  The next day her very own Attorney-General, Geoffrey Cox, flatly contradicted her!  The only question worth asking now is whether or not you would buy a second-hand car from this wretched woman?  She has lied, and lied and lied again over the preceding three years and it is time to clean the stables.  She must go, in fact, her entire party must go along with all the other detritus that swills about in the House of Commons.  Let them all come face to face with the electorate and let the people decide who shall be sent back.  Enough is enough!

 

 

Two rave reviews and a raspberry!

To be honest, I have already given you a rave review of Mr. Lou Berney's excellent yarn "November Road" which I finished yesterday prior to immediately buying another one called "Gutshot Straight".  He is a terrific story-teller and invents characters who are, with their mix of vices and virtues, very believable.  Also - natch! - being thrillers the body count is suitably high!

My second rave review is for the series which opened last night on ITV called "Cheat".  This features two ladies, one a university lecturer and the other her student.  Normally, I would avoid like the plague anything with two leading ladies  but given the utterly dismal offerings on TV last night, I gave it a try.  Absolutely terrific and even terrifying!

My raspberry is aimed at the latest episode of 'Midsomer Murders' which has now sunk to the very bottom of ludicrous plausibility.  I have never enjoyed this make-believe world of rural Britain but the 'Memsahib' loves it and so long as she keeps the sound down so that I can read then I let her watch it.  However, even she gave up on the latest fairy tale!

 

 

The two great democracies skid closer and closer to the edge

Most of my readers are British and therefor require no further warnings from me concerning the enormous dangers to our hard fought and even harder won democracy.  However depressing that is, our sorrows are multiplied by the growing dangers to American democracy.  'Over here', we think - we hope? -  that Corbyn and his ultra-Marxist cabal will never gain control of Parliament.  'Over there', the extreme Leftists have already seized control of one of the two legislative chambers, the House of Representatives, and already they are busy nailing new rules onto the political agenda.  Happily, (I hope!) a combination of the Republican Senate and the Supreme Court will hold the worst of these plots in abeyance until 2020 when the voters will have a chance - a last chance? - to reset the situation.

Mr. David Catron at The American Spectator sets the scene:

It goes without saying that H.R.1 is a classic Democrat power grab that attempts to usurp the authority of the states to regulate the voter registration process. It would vitiate the accuracy of registration rolls by automatically registering anyone who acquires a driver’s license, prevent election officials from verifying voter eligibility, and render state voter ID laws null and void. H.R.1 also takes the power to draw congressional districts away from the states, and requires inclusion of illegal aliens in all redistricting plans. Moreover, it violates the 1st Amendment so brazenly that even the American Civil Liberties Union bestirred itself:

Happily, he is suffused with typical American optimism and remains confident that in 2020 the American 'peeps' will have seen exactly what the new intake of Dem politicians are up to and will put them to the sword, er, metaphorically speaking! 

In 2020 the GOP will target 50 to 60 seats held by Democrats in purple districts they narrowly won during the last two cycles. Most of those seats will flip after AOC and her fellow travelers drag the party to the far left. The voters will associate the Democrats with anti-Semitism, socialism, and illegal immigration, and they will lose the House majority again.

I do hope that he is right because if he is wrong, then we will be forced to wait for John Wayne to strap on his six-shooter and step out into the dusty street!

 

 

 

"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war"

Your 'Monday Funnies' are below but the best joke of all will be in Parliament this week even if it is likely to be in the worst possible taste!  Finally, Mrs. May will be stripped of her last shreds of political camouflage and she will be left shivering on her own.  I feel no pity for her because she never displayed the slightest courage or conviction, she merely wriggled and ducked and dived in order to keep her position as Prime Minister.  She is a disgrace!

As too, of course, are the majority of our MPs who have lived down to the slimy worst of their reputations.  Three years ago they voted by an enormous majority to give us, the voters, the final verdict on whether to stay in or out of the EU.  We voted 'OUT' by a clear majority.  They have defied the will of the people and the repercussions will be enormous and dangerous and for the moment unknowable.  What a catastrophe to be 'led' by such useless, treacherous and unprincipled liars and rogues!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 11.3.19

Monday morning, the sun is shining in a brilliantly blue sky - and it's bloody freezing cold!  God's joke, I suppose!

 

SHOPPING AT TIFFANY'S:

A LOVELY LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT. AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS. VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPSY AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S. HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, "GOOD DAY, MADAM... HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY?"

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??"

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT YOURSELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE !

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his rear end.

'If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man with a white beard came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, "No shit?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Next, some fishing 'funnies' for my pal, 'Whiters':

Game Warden: “Fishing?”
Man without a license: “No. Drowning worms.”

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered “brain food?”

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful," it was now “cute."

She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?"

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!"

 

That's it, thank God, it's freezing up here in my attic!

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 10.3.19

'Jeremy Sanders' or 'Bernie Corbyn' - you choose!   An interesting article by Matthew Continetti at The National Review which is summarised by its title: "The Collapse of the Center-Left" (sorry, American spelling!).  In it he summarises the lurch to the extreme Left that has shifted the ground under the feet of moderate Democratic party leaders.  For once we, or to be precise, the British Labour party, beat them to it by, in a fit of utter madness, electing 'Jezza' as leader.  Happily, there is an irrefutable test by which these zealots and their poisonous beliefs may be exposed - anti-Semitism.  Not only do they not bother even to attempt to hide it, they positively ram it down your throat!  The Germans of the 1930s had some slight excuses for voting for Hitler but today's Brits and Americans have none.

 

A vintage snort-snigger moment:   The militant feminists appear to have their tits caught in their jockstraps!  The 'Trannies', that is, the ones with balls, have snuck up on them and inveigled their way into athletics.  Thus, the real ladies are doomed forever to finishing second.  I would pay good money to see Ms. Serena Williams walk on to the centre court at Wimbledon to face a 'lady' who makes her look skinny!

 

The problem for the Jews is that they are too damned intelligent!   And, 'as any fule do no', nobody likes a smart arse!  From their earliest history following the diaspora, they were smart enough to move into the money-lending trade, there being no banks around at the time.  Alas, nobody loves their bank manager from any era and thus the Jews drew down on themselves the ire of the suckers who are always and forever in the majority.  I hasten to add that, of course, not all Jews are particularly bright, it's just that on average they are brighter than most of us 'schmucks'!

 

You can never escape boring economics!   As puffed-up China and its power-mad leader, 'Xi-ping-a-ling', are beginning to find out the hard way.  All that boring-snoring stuff about debt and borrowing and money supply which, if you think yourself above it all, soon snares you.  God help the Chinese leadership if the Chinese people suddenly feel the loss of their new-found prosperity!

 

 

 

No more rumbles

 

 

 

A thriller that made me think

Y'all know that despite me spicing up my posts with references to some seriously heavy book that I am reading, the fact is that I cannot resist a good thriller!  The other day, I bought one on Kindle and it has thrilled but also it has made me think, too!  The book is "November Road" by Lou Berney and it does indeed thrill with both menace and some serious killing!  However, it is set back in 1963 and the plot line snakes around the Kennedy assassination.  My goodness, I can still remember vividly exactly where I was when I heard the news - in a pub, of course!

Anyway, it has made me ask myself if the real 'perp' was ever discovered.  I know that America instigated several detailed investigations including an enquiry that seemed to go on for ever and ever but in this cynical age do we ever fully accept what is handed down to us?  I ought to buy a proper history of the event but, dammit, could I ever trust that any more than the Warren Commission?

 

 

My precious Saturday mornings

On Saturday morning I buy the Daily Telegraph, instead of reading it on the computer, as well as The Mail.  In addition, a neighbouring friend gives me the previous week's 'Saturday Review' from The Times and in return I give him my old copy of The Spectator.  If there are any Saturday morning duties to be done I make sure they are finished before eleven o'clock so that I can settle down with a mug of coffee - strong black and heavy on the sugar! - and all my newspapers.  Bliss!

Today I was particularly pleased with the Saturday Review which was cram-jammed with interesting articles.  For a start, they had a feature in which some comedian was asked for his likes and dislikes and his favourite painting was 'Portrait of Madame X' by John Singer Sargent. 

An excellent choice by a superb artist although personally I prefer several of his other paintings.

Next up was an article by Jonathan Bate, a Shakespearean 'brainiac' on the subject of Emilia Bassano, the mysterious 'dark lady of the sonnets', or is she?  Well, like just about everything else concerning that slippery country boy from Stratford, you just can't be sure of anything. 

I turned the page to the book reviews to find another mysterious dark lady, this time Wallis Simpson who nearly brought about the decline and fall of the British monarchy!  I confess to abysmal ignorance on this somewhat tawdry tale although over the years my ill-informed opinion that her eventual husband, Edward, the Duke of Windsor, was a total waste of space!  However, from the review of the book concerned, my opinion of Mrs. Simpson rose somewhat.

Turning the page and up popped a history of poor old - or actually 'poor young' - Henry VI, the almost forgotten boy/man of our regal history.  Eventually, of course, Edward IV did what was almost inevitable, and bumped him off before seizing the throne.  Next along came Richard III and we all know the end of that tale because that sly, Stratford fella' wrote a superb play telling us, more or less, what happened!

Next up was a review of a book on the subject of Ben Hecht, the famous Hollywood writer who was, I gather, "a very naughty boy" but if you live in Hollywood and you're a famous writer, what else would you be?!  Mind you, he wrote the script for "Gone with the Wind", so I forgive him - everything!

Anyway, all in all, a most satisfactory Saturday morning!

 

 

Well, he's bold and brave!

Certainly bolder and braver than me but that's not too difficult.  I refer to Mr. David Catron at The American Spectator who, without hesitation, claims that 'The Donald' will absolutely and definitely win the next presidential election!  I suspect that he may but being an A1 'wuss' I would not stake the deeds of the house on it!  Mr. Catron's belief is based on his opinion that the 'GAP' - the Great American Public - are, on the whole, better off financially after 'Trump-rule'  and he quotes a Gallup poll in support:

Americans’ optimism about their personal finances has climbed to levels not seen in more than 16 years, with 69% now saying they expect to be financially better off “at this time next year”… only two percentage points below the all-time high of 71%, recorded in March 1998 at a time when the nation’s economic boom was producing strong economic growth combined with the lowest inflation and unemployment rates in decades.

Well, I try never to put too much faith in polls, particularly polls attempting to forecast an economic future.  However, I agree that 'The Donald' has some major factors in his favour, particularly his opponents, the Democratic party.  They are a laughable shambles with a 'yuuuuuuuuuge', and growing daily, collection of kooks and nuts and lying liars vying vigorously to obtain the nomination.  They might only be "vying" now but as we get closer to the crunch day, the 'vying' will become vitriolic!  By and large, I reckon, voters do not like political parties that allow healthy competition between candidates to degenerate into vile and slanderous abuse of each other!

Of course, one must allow for the liklehood - the dead certainty? - that 'The Donald' will drop more than a few clangers on his way to the election but somehow, I can't help thinking that people have become used to him and in fact, rather enjoy his eccentricity.  Equally, I also suspect that they will recoil from many of the shouty-sweary Democratic nuts who will spend most of their time tearing shreds off each other!

'We shall see what we shall see'!

 

 

'Titania McGrath' is a 'trannie'!

Down below I mentioned the delightful Ms. 'Titania McGrath' who has made a superb effort to out-simple the late, great 'Peter Simple', satirist supreme.  Today, courtesy of Ms. Sarah Vine at The Mail, I can reveal that the lady is a man!  Why am I not surprised?

   

         Mr. Andrew Doyle                                       Miss Titania McGrath

The indominatable Sarah Vine explains it all:

"For the uninitiated, Titania Gethsemane McGrath is a radical vegan, woke poet committed to feminism, social justice and armed, peaceful protest. She works to expose racism, bigotry and misogyny. As she herself confesses: ‘I was born woke. My wokeness is innate. It flows through me like a magical elixir, keeping my soul perched and poised for the fight.’"

Courtesy of Ms. Vine's article, here are a few of 'Titania's' memorable sayings:

‘I was the only child of two barristers. I learnt only that my private education and frequent family holidays to Montenegro and the Maldives were merely a ruse by which my parents could distract me from my oppression.’

‘People are far too sentimental about the elderly,’ she writes. ‘I am no longer helping them cross the street. They opted for Brexit, so as far as I’m concerned they can take their chances with the traffic. Remember too that these are the people who fought in the second World War. How can shooting at Germans be anything other than xenophobic?’

‘If you don’t think exactly the same way as me, then you’ve clearly got a lot to learn about diversity.’

Needless to say, comments like those delivered via social media instantly attracted millions of supporters, mostly those barely out of their nappies.  

The 'perp' is Mr. Andrew Doyle, a 40-year old former private school teacher with a doctorate in early Renaissance poetry from Wadham College, Oxford and how I wish I had had a teacher like him!  Thanks to him I can announce that English wit is alive and well.

 

This would stop the 'stabbers'

Or at least, it would stop 95% of them!  And it would save considerable amounts of my, and your, money!  So, who today amongst our feeble leaders, who are always so quick to express sorrow to the parents of butchered children, will speak up and suggest that the death penalty be re-introduced?  Please, please don't hold you breath waiting !

My guess is that after the first three killers take the 'short drop', the stabbing rate will fall by 50%.  After the next three fall through the trap-door to eternity, the rate will be down by about 95%!  Will there be police and/or judicial errors?  Yes, because that is the nature of things.  However, given that carrying a knife is an admission of evil intent, I doubt that there will be too many mistakes made, and even if there are, then an enormous number of totally innocent people will be saved.

Bring back the rope!

 

 

Heavens to Betsy, the Dems are as dim as the Corbynistas

The dim Dems 'over there' just cannot resist taking using a six-shooter to take pot shots at their own feet!  Thus, they have just announced that at the next Presidential election they will not allow Fox News to host one of the Presidential debates.  Mr. Thomas Lifson at The American Thinker is quick to point out the six wounds they will inflict on themselves.

One, they will stand accused and guilty of lacking the courage to let their candidate face tough questions.

Two, the voters, excluding committed Dems, of course, will instantly recognise that virtually all other media apart from Fox is soft, if not soppy, on Leftwing politics.

Three, they will also recognise that these 'debates' are simply a 'safe space' for the Dem candidate to relax in.

Four, Tom Perez, chairman of the Dem National Committee, has thus confirmed what many Americans have long suspected that the majority of the media are the perpetrators of 'fake news'.

Five, most Americans do not trust the media so aligning them with the Dems hardly adds 'lustre to their cluster'!

Six, such a stand plays into Trump's hands because he can insist that Fox News be admitted or he will boycott the entire farrago. However, if the Dems cave then the GAP, the Great American Public, will only pay attention to the Fox news debate because that is the only one which will be worth watching.

Is there anyone dimmer than a Dem?

 

 

The Tories are being stabbed to death by knife crime

In the unlikely event that you are reading this in the hope that the 'zuper brain of Zummerzet' has an answer to the bloodbath occurring on our streets - faggattaboutit!  I haven't a clue as to the best strategy to deploy, however, I have severe doubts concerning the panic re-actions of our less than glorious leaders!  For example, I suspect that pouring even more money into police (so-called) services will not achieve much except possibly to allow them to build even grander police HQs here, there and everywhere to accommodate police chiefs who are, on the whole, as thick as planks!  One only has to remember the fiascos over recent years in which 'zillions' of pounds and 'zillions' of police hours were totally wasted pursuing old 'kiddie-fiddling' stories which turned out to be rubbish!  I suspect that most police chiefs would have difficulty directing traffic on a one-way street!

I would rather see a (sort of) return to the old system when non-policemen were made Chief Constables.  Back in the day, they used to be retired generals and suchlike but perhaps today we could make use of successful retired businessmen who have some experience of running big organisations.  For a start they could take a long, hard look at the exactly how and when our police constables are deployed.  I read somewhere in The Telegraph today that in one force, 95% of the constabulary is employed in daylight hours whilst after 5.00pm there are merely a handful on duty and most of them are not on the streets!

Finally, can someone please arrange for the 'Old Bill' to nick that twerp who (allegedly) runs our armed forces and who suggested that perhaps the army could be deployed on our streets in aid of the police!  Where do they find these people?

 

 

Mon Dieu, mini-Macron tells the truth!

Anyone who still harbours sympathy for the idea of, ahem, a ' United States of Europe' should pay strict attention to the pronouncement of 'le petit empereur', Emmanuel Macron.  For a start, he wants a multi-speed Europe in which the nations of Europe will be divided into "concentric circles",  At the centre, naturellement, would be those nations who use the euro and the outer circle would be those who do not, so adieu Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Denmark, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Romania, Sweden.  They will be despatched to the back of the class where they will be told to sit quietly and do as they are told!  As for the British, "Mr Macron suggests Brexit Britain could find its “true place” on a third outer ring of satellite non-EU countries with close relations to Brussels."

Of course, the question then arises as to who will lead this new, centralised Europe?  Well, that's an 'easy-peasy' question because, naturellement, according to ''le petit empereur' as reported in The Telegraph, "In his vision, some member states would be more equal than others, and France, along with Germany, would be first among equals."  I can't help wondering if he ran that past 'Mutti' Merkel before he published it across the European media?

I don't care what happens if we leave with no deal - JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE!

 

 

My 'vote' goes for good, ol' Hickenlooper!

American politics are hilarious!  We already have a truly great, if not 'yuuuuuuuge', eccentric as President but now, courtesy of the Democratic party we have a veritable gallery of nuts, nerds, loopy-loos and dingbats as well as the usual 'heap-big' lying liars - yes, you know who I mean! - vying for the top job.  However, the queue is lengthening!  Today we have the ex-Governor of Colorado, 'Hizzonner' Mr. John Hickenlooper!  With a name like that he must be a favourite!  Can you imagine the giggles that will arise in the assemblies of the world when they announce the arrival of 'President Hickenlooper'?  Even 'Her Maj' might have difficulty keeping a straight face on introduction - and dear old Phil wouldn't even try!  The late, great W. C. Fields would have loved it.

 

The rotten boroughs are back

This so-called 'conservative' government falls even further into the slough of despicable and corrupt politics.  The colossal betrayal of the 52% of the electorate who voted 'LEAVE' is going on before our eyes and the final dagger thrust will occur in the next few days.  In the meantime, the despicable Mrs. May, the consiglieri of the Tory mob, has now decided to dish out bribes to sundry towns and districts, currently represented by Labour MPs, allegedly because they have 'fallen behind' in various aspects of social and business life.  Needless to say, like crooks and conmen everywhere, she uses our money to pay the bribes, worth a billion quid, in the hope that the Labour MPs concerned will support her over the Brexit stitch-up.

Pass the sick-bag!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 4.3.19

To cheer you all up whilst the weather decides between a heatwave or a rainstorm!

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.  So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style.

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

There, that started your week with, er, well, something . . .

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 3.3.19

How long, oh Lord, how long?   I defy anyone to claim that they guessed, back in the day, that the Brexit imbroglio would descend into the utter and complete shambles that it has.  There are many contributing factors but the main one stands clear - Mrs. May.  As an example of a total lack of leadership qualities, she stands supreme and will deserve that place in our history books.

 

Have a care, Mr. MacCulloch!  You are beginning, nay, you have begun, to irritate me!  I bought your 'yuuuuuuuuuge' biography of Thomas Cromwell who was, from my very slight knowledge, a fascinating 'ducker and diver of the first order' but in the first few chapters of your book all I read is an endless list of the scores, nay, hundreds, of individuals and organisations  with whom he was connected in one way or another.  Please, just get back to the man himself before I really lose my temper - given the price I paid for the book!

 

Oh no, Mr. Dershowitz, say it ain't so!   As regular readers will know, I am a great admirer of Mr. Alan Dershowitz, the American lawyer and political commentator.  Now there are 'tales' (I use the word deliberately) linking him to some multi-zillionaire, American businessman who is accused of organising sex parties - where was my invite? - and that one of the girls was offered to Mr. Dershowitz.  Actually, Dershowitz defended the businessman in court and it was the opposition lawyers who made the accusation.  Dershowitz was able to produce travel document evidence that proved the accusation wrong.  I would never have believed it anyway because Dershowitz is just too damned intelligent!

 

The Trump-Kim waltz:   Various commentators, pro and con, have had their say on Trump's North Korean diplomacy.  Needless to say, most of it is concerned with Trump because, of course, they haven't a clue what is going on in Pyongyang - is it Kim who rules or all those ridiculous Generals with their 'yuuuuuge' hats and acres of decorations?  There was a time when the North Korean antics were becoming exceedingly dangerous and so Trump was right to seek meetings and try and 'sus out' what was going on.  Whether he knows any more now than he did before, no-one can know, as so often, we must wait for the history books to be written!

 

The next India/Pakistan Test March should be fun!    So was that the beginning of war a few days ago or just an Indo-Paki hissy fit?  I very much hope it was the latter because 'the real thing' could be exceedingly messy given that both nations have nuclear capabilities!   Again, rather like North Korea, there are military chiefs in the background whose influence is probably far in excess of their strategic abilities!

 

In which I receive excellent good news:   Yes, indeed, the 'Memsahib' has just informed me that she is about to make a blackberry and apple crumble for supper - and, NO, you can't have any!

 

Better watch out, Donald, 'the Bern' is coming!   I keep reading reports that the American version of 'Jezza', that is Bernie Sanders, is pulling in zillions and zillions of dollars well ahead of his fight for the Democrat nomination.  Remarkably, somewhat like 'Jezza', despite being an old coot the juveniles 'jes' lurve him!'  I suppose he reminds them of their favourite, old 'Gramps'.  Maybe I should run for Parliament - oh alright then, not exactly "run" but shuffle!

 

'Fauxcahontas' scalps herself:   Well, Sen. Warren has gone from lying about her Cherokee ancestry which helped her grab a job at Harvard, to defending her claim for years, to taking a gene test which she failed, to, finally, owning up and, at last, apologising for her trickery.  Good job none of us held our breath waiting!

 

No more rumbles